AIBU to consider care for my autistic child to protect us?

I’m so sorry op. You shouldn’t be expected to deal with this any more than a parent with a child with severe physical illness that you can’t manage alone.

I’m not saying this to scare you but because it’s true - there is a possibility that SS, if they do deem it to be unsafe for your younger daughter, may remove her rather than your violent child. It’s cheaper and easier to find foster carers for a child without the challenging behaviours.

They will almost certainly threaten to remove your younger child if you try to surrender your oldest on a section 20.

Sounds like a plot from a bad movie but it’s genuinely true.

I feel for you as this sounds awful and so draining. I think people who are saying place her in residential care/school don’t understand the reality (some of the responses are clearly just pulled from Chatgpt). My work involves supporting children and young people with complex needs. Some of them are extremely dangerous to themselves and others and everyone would benefit from a residential placement but this is almost unheard of. I am working with one family where parents openly talk of feeling suicidal and no longer feeling love for their child who is destroying their lives and the lives of their other children. They have begged for their child to be taken into care while social services are pushing back and doing everything they can to keep the child with their family. They are just expected to carry on.

Do you have any family or friends that can support you to get a regular break? I didn't notice if you mentioned an oh.

My AuDHD child hit a similar stage age 10ish. I think puberty kicking in makes things worse. Dropped out of school due to anxiety. CAMHS etc were useless - wouldn't even see him. I ended up havjng to go to a priavte Psych who was the one who diagnosed the ADHD and prescribed medication for this plus sleep. It was expensive and challenging to afford but absolutely worthwhile.

The detailed reports also helped get a better school and some social services funding for groups.

If there is any way you can afford it going private could be lofe changing.

You sound like an amazing parent and I completely agree with your insight and strategy. I have children with ASD myself and I would be very similar to you in approach.

However it is worth pointing out that each situation is different. One of my closest friends works in a very high needs special school where I am and a handful of children are in 1 2 1 and even 2 2 1 and even higher levels of care (I mean in their home life not in the school) for the reasons the OP is experiencing. Carers having regular breaks, additional support staff at all times and a whole life outside of caring responsibilities means that they can deal with the level of input required much better than a parent who is literally left to languish on their own with no support.

I’m in a country where getting this level of support is incredibly difficult so if it happens here I’m sure there are children in special schools in the UK in the same situation.

Not every situation can be managed just by parents and equally just because parents cannot manage due to the level of need, it does not mean they are not involved.

Which MP did you write to? It has to be yours - the others can't act. Do they have an open office hour or a surgery you could go to.

I’d agree with this there was a poster who asked for help ages ago and the SS suggestion was that the younger child be taken into care for their own protection.

I've two ds with autism
Both out of school for all of secondary years
One very violent.
First thing
No one is coming to rescue us
They are our responsibility,we HAVE to learn how to mange them ,what makes them tick ..no point relying on a course or someone to tell you
Because every autistic person is completely different and what makes one tick ,won't work for another.
I spent years chasing help ..that more often than not hindered when I got it .
Believe it or not ...
YOU are the expert on your child..not CAMHS or school...YOU..
You know already what makes her explode and what keeps her calm .
The less demands as possible in the home ,makes for a happier family.
When my ds was 14 ..it was horrendous,he was nearly sectioned.
I removed every single demand from him ,so his mental health could recover,in peace.
He already had an EHCP ,so I was able to put education on the bank burner temporarily.
Fast forward to today..he has A levels in two sciences and maths .and he is a fully qualified accountant...but he is not able to work,as he is very high needs autistic.
So if you have an EHCP call a meeting to see where you go education wise .
If you have no EHCP you need one .
It's nearly the summer holidays now ,so she's probably exhausted and burnt out
Plus mine always found the changes of term to holiday and vice versa very difficult..so that could be affecting her too

There is a middle ground with this that parents do.

Children who are regularly harming others (especially siblings) do on occasion get removed from their home but they still can have contact with their parents.

I’m not in the UK but getting this type of placement is difficult where I am and I cannot imagine it is easier with you but it still happens and it happens because it is necessary. You need to engage with social services.

I have been where you are. The "magic" words to uae when talking to social care are "crisis" as in, we are in crisis, and "family breakdown" as in that your family unit will break down imminently if you dont get immediate support. This wont fix things immediatey but it will get you help as faat aa possible. We were also advised to phone the police on 999 every time we felt in danger and/or take our chikd to a and e although we would never have been able to get him into a car so that was a bit pointless.

@StrugglingTeenagerthanks for those links and suggestions, I’ll have a look. I’ve been on the PDA support sites, but I haven’t found any advice that helps. Any approach we take seems to backfire. Wording things differently is useful, but ultimately doesn’t solve anything. Going low-demand means nothing gets done (getting out the door, homework etc). But I’ll check out your advice, it’s much appreciated.

I am in this situation and was going to ask if you had contacted children's services to ask for support first (as opposed to removal).

I reached this point yesterday with my 9yo after she followed me around the house repeatedly kicking, pushing and punching me. It culminated in her gaining access to a pair of scissors, which she threw at me, and a dart from an electronic dartboard. I locked myself in my office because I was terrified as much about how I might react myself and lash out at her.

Similar story - engaged with all professionals, multiple interactions with camhs, got a diagnosis in March and have been discharged from services with no further support. She hasn't attended school since December, we're trying to do everything right (ehcp in place, regular engagement with school senco and LA). No idea where to turn, so attempted to contact SS. They replied to say I had to do a referral through the public portal (there isn't one for parents). The first thing you're greeted by is stark wording: are you harming your child or close to doing so? That is my fear, but if I go ahead with it I'm terrified they'll remove her, when it's help and support we need.

I've read and researched and applied all the right strategies and still a tiny mark on her new white crocs sent her into a spiral. The tiniest thing. Try to help her or advise her: aggression. Don't try to help her: aggression. The outcome is the same.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If you've exhausted all options, then absolutely I'd agree that a residential may be the only solution. I'm so sorry it's come to this though, utterly heartbreaking for you.

I assume you've tried to access medication (anti anxiety) and the answer is no? We couldn't even get melatonin for our dd when she wasn't sleeping, which magnified all the difficulties.

I work for a Learning Disability team and work closely with CAMHS, unfortunately they are 9-5 services and in my area very stretched with huge waiting lists and not an emergency service, very sad for people having to wait but hands are tied a lot of the time.

OP, this is not going to answer your question directly, as I think you’re the only one that can and it is a horribly heartbreaking things to have to consider- though I can understand where you’re coming from.
Even if you decide to go down that path it will not be immediate, knowing the state of the services, you need support and solutions now. It is wholly possible you already came across some/most/all of my suggestions, but just in case:
-Newbold hope
-Richard Greene’s: „Explosive child”
-„At peace parents”- facebook acount-can help you see a different perspective, which can help to reframe things and has some practical ideas to try (she’s been posting for years so there’s a lot you can learn without paying for courses)
None of the listed resources will tell you that it’s your fault or to sacrifice yourself further, but they’re likely to talk about how some mainstream recommended approaches are actively harmful and making things worse.
That level of violence would indicate severe burnout. The demand avoidance might be a sign of the level of burn out she is in, rather than the cause. Regardless, the fact that at this stage she’s been in a school setting recently and is regularly leaving not only her room but the house is rather astounding. But on the flip side - it might be what’s making her worse and your life miserable. Autistic kids, and PDA more so, when they hit burnout they just need to be left to recover. No talking unless they start, only safe foods, ideally leave them in their safe space with their special interest- keeping an eye but not intruding. She is in complete survival mode currently - she can come back from it. Look up „no demand”, „low demand” and therapeutic parenting- all have ways that can help. This is not to say that „no demand” is what you stick to forever but it does enable burnout recovery. I hope some of it at least gives you some ideas for how to keep yourself and your other daughter safe(r) and that all 3 of you find a way through that works (regardless of whether it’s together or separately).

I was actually trying to help. The OP didn’t complain. I’ve had useful answers from chat gpt. Do you never Google information?
Don’t tell me not to reply , thanks.

@desperatemum1234are you on PDA support groups? That's made all the difference to us, and lots of people say that what they've learned from the groups has turned their lives around. The PDA Community on Facebook is my favourite. The Newbold Hope FB group is for parents of additional needs with violent & challenging behaviour - lots of us with PDAers there.

https://facebook.com/groups/thepdacommunity/

facebook.com/groups/SENDVCBProjFamilies/

I've RTFT and was about to type exactly what @Weeellokthen has written. You're all amazing. I'm a nurse and a single mum of 2 NT DC. The training us adult registered nurses get for ND/SEN/MH is woefully inadequate, and over the years, I've read up on links posted here by parents of kids with SEN, and read up on the lived experiences of these families, and done the learning that I can to better improve my own practice. The hurdles and obstacles placed in the way of these families who are trying to access help is shameful.

YANBU OP, you sound like you're in complete despair and exhaustion. I hope that your GP can help you, and that the links that people have posted on here can give help/or signpost you to help. xx

I think LAs dont come through because the expect/believe that parents will 'keep going' because you want the best for your child and you wont see her 'abandoned ' they play on your emotions, as in you now believe you are 'giving up on her'.
NO YOU ARE NOT. You recognise that you aren't managing the situation. You have asked for help and noone is getting back to you. You want the best for your DD and recognise you need support.
I would.phone back and ask why you haven't been contacted, they are failing in their role.
Record all times you've contacted them and their responses. Im glad you've met a couple of decent staff.

You have my admiration and sympathy, living with thia aggression is hard and trying to protect both your DDs will be exhausting and traumatic and doing it on your own! You are amazing.
There are 2 of us and its bloody hard. We foster, we asked for respite received 1 night in the 4yrs we asked for it, put off/ignored/no money. Eventually fell through (not just out choice) and we were asked what they could have done to support the family and we said respite, giving us and siblings a chance to breathe and recharge. It was now costing them MANY 1000s more and causing extra trauma for the child and their siblings.

I hope things do turn round for you and your family x 💐💗

Residentisl school is the very last option not least becsuse ut costs an eye watering amount of money
It also has to be agreed by everyone thst its in the Ops daughter best interests
Even if this is agreed the process can still take a long time as they need to find a school that agree they can meet the Ops dsughters needs
Its really not as simple as just having a looking and deciding you like one.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this OP. I don’t have any advice but PP have given excellent advice. Just wanted to send support - my DD14 is destructive, explodes at the drop of a hat, destroys the house, smashes everything in sight, doesn’t care who gets hurt, says the most horrible things she can think of to hurt us. We don’t have any other children, which alleviates concern over another child’s safety. We’ve been desperate for help for years, none has been forthcoming. Seeking diagnosis but that too has been a battle. Suspect ADHD, autism, PDA. Our life is a daily living hell. We have contacted gp, school etc. Just dont know what to do and feel so alone. We are basically losing our minds. Good luck OP.

Omg, all you women are amazing. I"m sitting here in tears reading these.
I have no advice to offer op but just wanted to send a massive hug and handhold to all who are going through similar.
Love and respect x

Its far from that simple as you should well know.

I voted yabu by mistake. I absolutely would make arrangements for her to go into care. For her own good as well as yours. Maybd she can learn to cope without lashing out as much if she gets professional help which she isn't getting now.

My friends child got a term time residential placement with option for holidays if the family couldn’t cope, they have managed well with term time - but their dc was non verbal, very delayed in other areas with sec being only one of many conditions