AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

OP @Writer034 is the 'friend' who thinks its unfair and inequitable a new partner..? It was the very first question that popped into my head.

FWIW, I think your ex has behaved very decently indeed and perhaps a retrospective look at you taking nothing from the business is actually some of the issue here.

That old adage "comparison is the thief of joy' is certainly true. I think you are dwelling on this a bit.

Have you ever asked your ex what he intends to do re future housing for your shared DC? Maybe it won't be necessary for you to sell to release the equity for their needs if he has a different plan. Perhaps his stepping up in this area could ameliorate some of your feelings?

They are divorced, it is his money, marriage isn’t a meal ticket for life no matter how long divorced!

On top of maintenance (when he has the kids 50:50) he has paid for:

£180 per month for a school coach
£900 mountain bike
£750 concert tickets
£1500 ski trip
£2500 USA trip
£80 per physio appointment
£50 per week tutoring for one year.

His partner works in the business so his wealth is not all his own. Understandably her child is benefiting.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you won a few million on the lottery five years after you divorced, what would you think he was entitled to?

He won't be pocketing £350k a year. But tbh you have a reasonable salary its above average. Apply to the courts if you think you are being underpaid. The point is you aren't any longer married to a high earner so cant expect the same lifestyle you had before . I wouldn't like it either but it is what it is.

I think it sounds fine tbh

One or other of you might be slightly “lucking out” in this arrangement but it’s amicable and it’s not really clear which way it would fall if thrashed out in a court.

I think the voting is odd because people aren’t sure what answer = YABU/ YANBU

If it's 50/50, I'd say he's being more than generous. I'd either be honest and say he's going above and beyond or keep your mouth shut as it can only go down not up.

You're earning a decent salary, I can't think of a single reason why he would pay you more. Your friend who says he's doing you over is just plain greedy. It's embarrassing that women like her (and there are plenty of them!) see men as a cash cow to support their own laziness.

I don't suppose you have a link to this thread? Have a friend in a similar position, except her ex doesn't pay towards anything at all. All extra curricular activities, school trips, even out of school care on 'his' days because he thinks youngest who has not left primary school yet can look after himself for a few hours). He does take them on holiday though.

I appreciate that you have been willing to take comments on board but are largely ignoring comments about future financial planning for your DC. Your ex may be making voluntary CM payments now but have you discussed what happens when DC hit 18? Your CB benefit will end when DC leave 6th form. Although the CM is voluntary there can be an expectation (unless financial order continues CM whilst at uni) that day to day routine maintenance ends at 18 just leaving one off expenses that can be granted or refused. How does student finance work with 50:50 care? How will you manage the top up to loan - plus voluntary contribution to living costs?

There is not rocking to boat and then there is sticking your head in the sand.

Ex had always talked about paying CM direct to DS2 at 18 and whilst at uni but then he got a new partner and decided he couldn’t afford it. DS2 attends the local uni and still lives at home. My monthly income dropped by over £700 a month as DS2 had income from maintenance loan which ex thought could meet the shortfall. When I pointed out to ex that this was more than his maintenance loan I was told that as his ‘landlady’ I should manage my budget better! Ex has convinced himself that at 18 all parental responsibilities end - I am no longer DS2’s mother but just a landlady and he has no financial obligation. Don’t just cross your fingers and hope for the best.

I would not sell your 'family' home for a good many years after they turn 18. When they are at uni they will need somewhere to come home to for the holidays. All through their twenties they may want to 'come home' and stay for a while, e.g. if a relationship breaks down or they are made redundant.
It can be difficult for young adults in their early twenties to have no family home to retreat to.

If your ex is so rich, then when the time comes you can put pressure on him to fund uni and house deposits for them.
Your maintenance will stop, but the DC may still be 'at home' with you quite a bit, for weeks or months. Plus you need to think of your retirement.
Save your money, you will need it, don't rush to give it to the DC.

Starbucks? Most families never visit places like this. Trips to the ballet? New York? Bike passion? Eating out?

If you asked me for more money to spend at Starbucks, expensive shows, restaurants and travelling I would look into how to reduce my payment. Sorry you seem very entitled.

If anything I might check if/what savings he’s preparing for the kids future. If he has extensive plans then you don’t have to factor that in so much and you can therefore concentrate your budget on the here & now.

@Writer034

'I'm def not jealous of his lifestyle for myself - i.e. I'm not thinking I should be going to a spa every other weekend (or ever!) on his money. But he provides luxury for his new DP and her young kid, and not for his own, real children. I'm not saying he should be providing luxury for them, they're kids after all. But the disparity of treatment hurts.'

So you were dishonest in your OP. You feel this way, not 'someone in your life'. Also, you have said that your exH supports your children and this includes their expensive hobbies and here you write that he doesn't do so.

Lies, envy and greed will eat you up.

Exactly this! To us that’s definitely not a “normal” restaurant. £500 on tickets to the ballet is a huge luxury so is expensive school trips & holidays! I think you need to readjust your view on things. Your ex H sounds generous and sounds like the children don’t miss out on anything they need or want.

With the money that you earn and his contribution + CM, you should be looking at your expenditure first.
£500 show tickets and eating out everyweek are not essentials and you could stay within your means. and this includes clothes shopping for your kids.

You haven't said but I suspect that your DC have clothes at their Dads house and you do seem to be ignoring the expenses that he has whilst they are there.

Just have a dsscussion on future costs eg uni support (will be eg 700 a month to each child not 25 ) etc.
Future house deposits per child ?
You are not together so is only about the dc

usually I’d say just because other single parents have had zero help, don’t accept less and be grateful for less than you’re entitled to.
However there is not a chance in hell I’d rock this boat. Coparenting well is invaluable, to have a co parent who has given you an extra 100 a month without being asked is almost unheard of. I think your friend was trying to wind you up over him spending money with on his girlfriend and that’s not your business, your kids are doing fine.
My advice to you is to look at the friendship here, not your relationship with your ex, something is tingling my spidey sense and I would hazard a guess your friend is jealous and causing shit.

I think you're doing incredibly well and if anything he's being taken for a ride.

I would absolutely leave the status quo alone.

You are actually entitled to FAR more and your “d” h will know that as he will have spoken to a lawyer! You are entitled to spousal support and that means he should have been paying you at least £5,000 a month! Speak to a lawyer as this impacts you long term. You would be able to buy your own house and pay it off with this money!

How does he not provide them with luxury though?? Your kids have amazing lives many children would die for. He pays for an extremely expensive hobby for example, many children have zero hobbies because their parents simply can’t afford it. He buys their clothes and takes them on two holidays a year. I seriously don’t see how he’s neglecting them in any way. He also has them 50% of the time, he isn’t shirking his responsibility like lots of crap dads do.

Your financial position is very healthy so it feels most unreasonable - and unwise - to seek more.
Don't compare your income with his as you'll always come off worse. You have a very nice lifestyle from the sound of it. Think about reducing some of your expenses if you genuinely worry. London dinners and shows are beyond the means of many.
Your kids will grow up and realise that Dad may buy the luxuries but there's more to being a good parent than that.

I agree! Bikes and concert tickets are luxuries.

Yes there will be tax optimisation strategies OP, but these will likely mean that a lot if his assets are tied up in longer term vehicles (inc. invested overseas).

But maybe try to look at this as money for you DC future. I'm sure he'll make provision for them when they need it, if he can.,

Hi OP.. sounds like you have it very organised.

I wasn't being critical about your overdraft itself, they are useful... just felt that it impacts on how much you are able to put into savings and I think (and I've done this myself at times) that they often get forgotten in all the adding up of immediate costs...
And yet they are a cost like any other - just a long term one that we won't see the benefit of for quite a while.

It's your safety net for DC or job emergencies and for when you are older. So although you have made provision, I think in some ways the impact on savings due to trying to give your DC a good life, can be seen to be unequal..ie It won't impact his personal savings perhaps, but it will impact yours much more visibly.

I think someone suggested asking if he could set up some savings for the DC ( as he might have done whilst you were still together) Maybe that could be explored in a future plans kind of way.
But as I said before, its delicate ground to tread, so it would bear research.

You have an amicable coparenting relationship, and your needs are met. I wouldn’t pursue more, because you could very easily end up losing far more than you would potentially gain. He’s in a position where he could, if he were so inclined, find ways to reduce his income to below the amount where he would be liable to pay any maintenance at 50/50 shared care. He could also ask the children to move in with him for the majority of the time. If you want more then you’d be better served by simply asking him, than you would be by pursuing it legally.

Remember that friends can advise poorly, unintentionally or on purpose. You’re in what many would consider to be an enviable position, and there will be those that will resent that and want to ruin it for you. I’m not saying that this applies to your friend, but it is wise to be cautious.