Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

For ‘months of arguments’ l’m reading ‘months of him working on you to wear you down so he gets his way’.

He’s not ‘burned out’, he’s just a lazy cocklodger. His business isn’t working any more and you are the goose that lays the golden eggs. Read back what you’ve posted here, give your head a wobble and ditch him before you find yourself penniless and stranded.

I think if he was saying divide the bills so he pays less while he’s out of work, that’s one thing. When I ran out of fully paid maternity leave that’s what my husband and I did- I’d saved some money which paid for food shops, my phone bill and nappies/formula etc but husband paid for everything else. I think that’s fairly normal.

But it sounds like mr burnt out by travel wants half OP’s wages in cold hard cash or bank transfer, even though he’s got plenty of money saved himself already, isn’t doing most
of the childcare (in fact maybe one misread but his contribution seems minimal there too) and isn’t contributing much else in general. That’s a problem whether the sexes are reversed or not imo.

Have you double-checked that your work is okay if you are actually based in a different country? My work is fully-remote, but we are not allowed to be based in another country, because then the employer would have to abide by that country's employment regulations (eg maternity entitlements).

Please don’t move and please don’t ever marry this man.

So: he practically doesn’t work. He doesn’t share housework or childcare. He demands you move to his country. He wants you to pay him half of your income.

OP, don’t be blind!! What on earth are you doing considering his demands as if they’re reasonable?

Couldviy be that you have very low self-esteem, OP? Because otherwise I can’t understand how you don’t see things like the rest of us (200 and counting) do.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? In the same circumstances a woman would be expected to do all the housework, cooking childcare etc, and would not be expected to ring fence very large amounts of savings while refusing to meet her partner halfway as regards where to live etc.

You were expected to live off your savings during Mat leave. He wasn’t going to share half his savings with you. Tell him you cannot share your income, as you need to build up the equivalent of the £££ he has saved…
and possibly rethink this relationship… you have in essence two babies now that need looking after…

No. He has lots of savings. Save your money and put as much as you can spare into pension/investments for you and DC in future. It might be different if you were married, but currently he could walk out, keep all HIS savings and still have benefited from you supporting him, and you wouldn't have a hope of getting any of it back. Plan ahead for a single life financially. If you stay together, you will both benefit from the investments anyhow.

This.

OP - read this carefully and take it on board

Burnout from travelling ... while you support yourself, your pregnancy carrying his child, burn thru your own savings, moved to his preferred location near his family and now he wants your income, too?

Run

Embrace life as a single mum. Move to the place where that will work best for you.
Cut him loose.
He was managing fine before he leeched onto you. Do not get involved in supporting him at all. That's very important. He will sort himself out once it's his only option. You need to provide for your DD. Not him.

He’s taking the absolute piss!!

Imagine someone coming on here and saying they don’t want to work but they also don’t want to be a SAHM either, they just want to sit at home with no kids or work to do and still receive half of the money.

I couldn’t imagine watching my DP working FT and me not even trying to look for work.

I do not care how much someone earns or if they’re currently unemployed but there is something so deeply unattractive about someone who is lazy, has no work ethic and no aspirations.

How would you feel if you saw this man on a dating site?
Most of us would run a mile.

Well i dont see how this is mansplaiing and also reverse it how many women expect this when a man earns and they chose not too?

Then it is called 'family money'

He is being very manipulative. He’s playing you, knowing you worry that you’re being “stingy” or mean or whatever. This is just the start, these things can be a slow burner. You need to look for yourself and your daughter. When I was with my highly manipulative ex for years, I thought I could “save” him and be a good mother to our children. Turns out you can’t be both the saviour of these selfish, horrible men, and take good care of your children because men like this only care about themselves. They’re very single minded. That’s not to say I think you’re a bad mum, you’re not, but I do think your daughter will suffer in the future if daddy dearest gets his way. And please don’t move to his home country or probably anywhere else abroad incase you end up trapped there.

Do NOT move to his country.
What happens if you separate, and he wants to keep the child? He might, as he’ll have the support of his family.

You won’t be able to take her even on holidays, on your own, without his permission.
I am sorry for saying this, but you’re mad even thinking about moving, and ‘caving in after months of pressure’.

Why is he even so keen? I don’t trust his reasons for finding a job only if you move there. I don’t trust his motives.
Too many stories of gullible women moving to partner’s country of origin, who consequently aren’t able to separate - when things go wrong - as they’d lose their children.

Your first instinct as a mother is to protect your baby, even from her father, if needs be.
Going to live in his country, being near/close his family and extended family, and risking not ever be able to bring her back with you - would be my worst nightmare.
Stupid , stupid decision.

Don’t move to his country , stay where you are.
Don’t give him any money.

How convincing he is now, that you’re even considering that. Imagine when he’s surrounded by his own family .. and it’s you versus them all.
Please use your brain , and your mothering instinct.

Do not move to his country!! So he wants half your wage but wouldn’t support you through maternity leave? No chance!

Yes, give him half your salary if he gives you half his savings. Make it fair, no?

Whatever you do, do not move to his country, I’m saying this as someone who did it, had a child, and got trapped. It’s coming up to 30 years now, I made my peace, made the best of it for my child, but it was awful, traumatic, soul breaking. Learn from my mistakes, don’t do it.

I hope this is fake. He does nothing. You do everything. He makes a few quid. You bring home the bacon. He wants you to reward him for being a lazy leech. Wtf?

Not read whole thread, but he sounds like a free loading fuck

Do not move to another country and become resident. Your relationship isn’t stable enough and you could end up not being able to move home with your child. Start planning where your life would be most beneficial as a single parent. He sounds like a sponger.

I find it weird he wants you to give him half of your income but I also find it weird you’ve had his child and your money isn’t in a shared pot. Saying that he sounds manipulative and lazy

I absolutely would not want him being a FT parent as that could leave OP in a situation where he can legitimately request to be the main resident parent, with OP having to pay him CM.

He needs to be binned asap and I would be distancing myself in every way possible.

Good grief is that true about your FIL too? Why an earth would you put your DD through this? And even if it’s a hague convention country his family sound like a nightmare and he’s downright manipulative. Do you really want a situation where if you split up they’ll take you to court to stop you bringing your DD back because she’s settled there/ speaks the language and he (or his mum) is the main caregiver because you’re still having to earn all the money?

Wise up OP.

In your situation I’d send him home and tell him you and DD will join him once he’s got a decent job and a place to live. Which I suspect will be never.

Since we met, he has still barely earned

So burn out for 4 years? What steps is he taking to recover? How old is he?

As a responsible mum your job is to ensure her security so pay your bills, pay into savings and definitely a pension before considering giving him "spending money".

He’s not burnt out! He’s a lazy sponger!

It’s you who’s had a baby, been working to earn money and doing the lion’s share of childcare by the sounds of it.

Honestly tell him that splitting your salary is not happening and he needs to make a plan to start bringing money in and use his savings in the meantime. Do NOT agree to him being a SAHD because I can guarantee he’ll be shit, and this will justify him asking for more money from you indefinitely.

Honestly I also wouldn’t move to his home country either, go and live near your own family for some support. He still wouldn’t be travelling and at least you’ll get some help.

First things first, stop doing the pointless travelling around, then he cant use the travel burnout excuse. Pick one location and stick with it. Dont give him half your earnings. Hard no. He needs to do the full time parent thing or get a job. If he does neither, time to split.