About going to secondary school

You’re over thinking

its helpful to have familiar faces in the class from day one but not necessarily close friends
my ds who really is quite shy had moved away from his “primary buddies” pretty much by the first half term

If they moved him, they'd have to move someone else as well (to keep the class sizes equal) and that's not fair if they're happy with the current arrangement.

I didn't really know anyone at secondary school. There was a friend of a friend in my form (we had a mutual friend, but we were never at the same primary school ourselves, and I'd only met her a couple of times before). And someone I'd been at a different primary school with (I went to three) in one of the other forms. But certainly no actual friends. And it mostly stayed that way (I was on the edge of a couple of small groups at times, but they were better friends with each other than they were with me), because I'm autistic.

If he isn't, he'll probably have no issues making new friends. Or getting closer to the others again; things change.

My child went to secondary with 8 others from primary and 4 from extra curricular activities - none of the 12 were in his form group or any of his classes. Many of them were together in other forms and he was the odd one out. At the time I was a bit upset for him (not that he knew that) but it actually worked out really well - it forced him to make new friends at the beginning when they’re all new and trying to make friends, instead of clinging to people he knew at primary. By end of yr seven he was still friends with several primary and extra curricular friends but also had a whole group of new mates too and he loved the form group he was in.

Sometimes these things are for the best, try not to worry about it. I certainly wouldn’t ask to school to move form groups around the whims of eleven year olds’ social connections.

When I did year 7 form groups, we got information from primary schools and from the children. They were asked to put down the names of some people they wanted to be with and we agreed that there would be at least one in the same form. We also listened to primary school staff regarding who they felt should be together and who should be separated. Then, a mix of ability is needed in each form. When you have several feeder schools it can get complicated.

Please be reassured that it’s genuinely done with care and concern for a good mix of everything in every form. There are times when, after a few weeks, if something really isn’t working, changes can be made, but it’s not just a question of moving someone. If you move one, someone else has to move, then that may not work and so on and so on.

It really is something that’s done with care. Schools will make changes if absolutely necessary, but it really is a last resort after everything has been tried, given the effort that’s put into arranging the form groups in the first place.

DS was in form with 6 kids from his primary school. Hangsout with none of them now.

I do try to support his friendships such as inviting children over

He's a bit past the age where you should be arranging his social life for him.

Let him make his own arrangements - inviting people over, dropping in after school, arranging to meet in town or to go swimming or whatever.

And don't panic if he hasn't found a best friend by the end of term. There are a lot of new people to get to know.

But if someone asks him to go to a lunchtime or after school club or some other activity, encourage him to say yes even if he's not sure it's his thing. He doesn't have to go again if he really doesn't enjoy it.

Give him time to settle in, it will take at least half a term. Both my children attended a school with no one from their primary, they mostly went into a feeder school with a couple going off to the grammar school or private schools.

They both made friends with new people. Ds1 instantly with the child he was sitting next to in form, seated alphabetically. This new friend went to stand with all his primary mates at break and Ds1 just tagged along as they were talking. He stayed with that group and half of them still meet up in their early 20s.

Ds2 who is my very quirky but interesting child, he just walked around the playground at break and lunch so he looked like he was heading somewhere rather than standing alone. One kid asked him if he was looking for someone and they have been friends for the last 9 years. They were in a group, one dropped out after year 11 and they gained a new friend in year 12. They are still all in touch even though they are all at different unis.

Even though a lot will sort of cling to primary mates at break etc school do a great job at intentionally breaking up primary friendships to enable them to make new friends. Clubs are great for this, something to talk about that they have in common. Everyone is scared as it is all new, from a different teacher for every subject and moving classrooms.

The first day of year 7 is usually spent going over the rules, talking them through their planner and homework and then with a map they go and find their classrooms and mark them off. Mine also left a good 10 minutes before the rest of the school kick out so they can leave without the masses.

What you can do to help your son. Stand with him in front of a mirror, keep his head up, a slight smile on his face to look approachable and confident even if he doesn't feel it So many children are now in his year group and they want to make friends. Get him to look at himself whilst talking to you. He can talk to his classmates about which school they came from. Do they walk, take the bus, get a lift? Did they like that last teacher etc.

Only worry when you have to. As my Mother would say, don't meet trouble half way. Talk to him about you starting school but keep it positive.

Don't be that parent.
He has 5 years now and will change classes, maybe wven forms, many times. There may be sets,language options, gcses, he may even make a good friend in y11. Unless you are planning to attend the school in his place, just leave the poor kid to live his life. He got two of the friends he asked for, so don't even know why you are so bothered.

To ask to change class before he's even started is a massive over-reaction. Give it until at least Christmas.

Listen out for when he starts mentioning names of new friends, and offer to have them round.
It'll be fine.

Anecdotally, I remember having to put 5 friends on my list when I was due to start secondary school. I got one of them, and she certainly wasn't my "best" friend.
A year later, my three best mates were 2 girls from different primary schools to mine, and a girl from my primary school that I'd literally never spoken to until we were in the same form at secondary.

My experience was the strong friendships were made in the extra curricular activities, not the classes. These were the children they had stuff in common with, whereas the class friends were just random.

I do understand the worries you have, I think it’s normal. But you need to encourage your child to make other friends when he starts his new school, regardless of how many he currently has. I remember way back when she started year 7 in a school she knew no one, telling my daughter that if she sees anyone being left out of things, to include them. Partly because it’s the right thing to do, and partly because she might make some good friends that way. Both are true and she did.

They're very unlikely to change the classes anyway, especially if the school is full. If him moving would require another child to move too, then it is not an option.

Leave it to shake out. Threes are hard to sustain long term anyway and he should have plenty of opportunities with other classmates.

DD hardly ever spoke to her old friends from primary again. She made new connections on the induction day and met with some during the Summer break.

I think the only one she stayed a bit closer to was a girl who also attended the same Scout pack for a while.

Friendship is really changing at secondary level, I wouldn't worry but encourage him to be open and talk to others, exchange phone numbers and let him make his own plans.

My youngest had 3 good friends when she left primary and they were all put in her secondary class. Two were closer as their mums were good friends - they dropped dd during the holiday club the school organised before they started. The other girl was somewhat odd, and though dd stayed friends with her for a while, she became very frustrated with her as the girl lied and exaggerated all the time. She made other new friends though - actually moved through roughly 3 friendship groups over 5 years (last two incomplete due to covid). I wouldn't worry.

The secondary school will get information from the primary schools, which they use (although some primaries are better than others). However, as pp have said, the yr7s always make new friends, and friendship groups change. Don't let it concern you.

Your feelings are to protect your son and we'd all feel same it's a hard process

Don't worry about it, they nearly all move on from primary school friends by the end of Y7.

Yes! Probably this. DC1 never really had any friends in primary. In secondary they always did, which I think was down to the fact there was a much larger pool of kids to choose from at secondary.

There is an enormous amount of work that goes into form allocations. He will know people in his form, even if they’re not best friends any more. There will be new friends he hasn’t met yet.

I think he has to give it a chance. Moving into a different form is a bit like dominoes. Push one and the whole lot collapses.

DS3 started school with 3 children from his junior school. None of which he was particularly friendly with. It was a rough term but by Christmas he settled, he is autistic too which adds a complicating layer.

He’s just finished year 9 and has a great group of friends and loves school.

what I’m saying is-it’ll be okay, don’t have the school make changes before he’s even started.

Mum of 5 Don't ask to change, When it comes to secondary school your child isn't put into friendship groups it's more to do with the level they are at he will make new friends i promise you

Give it a chance, it will probably all work out fine.

Easy to say but don't overthink this.

Knowing people in your form matters for the first half term and then new alliances begin. My DS knew nobody in his class (while everyone else seemed to have at least one friend 🙄).

He now has a nice, varied group of new and old mates from various classes. Their form isn't the be all and end all.

His extra curricular mates from sport and cubs have also become more of a focus, interestingly.