Should I move back to care for parents?

@TheFormerMrsTruelove sending hugs x you are doing a fantastic job x

Op, my mum has carers 3 x a day. I have POA and do banking and legal stuff which I can manage with my job etc, my sibling does the interaction with the care company which is funded through SS. I would have a practical conversation either way your DB and mum about how you can help without disruption to your life. There are other ways to help.

Exactly so.

My Mum really resents that she needs help (she has dementia) and has always said she wanted to go to a home when the time came and didn't want her children taking on the burden. The time came and now she's completely pissed off she's in a home! I think, with all things in life, we can always imagine how we're going to behave in the future but life doesn't always go that way.

Yes, I know. That’s why I said she could help her brother have that conversation with them. There’s no point the OP feeling guilty about living some distance away if her brother is adamant that he can take care of them at home, or if her parents are quite happy to go into residential care. There’s point is, that the conversations need to be had before anything else.

And I appreciate exactly how hard it is. I was a young carer and now I’m a much, much older carer.

Whenever I see threads like this, it reinforces my wish for my child never to need to do for me what I’m doing for my parent now.
OP, you’d be better moving this to the elderly parents board where there are many people in your situation.

@TheFormerMrsTruelove what if its the parents that reject the family trying to help? Not everyone is willing to accept help or care. My mum was ill, i offered to move back home to help her. Got told to bugger off. My dad looked after her but he had a breakdown in the end. Finally she accepted she needed help but she got more and more ill and ended up in a nursing home.
Looking after someone at home is never an easy option.

I give my children a good start in life so they can fly, not so they tie themselves to me when I’m unable to do things. I hope most parents feel the same these days.

No don’t disrupt your kids’ lives and move them/their schools etc just so you can spend less time with them, burning yourself out caring for everyone. It’s shit but your parents have your brother. Most men wouldn’t tie themselves in knots over this. From experience it’s a really shit gig being a mum and a carer of the elderly at the same time.

I don't have answers op but I'm in a similar position and I feel a huge amount of guilt that I can't help day to day. Unfortunately I'm 3 hours away and have a young child and full time job, so it's not as simple as upping and leaving, as I'm sure it isn't for you. I know my parents wouldn't want me to have dismantled my life (and certainly not their grandchild's) to care for them but they were good parents and I'd like to be there for them more than I am. So no answers, but I understand how hard it is.

Be cautious. Think very carefully about what you could do to help. I am a single sahm and f/t care-giver for my mum who has complex needs. I am exhausted.
I would suggest helping to arrange a needs assessment for both of your parents first and then decide how to help

This has really shocked me. Assuming they weren’t cruel or abusive in any way, you’d have to be a really bloody cold sort of person to just turn your back on them. I mean, I’m not saying she should give up work and leave her own family to look after them, but to just leave them to it with no help at all seems brutal. Do you not have a good relationship with your parents?

OP, I think you should talk to your brother and find out how he feels about the future. Is he adamant they won’t be going into a home? Or is he struggling to keep up? If he thinks it’s getting to the stage where they need more support than he can provide, I think you could offer to help him have that discussion with your parents and then help him sort out the practicalities of finding them a place together and selling their home to pay for it, or arranging for carers to go in and sorting out an equity release to pay for it. There doesn’t seem to be much point in worrying about moving until you know how everyone feels.

Whenever I see threads like these I always think, if it were you in your parents situation and your child didn’t want to be involved in your care for whatever reason, how would you feel?

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

There is an elderly parent section on MN

What would happen if your DM is no longer able to care for your DF ?

Do you have power of attorney health & wealth for both parents. You can set it up ready to use in the future.

Do your parents have wills ?

Does your DF claim attendance allowance, it is not means tested
If not it should be applied for

www.gov.uk
Search power of attorney
You can do it yourself with a printer & witness

Don’t do it. I promise you it’ll swallow you up.

Arrange external care

I would not. You have a life in an area that you CHOSE to live, OP, with a young family of your own. Can you really take on the responsibility of taking care of two adults, potentially for years to come?

I've seen this play out in my own family. It was very limiting, for all of us, as well as stressful and difficult (partly because my grandfather did not want anyone else caring for him; it was the family's responsibility... but we were all working full-time, with families and pets and houses to run, and effectively had no life because we were running around after him). If anything, it cemented the thought of, "I don't want this life". It sounds awful, but I couldn't take on the care of others in addition to the responsibilities of the time... and I do not regret moving away and getting some distance from all of that, because there is only so much that one person can take on at a time.

Your home is elsewhere now and you have OH and child to consider. You are happy where you are and I am sure that is what your mum and dad would want.

You need to talk with your brother about what contribution you can make from a distance so that he is not doing everything.

I had a similar situation - my sister was 150 miles from me and living near our parents, so the bulk of the practical support came from her and her OH. We talked about how I could help, but the fact of me living further away was a given. I did most of the arrangements for care at home from a distance - I had career experience as a social worker - and dealt with the funding issues around that.I dealt with the benefits. I also used to talk with my dad on the phone every week about his shopping and I would do this online for him and have it delivered - I had his bank card details.

My sister picked up in the spot problems that arose and visited far more than I did as she was so close.

It worked out well. She did not feel I was ducking out of my responsibilities and not pulling my weight - we communicated openly together.

I moved in advance because I knew my parents would age. That time has now come.

One is dead and the other is immobile, in/out of hospital etc

Like a PP, I feel duty bound. I want to because I feel compelled to, I love her and state social services are not adequate and at times not even kind. But my god it is hard.

My mum would do anything for me. There is no one on this planet who will ever love me more than my mum.

Caveat - i do not have children nor a husband.

It depends on relationships. We moved back to my home area to help look after my parents, but it depends on how they were and are.

Social Services care is inadequate snd not much good.

No.

Your priority is your own family and your own life.

If you move you will stuck in a carer role for two people potentially for years in a place you don't want to live in and you will have uprooted your own family.

If your parents are struggling they need to consider home carers or wether they can still live independently.

I think you should stop focussing on what the right thing to do is; and instead look at what you want to do.

I suspect you just want to stay where you are?

Op don’t uproot your life for this, to a certain extent it’s up to individuals to plan properly for their own care as they age. I fully intend to exonerate my own kids from doing a damn thing. Women (especially) who do as you're thinking of usually end up resentful, poorer, drained and miserable. It’ll majorly fall to you to take on the care, if another male family member believes there’s a chance you will. It’s how society is wired, not necessarily a slight on that specific individual. If you are happy in your setting and your own family is settled do not feel you should.

What plans did they put in place for their elder years ? Caring would be exhausting and possibly for years so don’t do that to yourself .