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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's in the wrong here?

309 replies

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 16:10

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

OP posts:
Snoken · 17/07/2026 18:36

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:34

I know, I know. That is exactly how she feels. How can one bit of grumpiness and disagreement erase years of support and care though? How can she spiral to such a degree that she thinks because I snapped at her that it means I don't love her for goodness sake. I snapped because of her selfish actions (coupled with my current situation). It's called consequences.

I think because you did it when she came home and then again the same thing when she tried to speak to you the day after. I would have left too because you were not open to talk about it and I would have much rather been at home than staying in someones home who was clearly pissed off with me.

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:35

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 17/07/2026 18:33

Whether it’s due to stress, immaturity, generational differences or what it may be, it does feel like younger people are a lot less able to handle momentary stress/fallout/a minor spat.

I can’t decide if that’s good because it means they didn’t grow up with it so it hasn’t been normalised, or bad because everyone has a bit of tension every now and then and it’s not the end of the world.

Quite.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:34

andweallsingalong · 17/07/2026 18:23

And if the tears and asking if she should leave were because her underdeveloped brain, combined with anxiety thought your grumpiness meant you had fallen out with her, didn't want to see her again and no longer love her.

Do you want her to sit with those feelings and wallow in it because "she could have easily called me". Come on OP. She did wrong, but you're the adult in the situation, she's barely one!

I know, I know. That is exactly how she feels. How can one bit of grumpiness and disagreement erase years of support and care though? How can she spiral to such a degree that she thinks because I snapped at her that it means I don't love her for goodness sake. I snapped because of her selfish actions (coupled with my current situation). It's called consequences.

OP posts:
2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 17/07/2026 18:33

Whether it’s due to stress, immaturity, generational differences or what it may be, it does feel like younger people are a lot less able to handle momentary stress/fallout/a minor spat.

I can’t decide if that’s good because it means they didn’t grow up with it so it hasn’t been normalised, or bad because everyone has a bit of tension every now and then and it’s not the end of the world.

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:29

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:28

No, I said before that she has a family home and her own accommodation. It's out of character gor her to behave like that with me. Nothing happened on her night out.

How on earth do you know nothing happened on her night out? You’ve not had a civil conversation since she returned

and you say she’s not usually like this… with you. So she usually erupts and stomps with the person/l she usually lives with?

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:29

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:27

She’s gone now
You have your home back
Just kick back now and rejuvenate rather getting yourself more hyped up on this thread

Good advice. I will.

OP posts:
Error404FucksNotFound · 17/07/2026 18:28

It would have been better to cancel the trip and try to rest up throughout the day as much as possible.

TherW · 17/07/2026 18:28

rather than deciding who is right/wrong - what is the outcome you’d like?

is it to get an apology and move on? Is it to have help with your caring responsibilities?

personally I have always found sleep deprivation has made me murderous. I would have reacted terribly to the flounce in the morning.

but now come time has passed is it worth messaging to say that you’re exhausted and you’d like to move on?

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:28

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:25

Was she kicked out of where she usually lives hence staying with you at a completely unsuitable time?

And if completely out of character with you… I’d be concerned something concerning happened on her night out @Whyohwhy1974

No, I said before that she has a family home and her own accommodation. It's out of character gor her to behave like that with me. Nothing happened on her night out.

OP posts:
Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:27

She’s gone now
You have your home back
Just kick back now and rejuvenate rather getting yourself more hyped up on this thread

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:26

EddieMunson · 17/07/2026 18:25

Is it an animal you’re caring for, rather than a person?

No, a relative.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:25

Snoken · 17/07/2026 18:14

Well, no, not really. She tried to have a conversation with you but you shut it down by just saying, in a clearly pissed off way, that you are just tired. If you had explained things more to her and let her know that you are mainly tired because of your caring responsibilites rather than her coming back late she might not have felt quite so shit. I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't even speak to me in a decent way when I'm trying to figure out what is wrong.

I know this is her perspective. She knew I was on the edge though. She knew I hadn't slept in days. She knew how bad things were. I've always been kind and supportive and dependable for her, so she was upset at having me speak to her in a grumpy way. Instead of being more understanding though, she burst into tears, fled upstairs, packed her things and left in the morning.

OP posts:
EddieMunson · 17/07/2026 18:25

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:22

The critical phase is starting to ease a bit. I'll be able to get some sleep again tonight.

Is it an animal you’re caring for, rather than a person?

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:25

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:18

With me, yes.

Was she kicked out of where she usually lives hence staying with you at a completely unsuitable time?

And if completely out of character with you… I’d be concerned something concerning happened on her night out @Whyohwhy1974

HelenaWilson · 17/07/2026 18:24

Well, no, not really. She tried to have a conversation with you but you shut it down by just saying, in a clearly pissed off way, that you are just tired. If you had explained things more to her and let her know that you are mainly tired because of your caring responsibilites rather than her coming back late she might not have felt quite so shit.

Presume this adult woman knows op has caring responsibilities - since she was staying in the same house - and might have considered how she could avoid making things more difficult for her?

andweallsingalong · 17/07/2026 18:23

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:16

No, probably not but I'm not feeling very reasonable right now. She could equally have got in touch to say, 'I'm sorry I added to your stress, let's not fall out' but the silence is deafening.

And if the tears and asking if she should leave were because her underdeveloped brain, combined with anxiety thought your grumpiness meant you had fallen out with her, didn't want to see her again and no longer love her.

Do you want her to sit with those feelings and wallow in it because "she could have easily called me". Come on OP. She did wrong, but you're the adult in the situation, she's barely one!

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:22

Random321 · 17/07/2026 18:20

"I'm streesed beyond anything I've ever felt before and not coping at all"

This is the real issue.

If you weren't so stressed, you would be so exhausted and sensitivity. It's on really an issue because of the circumstances and tensions are high. You have a great relationship otherwise so don't ruin it over something small.

Your stress and exhaustion is far more concerning.
Have you spiken to your GP?
Asked family/friends for support?
Checked home care packages?
Spoken to the medical team about options/respite etc

The critical phase is starting to ease a bit. I'll be able to get some sleep again tonight.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:20

RoseField1 · 17/07/2026 18:05

I don't think you need houseguests at the moment. Unclear why she came to stay with you for a few days only and then went on a night out? That's a bit strange

I mean, I was a bit peeved but definitely didn't show it. She wanted to go out and see her mates. She stays here often enough that I'm used to her just coming and going really.

OP posts:
Random321 · 17/07/2026 18:20

"I'm streesed beyond anything I've ever felt before and not coping at all"

This is the real issue.

If you weren't so stressed, you would be so exhausted and sensitivity. It's on really an issue because of the circumstances and tensions are high. You have a great relationship otherwise so don't ruin it over something small.

Your stress and exhaustion is far more concerning.
Have you spiken to your GP?
Asked family/friends for support?
Checked home care packages?
Spoken to the medical team about options/respite etc

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:18

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:13

Op again - you say this is completely out of character for her?

With me, yes.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:16

category12 · 17/07/2026 18:14

Is this the hill you want to die on?

I think I'd just phone or message her and say "sorry your visit went a bit wrong, I was overtired and it would have worked better if I'd loaned you a key. Let's have a chat".

No, probably not but I'm not feeling very reasonable right now. She could equally have got in touch to say, 'I'm sorry I added to your stress, let's not fall out' but the silence is deafening.

OP posts:
Nousernameideaaga · 17/07/2026 18:16

Nobody at fault

Shes enjoying her life and you currently aren’t.

Try and patch it up and I hope things get better for you

ThatCyanCat · 17/07/2026 18:15

I don't understand this at all. You are caring for someone in crisis, it involves going through the night with them - what if you'd been called out while your niece was out and she had no key? This didn't occur to her? Or you didn't insist she took a key so you could get some sleep whenever you felt able without being restricted?

Snoken · 17/07/2026 18:14

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:06

No and I never said it was but she knew I was struggling and coming back 2 hours later than she said made me want to sob. So instead of having a go at her when she came through the door all smiles and hellos, I said I was exhausted and went to bed. My tone made it clear I was pissed off but she had a nuclear meltdown because I wasn't all, hi, did you have a nice time, don't worry about being late, it's fine.

Well, no, not really. She tried to have a conversation with you but you shut it down by just saying, in a clearly pissed off way, that you are just tired. If you had explained things more to her and let her know that you are mainly tired because of your caring responsibilites rather than her coming back late she might not have felt quite so shit. I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't even speak to me in a decent way when I'm trying to figure out what is wrong.

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:14

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 17/07/2026 18:12

I think the whole situation was caused because you weren't thinking straight because you are exhausted..

It was always possible that she could be late back due to circumstances beyond her control, so agreeing to wait for her until 11 when you desperately need sleep was a bad idea.

In fact, you should have said that she couldn't stay at all as you are exhausted.

I would never say she couldn't stay. I didn't even know she was going out until that afternoon. She didn't say before she arrived.

OP posts:
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