AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

This is how we set up our wills. I also suspect it is what OP's partner means and it isn't at all unreasonable and it is very normal. Nor does it mean that someone else has control over your home.

My DH died in March.

My property is now going to remain 50% mine with DH's half going into trust for our three DDs, who are now all adults. I have the right to remain in the house and they cannot make me leave or sell it. Nor do they have any say over anything else regarding the house including decor. We are just awaiting the grant of probate to be able to finalise it all.

I remain free to sell the house and downsize if I decide to in the future. Whatever property I buy then the trust for the DDs moves with me just as it is.

If things had happened the other way round and I had predeceased DH then it would have been my half that would have gone into trust for the DDs, with him able to live in the property for as long as he wished.

The other aspect of this OP is that you might die first. Do you really want to leave your half to him and onto his kids? Are there no relatives/friends/charities you'd rather your half or a proportion of it go to?

I actually believe that you are overthinking this.

As PPs have said it's a normal arrangement and is fair to you as it guarantees you a property for life (unless you move) and fair to his children.

The obligations on maintenance etc are normal too. They are not usually onerous. But obviously the ultimate 50pc beneficiaries wouldn't want you to do something that diminished the value of their future entitlement.

If your relationship is otherwise strong it would seem a shame to me to torpedo it over this arrangement.

Is he much older than you?

My widowed uncle insisted that when his second partner moved into his farm, she kept her house and rented it out. The farm was destined for his son, so he wanted to be sure she had a home to return to. No life interest in the farmhouse. Everyone was in agreement.

This is fairly standard my son and his partner have done this as he was married with children before.
To be honest if I was mortgage free in my own home there is no way I would sell to buy another with someone else. I believe you should protect your own interests. Im mid fifties also so get what you are saying.

My first real arguments with DP were over imaginary scenarios when writing our wills in the same situation as you. The only things I would add (if no one has suggested it already) are:

If I have another partner after DP dies, they may live with me, and if I die before that partner, they have the right to stay on in the property for 6 months before it is put on the market to sell, and

I may choose to move home using the entire capital of the property as many times as I want if DP dies before me but the estate will only pay legal fees/moving expenses/stamp duty once.

Much of my discussion with DP centred around how would he feel if he had the same terms imposed on him - and if you have anyone you would want to leave your estate to, talk in terms of mirroring your will to his in favour of that person benefitting from a lifetime interest in the property and see if that makes him change his suggested terms.

You missed the bit where OP has to pay ALL of the maintenance and upgrade costs.

And his DC can demand that she puts in, for example, a new kitchen or bathroom or anything, at any point, to keep the property updated and easy to sell when SHE dies.

Talk to a solicitor, a specialist in this area - they'll have seen these types of situations and will give you both options. If the options don't work for you then two properties could work maybe? I do get that this is unsettling for you and having to move on top of grieving might be quite hard on you but I also get he is trying to protect his children's inheritance. Best to find out what the options are first.

OP- I think you are going round and round on this without having all the proper information. As you yourself said, you wont be the first person in this position and you wont be the last.

Until you know legally what is and isnt possible you dont have all the options in front of you to make an informed decision. You need to go and talk to a solicitor - knowledge is power and there might be options you dont even know about

Another option OP … When he dies (hopefully not for a long time yet) … you could sell and then the kids get their half/share , you get your half and then you buy your own home with no one having an interest in it ? Also … there will hopefully be increase in equity - so you get more than you put in anyways. And leave your money to whomever you choose. Not him. Or another option - don’t buy together and you each keep your own homes- this sounds the best idea.

We have mirror wills as we own a property 50/50 but Mr Monkey has an adult son from a previous relationship and. rightly, wants to leave half to him. We have it written that the surviving partner can live in the property (or any subsequent property) for the rest of their life. At no point did we discuss,or the solicitor mention anything about giving his son a say in maintenance of the property and it is not written in to the will. I don't think that sort of clause is standard in these situations.

Sorry, I get that people want to make provision for adult children to inherit but you can’t have your cake and eat it. If you marry or live with someone, that is their home as well as yours and you can’t just expect them either to be made homeless or live under intolerable conditions when you die. If you want to ensure that your estate is fully protected, stay single. But don’t try to get the best of both worlds which is what this guy is doing. By doing so, you’re showing how little you care about the other person. And if the OP’s partner doesn’t care about her, of course she needs to look out for her own interests. Nobody else is going to do it, are they?

I was left my Dad’s share of the house and my Mum still owns her share which will eventually be left to me once she dies. It’s called Liferent. My Mum is responsible for all repairs, etc. It’s where she lives so I’m not going to object to the way she decorates, etc. Any improvements should hopefully increase the value of the home so it should be in their interests that they allow you to make these changes.

I am in Scotland just in case the law is different from where you live.

It’s quite simple
The house would just be sold and OPs equity alone would be used for care costs
Dhs kids would get their share at the point of sale ( after they’ve paid their cgtax bill of course )

I would be aware of the costs of renting out one property
If there are no pooled assets and yours is rented out who pays the costs, you or both of you jointly ?

When a second property sells there’s cgtax to think of aswell, which of course you wouldn't be liable for when the house you are living in sells
Ultimately the better ‘deal’ is with the house you both chose to live in

Plus
If Burnhams brings in his council tax changes the ctax will be on the landlord to pay

Definitely look into the pitfalls aswel as the benefits of renting

This has probably already have been mentioned - sorry if so - but how complicated would it be if you needed to sell your half of the house in the future to fund a care home for yourself?

Whilst it is right that his DC should inherit from him,I think you are right to be cautious about this.

A relative of mine was in this situation her DH died his half went to his DC from first marriage. One of them made her life a misery wanting access to the house and wanting other things, because she owned part of it.... my relative got very ill and ended up selling house to get away from it all. And actually the DC demanded rent from my relative.

I think this is the reason why you shouldn’t combine finances, as upon his death you would be in a complicated situation and reliant on the good will of his DC. You would need to have a legally binding agreement tied to the will on how maintenance/running costs etc would be carried out and, if they did not have funds to - for example - go halves on a new roof or boiler etc, you would be snookered. From their perspective, depending on the age differences now, you could outlive him by anything up to 20 years and they would be unlikely to be happy to have to wait for their share of his estate or incur the maintenance costs involved.

So whilst it is not uncommon for someone in your DP’s position to set up his will this way, it does inevitably create significant problems later for many people. This may also be an issue if new property taxes are introduced, or a welfare levy etc, or should either of you need to go into state funded care in your later years.

Rather than mix things, financially, could you keep any current properties that you both own and rent it out yours and move into his, paying your way? Then, should he die, you simply revert back to your original property [or you could sell it at any point, put the cash into an account to buy yourself somewhere at this stage - but you could arrange to leave it to him should you predecease him].

Selling your properties and buying a joint one is utter madness when one or both have kids. What he suggests is fair and normal. Your concerns are also absolutely valid. That’s why it’s madness and I have no idea why it’s being considered.

Just pick one house to both live in. Rent the other house out. It’s probably cleaner to rent his out, so on his death, his kids can just sell straight up. If for some reason you both decide to live in his house, and rent your house, that’s fine but you would need to move back to your house if he should die before you so his kids can sell it. That would involve having tenants leave etc, which is a faff so easier to both live in yours if you can.

I think lots of posters have only read your original post, not any of the updates, and are therefore missing vital information.

If everyone read your 10.41am update, I think they might have very different opinions.