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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's in the wrong here?

309 replies

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 16:10

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

OP posts:
category12 · 17/07/2026 18:14

Is this the hill you want to die on?

I think I'd just phone or message her and say "sorry your visit went a bit wrong, I was overtired and it would have worked better if I'd loaned you a key. Let's have a chat".

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:13

Op again - you say this is completely out of character for her?

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:12

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:07

You say this is out of character for her

Does it occur to you that something happened on her night out that has upset her?

Nothing happened.

OP posts:
Liverpool52 · 17/07/2026 18:12

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:10

This has been said over and over again. The moment has passed. I wish she had.

But you accepted it.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 17/07/2026 18:12

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:06

No and I never said it was but she knew I was struggling and coming back 2 hours later than she said made me want to sob. So instead of having a go at her when she came through the door all smiles and hellos, I said I was exhausted and went to bed. My tone made it clear I was pissed off but she had a nuclear meltdown because I wasn't all, hi, did you have a nice time, don't worry about being late, it's fine.

I think the whole situation was caused because you weren't thinking straight because you are exhausted..

It was always possible that she could be late back due to circumstances beyond her control, so agreeing to wait for her until 11 when you desperately need sleep was a bad idea.

In fact, you should have said that she couldn't stay at all as you are exhausted.

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:11

3luckystars · 17/07/2026 18:10

Are you asking the right person for help?

Can you ask here??

Well unless I ask a random stranger on here to come round to my house and nurse someone through the night, then no, probably not.

OP posts:
andweallsingalong · 17/07/2026 18:11

Ellie1015 · 17/07/2026 16:40

As she is a good guest and presumably a neice you love i would be a bit worried she was so distressed by a minor fall out that she reacted that way. I would reassure her she was welcome and ask her to always take her key in future in case plans change. I would also be making sure she knows even if you're annoyed about her behaviour occasionally, you will always work through it and be there for her. An apology for disturbed sleep and taking key in future is all that was needed.

Unless you suspect she was crying and leaving to avoid an apology or acknowledgement you were tired because of her in which case fair enough to act how you did. But I wasnt getting that vibe from your post.

This

She shouldn't have stayed out until 1am, but you say she's been through a lot which might explain why she over reacted and became so upset.

At that point, in hindsight, wouldn't it have been better to say , no you silly moo, I love you to bits and want you to stay!!! Then talked about no more late nights or taking a key when you were both in a better place.

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:10

Liverpool52 · 17/07/2026 18:09

I never understand why grown adults don't just take a key.

Just take a key.

This has been said over and over again. The moment has passed. I wish she had.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 17/07/2026 18:10

Are you asking the right person for help?

Can you ask here??

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:09

3luckystars · 17/07/2026 18:05

There is a lot missing, if you are caring for someone who is close to death could your niece be upset about this? What is actually going on?

Can anyone here help you? You are going to get burned out you need help.

I already am burnt out. I've been screaming for help but no one is listening. I told her mum that I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. No one gives a shit. They're not close to death, just critically ill.

OP posts:
Liverpool52 · 17/07/2026 18:09

I never understand why grown adults don't just take a key.

Just take a key.

HelenaWilson · 17/07/2026 18:08

It’s not clear to me why:
......you didn’t hide a key when you realised she was going to be late

Not everyone has somewhere they can easily hide a key. Some people's front doors open directly onto the pavement, for example.

3luckystars · 17/07/2026 18:08

How would you be all chirpy if you are caring for someone who has nearly died?

you need a counsellor and someone to come and give you daily respite, not a teenage houseguest.

How did you end up in this situation?

Missthemachine · 17/07/2026 18:07

You say this is out of character for her

Does it occur to you that something happened on her night out that has upset her?

ThatCyanCat · 17/07/2026 18:07

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:06

No and I never said it was but she knew I was struggling and coming back 2 hours later than she said made me want to sob. So instead of having a go at her when she came through the door all smiles and hellos, I said I was exhausted and went to bed. My tone made it clear I was pissed off but she had a nuclear meltdown because I wasn't all, hi, did you have a nice time, don't worry about being late, it's fine.

Why didn't she take a key? I think this is important.

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:06

BudgetBuster · 17/07/2026 17:53

So actually none of your tiredness is down to her?

No and I never said it was but she knew I was struggling and coming back 2 hours later than she said made me want to sob. So instead of having a go at her when she came through the door all smiles and hellos, I said I was exhausted and went to bed. My tone made it clear I was pissed off but she had a nuclear meltdown because I wasn't all, hi, did you have a nice time, don't worry about being late, it's fine.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 17/07/2026 18:05

There is a lot missing, if you are caring for someone who is close to death could your niece be upset about this? What is actually going on?

Can anyone here help you? You are going to get burned out you need help.

RoseField1 · 17/07/2026 18:05

I don't think you need houseguests at the moment. Unclear why she came to stay with you for a few days only and then went on a night out? That's a bit strange

3luckystars · 17/07/2026 18:04

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:00

I've been trying to prioritise my sleep but the last few weeks have been literal life and death and caring responsibilities through the night. There's literally only me, so there's been no one else to help carry the load. I did sleep last night though and feel somewhat better for it.

Could your niece help? That’s not sustainable and you know that.

MeridaBrave · 17/07/2026 18:01

It’s not clear to me why:
You didn’t give her a key when she was staying
you agreed to wait up to 11
you didn’t hide a key when you realised she was going to be late
you got up at 6am
So yes the correct response was “sorry” but really I don’t understand why you waited up for a 20 year old

ThatCyanCat · 17/07/2026 18:01

diddl · 17/07/2026 18:00

There's no "need" to stay up if she has a key. She's 20 and on a night out, of course it's likely she might want to stay out longer than originally planned.

Then she should have made sure that she took a key.

Exactly. So I've asked OP why she didn't.

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 18:00

3luckystars · 17/07/2026 17:57

I understand you are tired but you are an adult and you need to prioritise your sleep.

If you don’t prioritise your sleep and cop on to yourself, you won’t be able to care for anyone.

Edited

I've been trying to prioritise my sleep but the last few weeks have been literal life and death and caring responsibilities through the night. There's literally only me, so there's been no one else to help carry the load. I did sleep last night though and feel somewhat better for it.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/07/2026 18:00

There's no "need" to stay up if she has a key. She's 20 and on a night out, of course it's likely she might want to stay out longer than originally planned.

Then she should have made sure that she took a key.

Rosecoffeecup · 17/07/2026 18:00

Rather than ruminate over who is right and who is wrong, I would just be upfront with her and say sorry we've fallen out, I'm exhausted, neither of us meant to upset the other and can we forget about it and move on

ThatCyanCat · 17/07/2026 17:58

diddl · 17/07/2026 17:49

Because as I put if I was usually still up there is no need.

If she thought she might be out later then I think she should have said & asked for a key.

I think if you're staying with someone it's generally good manners to stick to doing what you said you would.

There's no "need" to stay up if she has a key. She's 20 and on a night out, of course it's likely she might want to stay out longer than originally planned.

I don't know, given the two choices I really don't understand why you wouldn't go with the one that lets everyone do whatever they want without impacting on the other person. Needing to be home or stay up is so restrictive and unnecessary, and when OP is stressed, sleep deprived and all over with caring duties, I can't understand why she wouldn't just give niece a key so she can come and go without restricting OP or being restricted herself. Makes no sense.

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