AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

I think that nobody on here can put themselves in the position other than being the adult children. It’s probably an age thing, with most people being younger. Also most on here are parents and aren’t positively inclined to second wives or the possibility of their own children not inheriting. So people can’t fathom that being married or cohabiting with someone should entitle them to something because that would mean that the adult children wouldn’t get their full inheritance.

This is 100% normal and expected when it comes to step families. I work in this area and very very rarely do spouses leave their share to their “new” wife/husband. Usually always a life interest to protect their children’s inheritance. For all he knows, you could leave the entire property to the cats’ home and his children miss out on receiving anything from their father’s estate.

It makes no difference to you while you’re alive - they can’t force you out or to sell. You can usually move house as well, unless he is going to stipulate different terms.

I think your concerns are perfectly valid OP. You have no idea how his DC will behave towards you in future.
In your situation I would want the house to be sold and the proceeds divided based on the percentage you each own. It is very important that this is documented officially by your conveyancing solicitor and records of mortgage contributions. You need to get advice on whether you should be joint tenants or tenants in common. I can never remember which way round is best for your situation, but I know it is important.
Are you really sure you want to sell up and buy a property together? Personally, in your situation I wouldn't . I would keep my own place and just enjoy weekends and holidays together. Much easier.

That’s certainly an alternative, except that the OP wouldn’t be able to sell it if she wanted to downsize, or perhaps go into a care home, plus she’d still have all the maintenance etc to pay for.

I completely agree. Why can’t others on here see the unfairness in this arrangement?

I've been the recipient of a similar bequest. The person I was inheriting from was a relative but not a parent. The inheritance was also shared with my siblings. We didn't have any say in what the life tenants did to the house and it was allowed to degrade, meaning it lost value. The life tenants also tried to argue that the inheritors should contribute to maintenance costs but we didn't all have the finances to do so.

I completely agree. Why would you marry someone or live with them long term if you didn’t want them to get anything when you died? Just stay single. Marriage for women at least means performing a load of unpaid labour, especially in older age (women tend to live longer and often are in better health). I know we don’t value that financially but I think leaving your spouse your half of the house isn’t asking too much really, especially if you have a decent rest of the estate and your kids will be well provided for.

If I was going to marry I would want my spouse and my kids to inherit. But I think it is fairly common for people on here to marry or be in relationships with people that they actually don’t like very much or who just serve a purpose such as sex or companionship.

If I was the OP, I wouldn’t entertain such nonsense.

So you sell it, pay the kids out and buy a smaller house for just you

You've asked this before.

I personally think he's being fair.

Exactly! I’m so glad a few of us are acknowledging this! I feel like I’m going mad reading some of these posts saying this is absolutely normal and OP is unreasonable. Saying that the children should have any control over a home that she has a lifetime interest in is definitely NOT normal.

👏👏👏 Good post!

He’s not-he’s being very unreasonable. If he’d said the children had to pay half the maintenance and renovation, that would have been reasonable!

Would it be possible for him to leave the property to you, upon trust for his children, that would mean the property would be in your control until your death, then the property share can pass to the children?

I wouldn't like this either. I too would understand why he is looking at this though.

I'd hate it if I wanted triple glazed windows but his kids would only pay for repairs to the windows ...or vice versa. Or the roof was leaking and they wouldn't pay. Or what would happen if it burnt down, got damaged etc or what if one went bankrupt how would this asset be counted? Could they take out a mortgage on the property?

The unfair part is expecting the OP to pay for all renovations and maintenance, so that the children will eventually inherit a well maintained and updated house without paying a penny.

I don’t understand why someone would want their children to inherit everything and your partner or spouse to get nothing? If I was in your DPs situation I would want my partner/spouse to inherit as well as my kids. It sounds like his estate is big enough for that.

If I were you OP, there is no way I would agree to a set up which has the potential for my home to be 50% owned by someone else. As PP said, he wants all the benefits of marriage to you, but none of the costs. I wouldn’t agree to that. Keep your independence.

People on mumsnet are obsessed with the kids inheriting, but they didn’t work for that money, and no one has a right to an inheritance. OP could have 30 years of living in and maintaining that home and sharing a life with/caring for her DP/DH. Why should she get nothing from him, only the cold financial % she put in at the beginning?

He's being very reasonable. This way he ensures that his children, rightfully, inherit his assets. You can choose to not leave your half to your husband, too.

Alternatively, don't move in together, and you both keep your own assets, and can do with them what you like.

Perhaps the partner should state that the house be sold on his death and the proceeds be equally shared between OP and the children. The present arrangement is unfair to OP

I don't understand why you are so convinced that upon your DP's death, his children will immediately start wanting to renovate the kitchen? Do you actually think they'd care?

How old are they, surely they have lives and properties of their own to look after?

This is quite a common situation and on the surface seems fair but in reality I've seen this get messy when one partner dies and the surviving partner ends up suffering.

I would avoid it and go with one of the other options like keeping 2 house and renting one out.

The OP doesn’t have an issue with her DP leaving his half to his children.
What worries her is that this DC can have a say over any works that do/don’t need doing to the house and she has to pay for it, not them.
RTFT.

No she doesn't want the luxury of a bigger nicer property. It's the DP who's pushing for that knowing she'll be leaving her assets to him and his offspring. Very nice for him. The OP seems to be quite happy as they are living in their own homes. She has said she's happy for them to inherit his assets. She simply doesn't want to have his children able to control her assets. For her own security she should stay where she is and not marry him and he can like or lump it.

It’s definitely not fair for his children to have a say in new kitchens, windows, decor etc but not to have to pay anything towards upkeep. Either they own half or they don’t, they can’t have it both ways.

Yes I also suspect it’s a wish for a future nurse with a purse situation. Unlikely to need to spend money on care home fees when dutiful OP steps up and looks after him (relieving the children of the burden). But then as soon as he pops his clogs, let’s make sure she gets nothing.

That would mean two lots of bills, though, plus lots of people feel the best part of marriage is being together nearly all the time. Unless you managed to find a house that was once detached, and made into 2 semis (there are a few like that), OP? So you effectively live together, but you each own one house?
Or, I'd say another property, but rent it out, so you effectively live in one but you each do won a property-but isn't being a landlord supposed to be very difficult now? You could look into it, though.