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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's in the wrong here?

309 replies

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 16:10

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 18/07/2026 23:16

I’m with you @Whyohwhy1974 she sounds a bit immature and she should be a bit more understanding and respectful.

Aluna · 18/07/2026 20:35

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:28

Oh. My. Good. God.

Bottom line is that it’s not a sensible time to host any guest when you’re on the verge of a breakdown from caring for someone.

If a young person does what young people - be a bit thoughtless on a night out, lose track of time, stumble home late and drunk, that’s not outside the bounds of expectations.

There are so many things you could have done - ask her to stay with a friend, give her a key, even when she texted you to say she’d be late you could have asked her to stay elsewhere or left a key outside for her.

Just take responsibility for your choices, accept that your behaviour was suboptimal as well as hers, be the bigger person and apologise. I’m sure she will apologise in kind. And most of all stop wasting energy justifying yourself online.

pikkumyy77 · 18/07/2026 20:35

Its rather obvious that you are deeply disappointed that your niece and her mother and other family members have not so much as inquired how they could belp and you are exhausted with solo caregiving. You either know no one will help or you haven’t asked and are wishing angrily that someone will notice you ate drowning and offer support. Your niece didn’t realize that you were wishing she would hang out with you/spell you/notice you and you lashed out verbally. Try to get more help. You will alienate yourself from people you love by being so passive aggressive.

Nearly50omg · 18/07/2026 20:35

20 year old ADULT staying in someone else’s house expecting them to wait up for them and then when they were already late messaging that they would be back at 1pm is ENTITLED and RUDE and disrespectful!!! She should have stayed elsewhere rather than have her host inconvenienced and then to be rude and snarky when she came in instead of apologetic and also then sleeping in and coming and having a strop at her host was even more RUDE!!! Op shouldn’t be apologising to her niece the entitled adult should be apologising to HER!! Think you’ve seen the actual real person op unfortunately and she’s had the wool pulled over your eyes thinking she is such a nice quiet well mannered person before

usernumbernotfound · 18/07/2026 20:29

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:28

Oh. My. Good. God.

I am beginning to understand why your niece reacted as she did.....

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:28

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:28

Oh. My. Good. God.

Get some sleep @Whyohwhy1974

The story is getting very muddled

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:28

Oh. My. Good. God.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:28

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:27

Eh? I meant in terms of relationship, not geographically.

That is what I meant
she will never stay with you again?

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:27

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:26

How can you possibly know whether it's optimistic or not when you know literally nothing about what's been going on?

* I was deranged with exhaustion.*

you say it had been life or death
you hadn’t slept for 48 hours
then had 4 hours sleep
but think that it was going to massively improve

hell yes I’d say that was optimistic

usernumbernotfound · 18/07/2026 20:27

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:24

I didn't say I hadn't slept for the previous 2 nights.

You did- you literally said I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out

So I understand why people are finding it odd you arranged a day trip

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:27

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:26

I thought you said you were very close?

Eh? I meant in terms of relationship, not geographically.

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 18/07/2026 20:27

She's 20. She could have stayed with a mate or booked into a hotel. No need for you to wait up.

Aluna · 18/07/2026 20:26

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:21

Because, as I've said several times already, the crisis was finally over. Things were improving. That particular night was going to be the first night when I was able to have a decent stretch of sleep.

So why choose that night to host a young relative and not give them a key?

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:26

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:22

I’d say that was rather optimistic given you said that the previous days had been “life or death”

How can you possibly know whether it's optimistic or not when you know literally nothing about what's been going on?

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:26

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:23

She won't be coming to stay again. She's about to move in to her own place about an hour away. So the scenario will never recur.

I thought you said you were very close?

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:25

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:24

I didn't say I hadn't slept for the previous 2 nights.

Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night.

and yet you thought that this night would be massively improved and arranged a day trip

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:24

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:23

In fact you hadn’t slept for the previous 48 hours
but made plans for a day trip?

I didn't say I hadn't slept for the previous 2 nights.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:23

independentfriend · 18/07/2026 18:26

I think one way to fix this is to cut her a key and message her saying you have a key for her the next time she comes to stay. That will probably prompt/ start the conversation again - showing her you still love her even though you were annoyed/exhausted/snappy that night.

I hope she's learnt never to go out without a key again.

She won't be coming to stay again. She's about to move in to her own place about an hour away. So the scenario will never recur.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:23

In fact you hadn’t slept for the previous 48 hours
but made plans for a day trip?

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:22

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:21

Because, as I've said several times already, the crisis was finally over. Things were improving. That particular night was going to be the first night when I was able to have a decent stretch of sleep.

I’d say that was rather optimistic given you said that the previous days had been “life or death”

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:21

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:18

But you said that for the previous few days it had been hellish and you were very low and depressed and the caring duties are overwhelming

so why would that night have been any different

Because, as I've said several times already, the crisis was finally over. Things were improving. That particular night was going to be the first night when I was able to have a decent stretch of sleep.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:18

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:16

Why not? If I'd gone to bed just after 11pm, I'd have got enough sleep to ho out for the morning.

But you said that for the previous few days it had been hellish and you were very low and depressed and the caring duties are overwhelming

so why would that night have been any different

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:16

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:15

The trip should never have been planned surely

Why not? If I'd gone to bed just after 11pm, I'd have got enough sleep to ho out for the morning.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:15

Aluna · 18/07/2026 18:31

She must have had stuff with her as she was staying with you.

Either way if you’d said - “I’m knackered and need to go to be early so Lucy would be the better option. If you come back here you’d need to be home by 10 as I’m not giving you the key” she might have made a different choice?

Yes, she had stuff with her. At my house. Not on the night out. She didn't take anything on the night out because she was returning to mine.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:15

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:14

Dry begging? Jesus christ. I didn't wake up at 6am for the trip. I woke up at 6am because I was/am looking after someone. Which I've explained. Repeatedly.

The trip should never have been planned surely

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