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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's in the wrong here?

309 replies

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 16:10

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 17/07/2026 16:21

key safe needed

Wingwalk · 17/07/2026 16:19

Sorry you're having a tough time. Sometimes when we're in a bad place we make unwise decisions though.

  • Saying you'd wait up in the first place for her was silly. She should have taken a key even if she was going to be back at 11. If you're so exhausted there was a chance you'd have wanted an earlier night
  • Deciding to wait up even longer when she was going to be late was silly. You should have hidden a key and gone to bed.
  • Getting up at 6am unnecessarily was silly. It almost sounds like you were doing this on purpose to prove to her how tired she has made you. Obviously neither of you wants to start a day at 6am when you've been up till 1.30am. Its too early even if you hadn't!
  • telling her at 9am you were exhausted is silly. You chose to get up at 6am for no reason. Had you just been waiting for her for 3 hours by this point getting annoyed? You should have gone back to bed.
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 17/07/2026 16:18

A bit of column A and a bit of column B

20 year olds tend not to understand burnout and lack of sleep they still have that teenager ability to sleep a lot so she doesn’t understand your pain .

Why did you not leave a key or give her a key

Give her a day or two and chat in person- no messages

BudgetBuster · 17/07/2026 16:17

Why not just leave a key out? She's 20... she doesn't need you sitting up waiting for her.

It's also not her fault you were deranged with exhaustion. There was no need to be passive aggressive. If you had plans that meant you all needed to be up at 6am then why not wake her up?

Sparkletastic · 17/07/2026 16:17

She was thoughtless and immature but if she apologises I’d agree to put it behind you. Next time she needs to take a key!

TheBlueKoala · 17/07/2026 16:15

You were passive aggressive. Why were you waiting up for a 20 year old? You could have just given her your Keys. And what were you up at 6 am about awaiting her to come down. If you had plans you could just have woken her up. It sounds like you have done anything to be a martyr here and I don't blame her for leaving.

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 16:14

Wow that escalated quickly

Devilsmommy · 17/07/2026 16:13

If it really did go down this way then no, you aren't in the wrong and she sounds like a complete drama llama😂 flouncing out because you said you're exhausted, that's a weird fucking reaction

ScrambledEggs12 · 17/07/2026 16:13

I don't think you're being a twat. But, you could have left a key somewhere for her instead of staying up?

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