AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

There was also a second one, who also ignored everyone’s advice (including that of the poster whose children now live with their father) who ended up not getting the maintenance they expected either.

At least this OP seems to be listening to advice, not just the people who agree with gunning for more.

I think everyone remembers that. The children ended up living with the father.

I think you're seeing things the wrong way. If your ExDH wants to buy an expensive bike or anything else for that matter then he can because he chooses to parent that way - it's up to him. If you want to parent that way thats up to you - you do this by buying chinese etc.

You don't have to give them the same amount now you are living apart. You each get to choose what you give the kids. What he does in his time is up to him and what you do in your time is up to you. If you choose to spend £500 going to the bally that's your choice and has absolutely nothing to do with him. If you choose to go to costa for a £20 toastie thats nothing to do with him - these are just choices you make on a daily basis and are what make up your life with your kids in your time with them.

Being pragmatic, I'd say don't look a gift horse in the mouth rock the boat, as he could quite easily a) refuse to pay altogether or b) only pay the legal minimum.

That's what important - that you are receiving over and above what he would be legally required to pay. The rest is just white noise.

I wouldn't rock the boat your friend sounds jealous

It doesn't sound as if they're not getting anything they might want, so what would you actually do with any more?

I guess the only thing there might be to discuss is what happens about university finance when you get to that point. It might be worth thinking about ahead of time.

I wish I had known this - 50/50 and maintenance can be requested.

Irrelevant now, as my 2 DC are over 18.

However, I suspect my ex would have then gone down the route of requesting half of the child benefit etc and that would have impacted me qualifying for UC.

He HAS however always paid for kids' phones and when needed he has paid for trips (if I couldn't)

He supports the kids at uni more than I can too.

We have also remained amicable and this would have been in doubt I think if the boat had been rocked !

IMO, being amicable is priceless in terms of the kids' happiness and their ability to have relationships in difficult situations.

I find this thread odd op, you say you think he’s being generous, and it’s your “friend” who thinks otherwise in your op.

but as the thread has gone on and you’ve posted, it is clear it’s you who has the issue, you’re eying up how much he has, how much he spends on himself and his partner, of his own money, and you’re jealous and want more.

I don't think they would because the kids would lose out on all the trips and activities that the OP does on her time to compensate for the dad not doing these things when they are with him.

I don't think that the courts are going to look very sympathetically at you if you are pulling in £50-60k a year and your ex husband is paying maintenance and for lots of extra stuff for his children already.
As an aside what are your costs if you're going into overdraft on an income of £4-5k a month?

So his business soared after you split.

It’s up to him how he spends it.

Are you vulnerable though if this current arrangement all set in legalese, so to speak? He could change his mind and you might not have any recourse.

As for your own income, can you start your own business? Perhaps you could see your own circumstances improve hugely.

Do you think your children are suffering? From what you've said it sounds not.
You made a deal in 2017 when you severed finances and he's upheld his side and even more.
Whoever is telling you you're losing out is wrong. He built the business up to this level without you. If you'd asked for more then you wouldn't have had the deal you've benefitted from and what £20k plus in court fees.
If anything I'd ask him to ring fence money for them in his will. Ask about uni and wedding days etc so you can plan.
But day to day he's providing for them. You got a good deal.

I think you have a pretty good arrangement at the moment and I wouldn’t jeapordise that. The only thing that would be worth suggesting is that he start a savings plan for university fees and living costs, as you clearly don’t have the spare cash to do that with your current monthly budget. I think that would be reasonable.

There are laws about this

Lottery wins can only become shared assets if the winner decides to buy something with the winnings that the other party uses
I.e a car, paying off a mortgage on the marital home.

I know people are saying to make peace with it but there have been posters who have had children move in with their rich father because they have a better lifestyle and money to offer and the mother is left high and dry

Sounds to me you’ve got more than a fair deal there. £500 for a day out in London for show/ballet is a lot of money I’d be expecting a hotel stay if we spent that much. I’d keep quiet if I was you.

Can u ask ex-H to open J-ISAs for both kids? At 13&15, it’ll still be worth it, he may wish to continue to contribute at 18

Although you say there were no assets but then list assets

I don’t get why you didn’t see a solicitor.

I think he is being reasonable it seems like he is paying his share plus all the expenses for hobbies, and he has them 50:50. I think his income is irrelevant, for me it’s are the kids getting everything they need? Not necessarily £500 trips to london and 2 holidays a year - are they loved, cared for and supported, do they have a roof over their heads that each parent can afford, can they have new school uniform, attend parties/ hobbies and have friends round (to both houses). Do they have great relationships with both parents and their families, are their lives consistent. Money is important, of course it is, but having 2 parents who love them and are on okay terms is important too. Unless the children need it, I wouldn’t be asking for more.

I think you both sound really supportive and loving parents.

Make peace with it. I was in a similar position to you and eventually I learnt to accept that our standard of living would always be different. £1000 a month when he does 50/50 is quite generous and as harsh as it seems, he owes you nothing now. It seems like your children have a good life, so don't rock the boat. Divorced parents, even amicable ones, live on rocky ground and if yours is calm, which it seems to be, leave it be. If he wasn't giving you anything or your children were suffering because of it, I would have a different opinion but honestly, the stress and drama that asking for more and the potential fall out from it is not worth it.

That said, I can see why it stings. My ex lived in a lovely house with his partner and her child, lots of holidays and extras whilst I was a single parent living in a crappy terrace and didn't have anything material. 16 years on though, my kids are adults and having recently seen the ex, I can tell you that I am happier, more content with life and settled. He is always chasing the next shiny new thing.

Yeh I’m unfollowing.

I think thr friend is the op.

i wouldn’t ruin a good coparenting relationship over money.