AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

Honestly, I wouldn't rock the boat. There is 50-50 child custody split, and he is self-employed.

Huh, he provides well foe his kids, has them half the time and what she does he funds,

This reads like you’ve blamed a friend and really it’s you who wants more. Your numbers are also muddled, as it appears you’ve not taken tax into account.and I’ve no idea how you know so much about his income and how he spends his money, some of it sounds like jealousy.

if it’s 50 50 them financially he is pulling his weight, you are 50 percent responsible for the kids, and can’t be asking him to pay for your share as well

Ha this is a good point actually, he’s essentially funding everything as it is.

Does he definitely earn 350k or does the business make this? If he’s seriously paying himself a 350k salary each year that must be an almighty successful business.

Sounds like the children are very well provided for and his current wealth and how he spends it isn't your concern atm, the children are far from going g without.

Would you suggest he saves more for them with his assets as what else could he buy them? More stuff? Say you were together and he had this money, you wouldn't automatically start spending more on the kids just because you had more money surely? Their wants and needs are met, and perhaps he is saving for things like weddings and house purchases in future for them. The point is as long as the kids remain as financially supported as they are, and he has them 50/50 then it's not a concern where the rest of his money is.

But no, I don't think you should ask for more money. Unfortunately he's not going to change his attitude to "his" money, that he wants to spend on himself/partner.

Thanks @Writer034I am glad you see my point. I have heard a lot about Rebel from my DH and think improving your financial literacy is always going to benefit.

I really agree with @Sashimiandhisthunderpaws too - it seems very important to you for your DC to have a good lifestyle and you spend on them before you spend on yourself. Your ex seems to have different priorities.

Do remember though - your don’t have to spend money to show your DC love - they will know deep down who spends time with them and who knows them well enough to choose their favourite foods and clothes etc. Maybe try to build in some low cost quality time with them before they start spending all their time with friends and eventually fly the nest?

I would be very careful about ruining what seems like a reasonable and amicable agreement because someone has told you that you could get more. It's actually very unlikely you'll be better off by pushing this to a court order as most of them are notoriously low ball amounts.
Your ex sounds as though he's paying for quite a bit and seems keen to support his children. It's extremely rare for a 50-50 arrangement to give rise to this amount of financial compensation. Be very careful before you screw it all up by being greedy.

Hi @Writer034 I understand what you're driving at. He provides financially good support for higher end core items. But he doesn't spend on them as lavishly on what he deems non-essentials as he does on himself and partner. That's where his mentality differs. He see's that he's spent x amount on his kids and thats a generous amount of money and providing for their basic needs. You're looking at it he should be giving them the same lifestyle that his money affords him and his partner whilst they are with him, taking them on non-company foreign holiday/trips etc. You probably spend your disposable income evenly between you and the kids or more on them.

My ex can't afford to take my daughter on holiday during school holidays, instead he has multiple holidays abroad during term time without my daughter. He wouldn't think well I can only afford one holiday.

Your friend is a shit stirrer and I’d not listen to a word. Your figures sound off too and someone with a monthly income of 30k isn’t going to live in a 450k house. That’s my take home pay and you can add a zero to the value of my property.

“I give them also £25 each pocket money per month, I pay for dentists, hairdressers, almost all of their clothing and shoes (phenomenally expensive for teenagers nowadays!), buy all birthday presents for their friends, I pay for all the smaller school trips (this amounts to at least a few hundred per child per year, or double that if there's a residential), and I generally do loads more with the kids: I take them on holidays abroad (he takes them on one hol abroad that business pays for, and one caravan week in the UK), theatre and concert trips to London, theatre and cinema locally, out for meals and days out. He doesn't really do any of that.”

But most of that you are doing with the £600 he gives you a month.

Turn the table around, if you were to get a promotion or a new job and double your income, would you want to start giving him money?

I think he’s being generous with the £600pcm considering the 50/50 and the business has only been going well long after your split and he covers all the children’s very expensive activities on top of that. He sounds like he is providing for his children very well (as he should be).

If you're happy with the arrangement and it works for both of you, your kids have a nice life and he contributes an amount you are fine with, I don't see any reason to change that. Everyone's needs are met and your children don't go without, they get lots of nice things and experiences. I would not listen to your friend - it may cause bad feelings and rock the current amicable relationship you have with your ex.

I’m glad you’re taking people’s points on board op. I have to say though - and I mean this to be constructive - I think your attitude to money sounds a little loose. Your husband has become better off recently yes but he’s being careful with what he spends that money on. A few years ago, eating out and a trip to London could maybe be seen as a fairly normal part of living a nice lifestyle. Now though, with cost increases all around, it is unaffordable for many people.

I think you need to adjust your mindset on necessities vs luxuries. Your DC need to learn the value of money. Why can’t they contribute to a takeaway or Starbucks if they want them? In a few years, they will be earning and paying for themselves - what have you taught them about living within their means?

I don’t think your ex should pay more. I think you should learn to be better with the income you have and think about saving for the future.

Your children’s needs are well and truly met by their father

You say it isn’t extravagant but everything you’ve described is sounding extravagant to me, even if you have to slum it in Wagamamas from time to time.

What more do you want from the man, blood? He should be claiming half of the child benefit

You're taking your ex for a ride, not the other way round. 50/50, you should share costs down the middle, thats it.

Sounds like everything is amicable. Why not ask him for a few 100 more, see what he says. You dont want him to stop paying what he does, but at the same time he sound very flush!

@Emptyandsad I’m not the OP on this one, I just understand wanting to do something nice with your kids when you out of necessity need to focus on practicalities. I didn’t think the OP was saying she pays more on utilities than her ex does, just that money goes really quickly on not much at all and she’s finding it hard.

Her friend is clearly stirring the pot though, stepping away from that conversation will do her the world of good given her ex is covering so much already.

Two things come to mind reading that

1- you don’t have to try and compete with your ex re how much money is available to your dcs.
You’re thinking house deposit. He is looking at expensive trips but the idea is the same. Money.
Do what feels right to within your means (and yes your idea is a bit bonkers sorry 🙈🙈)

2- you’ve mentioned he can be actually quite tight with money. And that he has a young child with his current partner? I’d be more concerned he is treating them differently tbh.

Just now you’re looking at trips etc…
But very soon, it will be Uni. And starting a new job somewhere (this comes with expenses, starting with a deposit. Maybe needing a car etc…). As I’m learning now, them leaving home and working doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from some support still.
Rather than looking at CM, which looks is fair tbh, I’d be looking further in the future.

But he's paying all those costs himself as well. And he seems to have decided that takeaways are off the menu at his house, which sounds like an equivalent of your trip to Starbucks.

Don't go down the route of competitive parenting. If he buys them nice things, voluntarily, that's nice for them and should be nice for you. What you seem to want is that he gives you more money and you spend it on them and you get the credit for it rather than him.

Beware of the law of unintended consequences. Your arguing for more money may result in less money from him and, more importantly, the destruction of a harmonious co-parenting relationship which will have terrible consequences for your children and for your (and his) relationship with them. Nobody wins when parents go to war

Realistically, fairness is incredibly difficult to achieve across split households with different income levels. While it's galling that he can afford more treats for the kids, your husband is responsible for the upkeep of his children on his time, but not for the family extra-curricular activities you'd like to be able to afford on your time. You sound very level headed about the realities of the situation (with the exception of equity release - just no!).
Would it help to do a paper exercise working out what the children roughly cost you on average on a monthly basis, not including the mortgage? Food and utilities aside, as he covers those 50% of the time, add in anything you provide 100% of and see what the number looks like? How does his monthly contribution look now?