AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

I have a friend who is the child of two parents who married in later life. Her dad had two daughters from a previous marriage. When her dad died, his estate went entirely to her mum who now intends to leave her everything, meaning her step-siblings get nothing. Thankfully my friend is a decent person and intends to give them half regardless.

But if you're like the mum, your DH's kids won't receive a penny, so I don't blame him for wanting to ring fence his share.

Which is why I said dont move in together. If neither of you will budge then thats the only option

It is really tricky and I can see both sides here. For me protecting the interests of my DC was always going to come first. They existed before my relationship with DP and I had worked so hard to ensure that they would benefit from my hard work - IFYSWIM. Equally, I can understand why you and my ex-DP would want to know that they had a house to live in. Long before he became ex-DP, we had agreed that we would not own a property together.

However, there are lots of legal safeguards that can be put in place, I just knew that the anxiety of it would gnaw away at me and I'd be so worried about dying first!

Hi, OP -

The only part that feels awkward to me is what you have said about maintenance and upkeep.

I know other arrangements are possible. Could you see a solicitor about this?

I would want to uphold the principles that firstly, only those contributing financially have a say in the decisions, and secondly, that all owners should make financial contributions in proportion to their ownership. (Not for routine cleaning, of course, or perhaps gardening. But for anything much more significant.)

The problem is that if there is a conflict and the DC stick together, giving everyone an equal vote means they win. I think it is better for you to have 50.50% or 51% ownership and to defer decision making to you. A solicitor surely knows much more.

Best wishes

Well the alternative is that he leaves it to you, then you die and leave the entire house to a dinosaur charity? It’s completely normal to want to pass stuff down to kids. Unless you want to just buy the house yourself, let him live in it until he dies and let him keep the other house to pass on to them / sell his house and keep the money in an ISA for them.

My mum hasn’t done this, and she is a lot an older than her husband. So I know as soon as she passes I won’t get her half he will leave it to me. I think what he is suggesting is fair.

If he dies and leaves his half to you, will you write a will to guarantee that his children inherit after you die?

What he is suggesting is completely fair and correct. You only have to read the number of posts on here about children whose parent passed on their half to their partner, who later cut them out, to see he is doing the right thing by his children (as he should.)

Bluntly, if you are worried about this and housing security in these circumstances, then you shouldn’t sell your own home and buy a place together.

In principle I think its fine.

Perhaps you should consult a solicitor yourself to look into the concerns you have.

I dont see how they should have the right to veto decisions but not be responsible for any costs. They cant have it both ways.

t. My worry is that the way he wants it set up is that they have a say in what I do to the property, I’m expected to pay for all upkeep and maintenance, which they can veto, or demand more if they want.

leaving it to his own DC is perfectly normal , this however would grate. Not being allowed to decorate or on the other hand being forced too if you don't want too? Being made to pay for upgrades? Who decides what's reasonable and what isn't?

don't move in together - I can't see that you're on the same page

It's a very common and fair Will. Your DH owns half of the house now.
Would you prefer that he leaves it to his sons upon his death, forcing a sale and for you to buy something smaller?
His plan means that you have access to his estate for your benefit until you die. Very generous.

Thats hardly fair though is it?

That would be a dealbreaker for me. This is why I would never ever buy a property with anyone if my DH died

It's a very normal and fair way to write a will, especially if either partner has children from a previous relationship.

I'm not sure, but presumably the children would have a 50% share, so would have an equal say in what you do to the house? So you would retain a degree of control. Routine maintenance you should be doing anyway, as you live there, but on the plus side, I believe that they would be 50% responsible for any major structural work that needed doing.

I can understand that you might be a bit nervous of losing control of the property you live in, but speak to a solicitor and your DH regarding your concerns, you might find it's not as difficult a situation as you think - after all, many many families have their will written this way.

If you are really against the idea, you might be better not to buy together - perhaps you could keep your respective properties, live in one, and rent out the other?

You have absolutely identified the issue correctly. And, I’m afraid, given he already has descendants, the answer is to not go ahead with the purchase together. His half is already spoken for when he is no longer alive.

Buy your own house, visit each others. Simples.

I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

I’d imagine they’re all probably thinking the same thing about you. If he owns a house then he’s very clearly worked hard all of his life to pay for that. You’ve been in his life for five minutes. Why on earth would you think that he should disinherit his children, leave everything to you and keep his fingers crossed that you’d leave them half of your estate after you die? Or that he should be fine with his lifetime of hard work going to random relatives of yours rather than his children?

I don’t think you’re ready for the financial implications of living with someone with children, albeit adult children.

Financially, it would be better for him to leave his half to you if you suceed him as this would not incurr any inherritance tax. Then you leave half the value of the property to his children in your will.

One problem with his suggestion is that if they own half the house, they are responsible for half the repairs. Imagine if you need to replace the roof and they refuse to cough up their half, or if they want to get their capital out of the house and put pressure on you to move out.

This is exactly why I refused to buy a house with ex-DP. I had 2 DC, he didn't and there was no way if I died first I was going to have him continue living in a house, half of which would be my DCs inheritance.

If you and your DP do go ahead, I would get proper legal advice and ensure that you have aboslute clarity about what happens in the event of one or other of you dying first. You also both need to do your wills to reflect this too.

You still haven’t said what you think he should do instead.

If you were in his shoes, you’d want to leave your share to your children.

His plan is the standard option in this situation imo. But I can see it could come with issues if his children decided to start hassling you for their inheritance early (I have seen this happen). I’m not sure I’d feel totally comfortable with it. Would you be able to buy a home with your 50%? You could opt for a period of time to stay in the house (say 2 years) and then you’d release the Inheritance and buy something smaller with your half.

In my family, the whole house was kept in trust for the DC till the (2nd) wife died. In the end the wife needed somewhere smaller and cheaper to run so negotiated with DC that she’d get an amount to buy a small place and would release the rest to the DC early.

His proposal is standard and the only fair option. It sounds like you shouldn’t buy a house together if you’re not comfortable with it.

Surely you’re not suggesting that he should leave his share of the house to you?? Or is it just minor changes in the terms that you are wanting?