AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

It’s not - and as I’ve said, I’ve been in this position myself but it’s also not unreasonable to say no if you can’t afford it. No point fretting and worrying about money and then spaffing it in Starbucks.

He’s paying for all those things when he has them 50/50 isn’t he?

I know what you’re saying but when you’re the one paying for electricity, council tax and school shoes while the other is paying for bikes and skiing trips, taking your child out for lunch carries more meaning. You can be the fun, indulgent parent for a change instead of always thinking about practicalities. It’s not unreasonable to want to treat your child.

I think given your arrangement is 50/50 it sounds like he is contributing well to his dc’s basic needs. The cinema trips and London trips are nice, but they are extras that you choose to pay for.

However, I really do not believe that his dividend earnings are what you say they are. Because he doesn’t sound like he’s living the lifestyle of someone taking £30k a month in dividends. We have a limited company. Our turnover is close to £1 million a year. We don’t earn £30k a month. I suspect he’s embellishing a bit and probably living a little beyond his means with the spa weekends and the fancy Porsche and is not as cash rich as you think.

That said, it sounds like your dc are well looked after. I’d perhaps just push some of the more mundane expenses his way. The school uniform and the birthday presents for friends and the new shoes, etc.

I think it all sounds perfectly reasonable. He's providing properly for his children. It sounds like your friend thinks you should personally benefit from your ex doing very well financially, despite you already being divorced when he found his success. I'd ignore your friend and continue with the amicable co- parenting relationship you have.

You could pay more in to your pension.

I am no expert but his contribution seems reasonable to me. You also seem to be in a good civil place with him. What will happen if one of the kids want to go to uni? Or of they need some massive financial support in the future? Do you think he would help?

You are definitely not being taken for a ride. He sounds generous to me.

It sounds like he acquired the majority of his wealth after you split so it’s not a marital asset and you have no entitlement to it.

Your two children will continue to benefit from his wealth as he sounds reasonable and generous.

Is there a way for you to grow your career?

you should make peace with this and accept its not only OK but great

your friend is stirring the pot likely due to some feelings she has about something that has happened in her own life.

you might do more life admin for the kids more than him - but I very much doubt that a court will think you need vastly more than £600 a month for this admin.

The goodwill you have between you two is priceless. Start rocking the boat and its likely he will look exactly into how much he is paying and expecting to pay. Your kids might want driving lessons/cars/uni in a few years - maybe he will pay wholly for these.

I think the other thing your friend isn’t considering is the ages of your children.

You could possibly rock the boat now, and I totally understand that him being the hero with the big ticket items now may seem galling, but then what happens in 3 years when the money he pays is cut because your eldest turns 18, and then in 5 years when it goes completely?

If the amicable set up is gone then in 3 years he can either take over the big ticket items for your eldest, be the hero who step in when mum stops or he doesn’t and then what happens because you’ll be the one your eldest is looking to for help with big ticket items, but your income will be down so likely won’t be able to.

It’s hard when it feels unfair, but the long term is something that you really need to consider with two teenagers and the associated costs coming up that no parent is actually obliged to pay, but we all want to help with.

Keeping your finances settled may also be a wise idea if he’s involved a relatively new partner in his business. If that relationship goes tits up that could get very messy.

I can see why that would feel unfair, and it is awkward to have to wait and see each time whether he's going to be generous or not. He does sound an odd combination in his attitudes to money, happy to pay thousands for one thing but £20 on a regular takeaway is too much.

But at the end of the day, he is contributing a decent amount overall, and the most likely outcome of challenging him on it is that he gets annoyed and contributes less, which would make your life more difficult. Pursuing it legally would have a very uncertain outcome and would destroy what sounds like a mostly good co-parenting relationship. I think you just have to make your peace with it.

Meanwhile, mum pays for so much utterly invisible stuff that goes into the daily grind. Not being funny, the other day my DD and I went into Starbucks and had two drinks and one cheese and ham croissant, it was £18. Money just disppears.

You don't have to pay that. You can say no, I regularly do! A Starbucks isn't necessity or an indicating of quality of life.

How you are feeling is entirely reasonable. I can imagine it also feels rather galling to have to go 'cap in hand' asking for more money when he promised to support you better.

Unfortunately though, I think you would be best served by trying to move on from these feelings of injustice (however reasonable they are) because in the long run, it is you who will suffer more for harbouring those feelings.

I think it's perfectly ok to talk to him about money but try to come at it dispassionately (this is where I think having a spreadsheet might help!), rather than from a place of anger or pain.

Good luck xx

He will definitively be paying some 40% on his earnings (or 35,75% dividend tax) as there's no way of drawing funds from the business and not paying that rate. He will also pay 25% corporation tax so either his profits are even higher than you think or his "take home " is lower than you think or he's in for a shock with his tax !

Op I think you are out of touch of how the majority of people live and your friend definitely is.

You individually are doing incredibly well! With an amicable ex who voluntarily pays when he doesn’t legally have to, is involved with your children’s lives and is also able to financially assist on top to help them develop themselves with interests and schooling.

Anything you were struggling with eg clothing (which agreed can be very expensive) ask your kids to ask their dad or try using eBay and vinted, they grow out of them soon enough.

All the things you’ve listed that you’re able to achieve in a year plus having savings too are only what most people can dream of.

I would nip this thought it the bud right now. Your ‘friend’ is being ridiculous. Are you sure she just doesn’t want you to have drama in your life if she has some in hers?

If he’s a decent guy and he sounds like he is, he’s never going to do over his children is he? They sound like they have a really comfortable life and he picks up the bill for a lot of it.

Your friend will be looking to shit stir. Some people see split families and are baffled when things are amicable. She’ll see a Porsche and think he’s loaded. It’s quite a simplistic way of looking at it and she won’t have a clue about the complexities of running a business.

Thank you. Things are tight, but manageable. We know people who have more disposable income and people who have less and my DC do not complain about anything. I think we have quite a nice life.

And actually, I wouldn't take a penny from XH for myself. The nicest thing he ever did for me was to leave me. But that's not relevant here!

Though I sincerely hope that if he won the the lottery tomorrow he would pay all DC's uni costs and not only offer his half (wouldn't put it past him!).

Anyway, I think you've had some good suggestions from posters. The point about what happens at 18 is also a good one. If your XH then cuts his payments to you by half and contributes directly to DC1, will you manage your finances? You'll also lose child benefit for them at 18. Do you have a plan to increase earning capacity or manage some other way at that point?

Also, worst case scenario, if your XH dropped dead tomorrow, I imagine he would provide for your DC. But unless you know the terms of his will, that might also leave you £600/month short.

So, regardless of the rights and wrongs of anything else, I think it's sensible to think about how to manage without the additional support because you never know what's going to happen.

Yes you should factor it in, why wouldn't you, because it would be perfectly possible for him not to pay for them. Child maintenance is usually regarded as covering all the expenses associated with the child, and he's under no obligation to pay for any of the extras. With 50:50 care it does sound to me that you're getting a reasonable deal and your friend is just stirring.

I'd say your discomfort is probably much more to do with feeling conscious that you made the wrong decision in signing away your rights to the business. It may feel unfair that you shared the early hard work but not the financial rewards, and in truth it probably is pretty unfair, but you can't correct that decision now. As a PP said, you'd be better off keeping an amicable relationship with him and encouraging him to set up savings for uni or future house deposits for the kids, it would benefit them much more in the long run than a few more quid now to spend in wagamama.

Kids are almost always going to have less of a good lifestyle if their parents split up compared to if they stayed together, though, because of the need to pay for two homes. If DH and I split up we would both struggle a lot more financially and the kids would live across two much smaller houses, because currently we pay the mortgage together. That's not the same as things not being fair.

Sorry, edited to add: I mean, less good of a lifestyle materially/financially. It may be a better lifestyle emotionally if their parents were very unhappy together and much happier apart.

I think you've identified the real issue. You're grieving the broken promise rather than the child maintenance itself, and that's completely understandable.

But after a divorce, neither party is entitled to the same financial lifestyle they would have had if the marriage had continued. From what you've described, your children are well cared for and he's sharing parenting 50/50. Beyond that, what he does with the rest of his money whether it's cruises or buying his new partner diamond tiaras is ultimately his choice.

The more important question is whether you've planned for when the children turn 18 and is that financial support is likely to end.