AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

OP, a lot of people are piling on here but it's really clear your problem is not with them inheriting. I wouldn't be happy with someone else having a say in what I have to do to my home or dictating what I spent money on. As you get older, you might not want to spend on a new kitchen, or live with the upheaval of it.

The house i bought last had not been updated since the 70s, as, according to the neighbours, the chap who lived here said he didn't see the point. It significantly reduced the asking price which is why I could afford it. I can see that people expecting to inherit with a view to maximizing that amount might have pushed for major but not strictly essential work like kitchen and bathroom replacement. I think any legal arrangement needs to spell out what is considered essential for maintenance.

His plan makes complete sense. If he gave you it you could promise the world while he was alive but in reality choose not to give his children a dime. He’s protecting them which I agree with.

Don’t buy a house with him if this makes you uneasy, he shouldn’t change this plan.

I think this is unfair.

A lot of older people struggle to maintain their homes. Who is to say that the OP won't end up with dementia and a deteriorating house?

The old lady opposite ended up with a pigeon infestation because she never went upstairs and didn't see how bad it had got

Honestly I think he has misunderstood here; how on earth would this be enforceable. Eg I have had my kitchen for 20 years and it’s fine, my friend changes hers every 10 years who decides what is right? Do you spent £10k on a kitchen or £100k ?
There can’t possibly be an ‘right’ answer.

You are being extremely unreasonable. You want to do his children out of their inheritance. It's reasonable for you to be able to stay in the house until you die or sell, you have been provided for.

What happens to the house when you die if he dies first?? No guarantees the husbands half of the house will revert back to the children on your death.

People make wills like that to prevent stepparents getting their hands on the kids inheritance. Rightly so!

That's not really how it works. The will once executed forms a life trust for you. You can sell the property providing you account to the trustees for any monies. So you can buy another property with the proceeds and the trust continues.

Yes you have to maintain the property but in effect there is no mechanism to ensure you do this.

The property is effectively yours for the duration of your life. Nobody else will have a right to enter the property, and you can do with it what you like. Have a lodger, grow vegetables, keep dogs etc.

I would advise a short appointment with a friendly wills and trusts solicitor. It will cost you around 150 to 250 for half an hour and you should go armed with questions.

As pp said this is very common and also fair to all parties.

Well as hes male he probably will die before you and it leaves you in a position if you want to sell or move as will you have enough money to buy somewhere and do you want to move or stay there forever,

Standard and fair when there are children. I don’t have children, but my mother has done this so her Partner can stay for 3 years after she dies, then the house is returned to us children.

The answer is dont sell your houses. Rent together instead.

Keep your home as an investment property and move into his place?

I'm your partner in this position and intend to do as he is suggesting (we are actually in the process of buying my ex's share of the house, now). My partner is happy with the plan, and assumed that it would be my preference. He has said that if he dies after me, he will leave everything of his to my children as he does not have his own (and we are too old to have children together).

So you sell it when he dies take your equity and buy somewhere of your own

But in those circumstances how are they going to take a woman with dementia to court because she can't look after herself or her home? Maybe put in that they have a shared equal to 50% of the value at the time of his death. So anything she does to the house afterwards doesn't affect them.

Exactly this!

Yeah I’ve seen some pretty disgusting behaviour from adult children, including trying to make elderly disabled people homeless. People lose their sense of decency when it comes to inheritance. I would try to avoid it like the plague. People barely care about their own parents when it comes to this sort of stuff, let alone the partner of one of their parents.

She could easily be in her 80s at that point. Having been close to my happy, fairly healthy Mum when she was bereaved mid 70s, she was not in a fit state to be moving house. Bereavement knocks you for 6. Being old can do the same. OP needs to look after her own future interests. Likely her partner isn't thinking about 80 year old OP, he's thinking about her as she is now, strong and independent, and his kids as the vulnerable parties.

Personally I wouldn't even buy a house 50/50. Joint tenants only. She doesn't want to be financially joined to someone else's kids, because it is stressful at 40, and doesn't get less stressful when she gets elderly and mired in grief.

Hi OP, I wouldn’t agree to this and when I married my DH I had an absolute red line about it (particularly as I’ve brought far more assets into the marriage than him).

we have mirror wills so that if one of us dies the other gets everything. At the point that we both die, half goes to his DC and I am doing other stuff with my half. That’s already generous given more of the assets were mine to begin with.

No way I would agree to anyone else owning half of my home if my DH died first. Who knows who else might come into their lives as adults and try to influence them?!

We have seen this in practice too. My FIL died, and his will allowed his partner (they weren’t married) to remain living there for as long as she wanted. My SIL - who always hated her dad’s partner and had it in for her - would not accept this when their dad died and made the life of his partner an absolute misery. She ended up walking away and now lives with her own sister. They had been together for 35 years and that house had been her home for 25.

I no longer have contact with my SIL as a result of her behaviour.

Well, the other thing he could do is leave it directly to them and you have to sell when he dies to realise their inheritance.

You can then use your half to buy a new property, presumably with the remainder of the money you realise when you liquidate your current property?

I had a similar situation with a (now) ex. But he weirdly decided to leave his share to me, not his DC, which I thought was odd. I left my share to my niece and nephew.

Had he died I would absolutely have given his DC the vast majority of his estate (probably bar a bit to cover any costs etc). But I was lucky that I owned a lot more than him and would have been able to re-home myself.

If his half of the house is held in a trust for his children but you have a lifetime interest in the whole of the property then on your death, the children gain access to the trust and your interest is willed however you want, that sounds totally normal and reasonable. The part about the children having control somehow over the home sounds a bit odd though. You have the right to live in or sell the property in your lifetime, and it’s also normal to stipulate that you keep the home in good condition etc etc.
you should probably get some legal advice to help you understand exactly what is being proposed and how enforceable some of the terms are? The trust and lifetime interest bits are all good in my books but the other parts are raising some big question marks.

Initally I thought you were being unreasonable, but having read the updates yanbu.

The situation would likely put a strain on your relationship with your step children. There are also so many scenarios in which things could go wrong.

Disagreements about maintenence. What if you wanted to move a new partner in. Would they be able to charge rent on their half? Would they be able to move in if they wanted? What if you decided to sell at a low point in the market and they weren't happy? If you became unwell and let maintence slip but didn't want to leave. Or if they pressure you to sell...

Mine and hubby have the same will arrangements... I have adult children and he has none. If I die first my half is then technically owned by my children but they have no say whatsoever in anything to do with the house until my husband either dies or sells it. They can't oppose any changes, they can't force him to sell. End of. My sister had this arrangement too and she did die first. Her husband sold the house 8 years later and the solicitor handling the sale sent her son his share of the proceeds.

OP you might have a solution via alternative wording re.the DCs' rights over the house, but a couple of alternative ideas:

• you refer to already having your own house and assets, so why not aim to buy a modest house together so that you could always afford to buy them out of their father's share and something in his will to say you had the right to do this?
• as you develop your relationship with his DCs perhaps consider mirror wills where you and your DP inherit each other's share of the house but then his DCs inherit your whole estates from each of you i.e. they wait until you have both died to inherit, the house is fully yours for your lifetime but ultimately they inherit twice what they would have inherited just from their father. The only people to lose out here are anyone else you might have left your estate to, though the DCs might be nervous about you changing your will after their father has died.
• or buy a bigger house together with half passing to his DCs but accept that any jointly bought house will only be your home for the lifetime of your relationship and expect to move if your dp were to die (as you get older you could also downsize to make buying out his DCs a possibility)

Agree with all of this. His unreasonable demand that his kids have a say in how OP lives after he dies is revealing.

And OP saying,

"I suspect this may be a deal breaker for him. He wants to live together and get married."

also sounds demanding to me, like he's threatening that if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll ditch OP.

What is the actual wording of the will?

Because I’d be very surprised if it stated the children had a ‘controlling interest’ beyond reasonable expectations that the property to be maintained to a normal standard.

It’s a fairly common arrangement so I’d be surprised if they’ve veered in to a position whereby the Op has lost control of maintenance issues.

Are you also concerned, OP that the other half belonging to his DC could mean they live there too, or have access to use the house? Not sure if this is an issue, but you definitely need ultra-clear legal advice on the possible implications of whatever is decided.🍀