AIBU to consider another baby while still renting in our thirties?

Mumsnet has such a fixed idea of what the sibling relationship should look like and the ideal age gap to achieve that. I have much younger half siblings who were born when I was around the age your DC’s are (and the biggest gap is even wider than what you propose). We’ve still got great bonds and our relationships are pretty good and actually better than the ones I have with my siblings closer in age.

As kids we obviously weren’t joined at the hip but I remember doing their bedtime stories, building forts for them to play in, watching movies on the sofa, and helping them out with crafts or whatever. Yes I did a bit of babysitting in my later teens but it certainly didn’t ruin my teenage years to be given some money for a take away and told I could have a mate round to help once in a blue moon. And now we’re all grown adults but at different stages they’re hugely engaged aunts and uncles with the energy to run around after my kids and willing house sitters if we go away so it paid off. We manage to have a lot of fun together meeting up to socialise separately to our parents despite over a decade in age gap.

No guarantee your kids would be like this but having been there myself I don't recognise the picture some PPs are painting where your current children will only suffer if you bring new siblings into their life at this point.

@ElvesDoNotWalkintheDarkEarth It's really not as simple as just buying your own home unfortunately. My husband and I are long-term renters (over a decade now) despite both working; we met later in life and neither set of parents could offer the financial help that younger people are often fortunate enough to receive. Our wages are not high.
It also isn't a simple as saving up for a deposit of course as private rentals are expensive!
When I met my now husband he had no bio children and I had two, but only 50/50. The considerable amount of childfree time was one neither of us had ever wanted, and we were blessed with our own little girl. My eldest is now at uni so she has his room (which he was happy with) and we converted the study into another room/snug. My middle son (16) has his own room as he always has.
What will happen when we are older? Well, there will be inheritance from both sets of parents (in their 70s and 80s now) which will hopefully allow us onto the housing ladder finally. We won't need a big place bt any stretch as God willing by this point my sons will be adults and off doing their own thing.
So I disagree that renting always stops you from having another child.

I woukd go for it. I had my second child in less than ideal circumstances.

Not sure why renting is a problem, we deliberately choose to rent and spend on good holidays and memories

We bought a house and had lots of holidays with DC. Memories just happen, don't they?

I have 4 kids and there’s a 12 year age gap between the two youngest.
it didn’t affect the older ones exams at all and they all really loved having a baby, they are all relatively close now (older ones have left home now).

The financial side only you can say.

I have ten years between my eldest and youngest and they're really close, in part because my eldest is a lovely boy and he still gets involved with his younger brothers playing and such. The age gap wouldn’t concern me so much. Starting again with a newborn is hard though obviously when you’re out of practice. It’s a tough call and not for any of us to make. Personally in your financial/career situation I wouldn’t.

Was this something you always wanted? Any chance you could be perimenopausal? Some of my friends got broody around peri.

i have young adult children and would echo other posters’ comments about the support your kids need during their exam years.

I had a similar experience, although my siblings were only six and eight years older than me. They were very close, while I was younger and ‘left out’ as a natural consequence of the age gap. I also had a bit more freedom than they had as my parents were more relaxed or just ran out of energy.

Regarding the issue of the OP’s age, I had my first (and only) child at 38 and I agree with comments about changing energy levels. I’m now in my late 40s and definitely noticed a drop in my energy levels in the past few years. It’s been manageable with just one child, but I can see that if I’d had older children as well, it would have been difficult.

Absolutely, you can build up a significant investment portfolio whilst renting that will see you through the future. There is very much an argument for that.

But, and here's the reality, most people don't save and don't invest. The majority of people will realistically spend spare money on holidays or just trying to meet the basic cost of living. So the pension contributions are put on hold, the savings diminished, just to keep paying for the car, house or other family needs.

So whilst that argument can be put forward in a vacuum, it doesn't necessarily really exist or can exist for the majority of the population trying to make ends meet.

A mortgage requires a payment every month, which will build up equity whilst putting a roof over your head. So whilst it's not necessarily the highest or most effective yielding investment, it does fulfil two basic needs at the same time: housing and future wealth.

I think you need to consider all the factors anyone needs to consider when having another child.
Do the current two have their own bedrooms? Is it a 4 bed house so that if you do have the baby they will have their own room? This seems to always be the big issue for people on here. Asking your eldest to have to share to make room for the new sibling will cause resentment, or asking one of them to share with the baby will also cause upset.
You then have the possible car issue - fitting a baby seat in amongst 2 adults and 2 soon to be teenagers is likely to mean a bigger car is needed.
Then you have the additional costs of going from 2 to 3. Do you have all the baby stuff saved or will you be starting again needing to buy cots, pushchairs, bottles etc.
What impact will this have on your current children? As mine have got older (end of primary) the things they want to do/present they want for birthdays are becoming more expensive (son can dream on it he thinks we can afford a gaming computer for him).
Holidays become tricky as a family of 5 rather than 4, some places you need to book an extra room.

To me it sounds like you are in a good position of having savings and in a job that has good earning potential that will benefit your family. Stopping to have a baby is likely to halt that (maternity leave, will you then want to work part time).

You mention that you are renting at a reduced rate through family, and are saving to buy a house. Presumably you have a spare room for the planned new child? I'd want to be sure that the family member that you are renting from wasn't giving you a reduced rate in order to help you into a better financial position, in which case they might be upset about you actively putting yourself into a worse financial position and pushing the date of being able to buy a house even further down the road. If they aren't doing that and are just renting to you because they want to, rather than with expectations that might be different.

Although a lot of what you say makes sense, the point that was made in the podcast I mention earlier is that owning a property isn’t actually the best way to built up financial security because in order to release the equity from a home you own you either have to leave and sell it (which isn’t easy or desirable in many cases) or you have to remortgage which also isn’t always easy, possible or desirable especially as you get older. Renting has become more secure with the new law (plenty of challenges with that law but for those already in rented it does give more security of tenure). So yes it is true that finding properties is competitive and expensive but I think we sometimes place too much emphasis on property ownership in this country when we need to look at other types of financial investment as well. It’s not a dichotomy between buying a property and having no financial security. There are other ways to invest money that can bring financial security while you rent.

Gasp! An only child! Gracious!

This, you would be mad and selfish as well. This child would grow up like an only child as well. No really strong bonds of growing up with siblings. But more importantly- you really want to be sleep deprived at this age, changing nappies and starting from zero?

Oh for sure, but equally it isn’t for everyone. I don’t mean living a life that’s radically off beat or anything like that but for my part I’d have preferred a bigger age gap! Two close together is ah … a challenge at times. But I was old so didn’t have the luxury of waiting.

Go for it I say, I have two children adults now I often think we should have had a third. Too late for us of course. Lots of parents have age gaps. If you wait for the perfect circumstances, it will never happen. Good luck

I'm not really fussed about being conventional but it some cases I think there are good reasons why most people things a certain way

My children are that kind of age and their dad and his wife had a baby and now they rarely ever want to go to his house

It's something that would definitely make your life harder in terms of increased costs and juggling the needs of two very different age groups. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's not worth the benefits but I'd be thinking long and hard about what support your family has and what your back up plan would be if renting from family is no longer an option.

I did ( but not the renting bit)
The pros
She was and is an absolute delight. Her older sisters loved her from the start.
Cons
I had school age children for 27 years. That really gets old!
Toddler and teens aged me. Up worrying about teens that are out, and a toddler that is full of beans at 6 in the morning!
Now I am 58 but have an 18 year old still at home and to get through uni.

Write yourself a list of the risks for each course or action, and then the benefits. Think honestly about the effect on your older kids, your retirement provision, your career progression and financial sustainability of your family.

Some friends did exactly this, ordinary middle class household - and their finances changed -job loss for main earner followed by a string of insecure work. Their third child had health problems. They ended up needing to use a food bank. It has been immensely stressful for them and they have never recovered five years on. It doesn’t mean it will necessary happen to you, but go in with your eyes open.

I also have a 10 and 13 year old. By the time you have a baby they will be almost or already 11 and 14. I would not be adding a baby to the mix. They need your full attention when they go into high school and exams in my opinion

My siblings were 12, 10 and 8 when I was born. I kind of grew up like an only child as they were busy teenagers when I was small. My parents were too exhausted to really parent by the time I hit my teens (I had very free/unrestricted teenage years) and they took very little interest in me. Obviously I’m not saying this would be your parenting style but I would consider the fact you’ll be in your 50s when this baby is a teenager, having already raised a couple of other ones, and ask yourself if you really want to put yourself through that. Your career will likely take a hit.

Personally I would prioritise owning a house with two DC over a lifetime of renting with three.

Generally MN doesn’t ‘do’ unconventionality. It’s one or two children with no more or less than a 3.5 year gap.

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘if you want a baby have one’ at all but I also don’t think a big age gap is the worst thing in the world (it actually works better as far as I can see than the approved 2-3 year age gap.)

Renting is a problem because the availability of properties to rent has decreased significantly and the cost of renting is increasing exponentially. Being able to afford a house to adequately house a larger family becomes more challenging and puts more stress on the family.

If either parent were to lose their job, through illness or redundancy, and unable to afford the rent then homelessness would become a very real issue. Council housing is increasingly scarce and the ability to walk into a property straight away is difficult. Look at the stats for family homelessness, it is very sobering.

Job security is increasingly deminishing and trying to find a replacement job getting ever harder.

Whilst owning a home is also a big financial commitment, it also means that you are building up equity for the future which can be used as required further down the line.

Also, unless you are significantly investing any spare cash, renting can cause problems in later life and retirement. Unless you have a gold plated pension and savings pot, it will increasingly become an issue to afford rent. If the state pension still exists, then trying to find accommodation to afford within that budget is going to be very hard. Again look at homelessness in retirement stats, it's incredibly sad.

The days of blithely saying just do what makes you happy are gone. The current financial situation society is facing means that the safety net once enjoyed is not as good as it once was and many are facing long term problems due to that thinking. We need to be able to help the children we already have launch into adulthood as smoothly as possible, which means financial planning is key no matter what your household income is.