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Original poster

Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

370 replies

mcrlover · 16/07/2026 21:43

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 17/07/2026 21:58

Giving him half without even subtracting expenses is ridiculous! And he has savings.

Ejvd · 17/07/2026 21:40

Why should he have 10s of Ks of savings and not you? No, in this situation, he can spend his savings while you accrue yours. Maybe when your savings match, you can consider pooling your incomes.

grumpygrape · 17/07/2026 21:29

mcrlover · 17/07/2026 20:30

Thanks once again everyone for waking me up to this. I think since I hadn't spoken to anyone about this so plainly, the goalposts shifted so gradually over a long time and I didn't really see until now. Like a frog in slowly boiling water!

I'm gonna tell him tomorrow that no we aren't splitting my income, no DD and I won't move to his home country, but if he thinks moving there is what he needs to recover from the burnout then he should move there alone and come visit DD and I periodically. I'm going to try to keep it civil but be firm.

Today I told him if his burnout is so bad then he needs to get therapy, and he did make the call while I was there, but I'm not going to hold my breath regarding whether he actually does it.

In the meantime, if he does go back to his home country, I'll move back to my UK hometown with DD. Thank God I have a very supportive family who are more than willing to support looking after her. If he decides to join us in the UK then will need to be very clear that he'll need to either stick it out with therapy and/or get a job that pays his way, or the relationship won't last.

I must have low self-esteem to have reached to this point, therapy for myself too is actually a great idea, thank you so much everyone

Well done, sometimes half-boiled frogs can jump out of the pan. 🤗

ScribblingPixie · 17/07/2026 21:16

Phew, back from the brink!

Cetim · 17/07/2026 20:49

Half your salary when you do the chores, meal preps etc. Yes if he was a full time sahd who did everything to run the home and I mean everything. Then yes it would make sense you pay all bills and food etc. And possibly give him something of a stipend. But half when he doesn't sound like he does much is an absolute joke

RisingSunn · 17/07/2026 20:37

OP I'm so pleased to read that you are seeing things for what they are.

Original poster
mcrlover · 17/07/2026 20:30

Thanks once again everyone for waking me up to this. I think since I hadn't spoken to anyone about this so plainly, the goalposts shifted so gradually over a long time and I didn't really see until now. Like a frog in slowly boiling water!

I'm gonna tell him tomorrow that no we aren't splitting my income, no DD and I won't move to his home country, but if he thinks moving there is what he needs to recover from the burnout then he should move there alone and come visit DD and I periodically. I'm going to try to keep it civil but be firm.

Today I told him if his burnout is so bad then he needs to get therapy, and he did make the call while I was there, but I'm not going to hold my breath regarding whether he actually does it.

In the meantime, if he does go back to his home country, I'll move back to my UK hometown with DD. Thank God I have a very supportive family who are more than willing to support looking after her. If he decides to join us in the UK then will need to be very clear that he'll need to either stick it out with therapy and/or get a job that pays his way, or the relationship won't last.

I must have low self-esteem to have reached to this point, therapy for myself too is actually a great idea, thank you so much everyone

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 17/07/2026 19:54

Why are you having a baby with this man

PhotoFirePoet · 17/07/2026 19:54

Loulou4022 · 16/07/2026 22:00

What
the
absolute
fuck!!!!
He’s doing no housework/ childcare or working/ earning a wage! and he expects you to give him half of your wages while you’re working full time and carrying the load at home! Have I got that right??
He can fucking jog on and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out!!

This!!

Vanillaicelatte · 17/07/2026 19:39

do you have low self esteem
do you think that you couldn’t get any better than this freeloading controlling dickhead

Whatinthedoopla · 17/07/2026 19:35

50/50 isn't just about money, it's about what we contribute to the household.

If he isn't working, and not contributing towards the house admin, chores, baby caring, working, the. He doesn't get the benefits, which is your half of your money.

He gets to stay at home not having a job and not doing much, while you are doing a lot! I can imagine it's great of course to have him around, but you are also not married, he can leave you and leave with your salary, his savings, and nothing to give back to you.

I just don't think he should have half if he isn't contributing at least half in the household a s you are aren't married.

ScribblingPixie · 17/07/2026 19:32

OMG, what? No, of course you shouldn't give him half of your income. You would also be crazy to move to his home country. This is all going the wrong way, OP, and you need to stay in control of your life.

N27 · 17/07/2026 19:31

Absolutely not. You either go all in and share everything or you keep finance seperate. He doesn’t get to keep his and spend yours

Bubbles90 · 17/07/2026 19:09

Luckily you are not married. He has a child with you yet doesn't feel the need to provide and instead not only continues to live off you wants half of your income. I don't think so. Personally I would end the relationship. I would move near your family so that you have extra support. He is already doing thd bare minimum, there is no way he will step up to be a SAHD. You show your intent through actions, he's already shown you his intent.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 17/07/2026 18:50

Do not let this man manipulate you in to supporting HIS LAZINESS.
He’s extremely cheeky and piss taking to even suggest halving your income.

Only contribute according to what you (both) earn. Make him use his fucking savings as you had to use yours.

Don’t let him take the piss out of your kind nature.

I’d say protect yourself and LTB

MMUmum · 17/07/2026 18:48

mcrlover · 16/07/2026 21:52

My gut is saying IANBU but I think I have such a complex about stinginess that I'm doubting myself, especially given how certain he is that splitting the income is the fair thing to do and he's saying I'm being unsympathetic to his burnout, not understanding his point of view, etc

He has a child, he can't afford to indulge in ' burnout' ( not devaluing anyone genuinely suffering btw, I know it exists) he needs to step up and get a job. He's entitled to half your salary to sit at home doing SFA? Like hell he is, time to have the harsh words with him op

littlemisspigg · 17/07/2026 18:22

mcrlover · 16/07/2026 21:43

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

Sorry OP I must have completely missed this bit- what value does he add to your life exactly?

Jorge14 · 17/07/2026 18:12

He sounds like a sponger to me

chickenwings2 · 17/07/2026 14:37

Omg no please don’t give him any money!!!! You should be receiving from him this is shocking

Rhaidimiddim · 17/07/2026 13:31

Don't move to his country without first researching what would happen if you didn't like it there, nothing improved in his attitude, and wanted to move back. You might find yourself unable to move back with your child, and stuck in his country.

Personally, he sounds like a dead weight round your neck. If a dead weight can ever also be a sponge.

StarCourt · 17/07/2026 13:17

Tell him to split his savings with you

Morecoffeewanted · 17/07/2026 12:07

Maybe an idea to look a little further into what he did before you met?

Because you have been moving around it's easier for someone to hide his past.

Maybe he has a history of burn out.

Have you met his family and his friends?

Seen proof that he was operating a legitimate business. Companies house has his accounts? Does he come from a country that women are treated fairly.
Previous partners.

One of my friends hired someone to look into a potential husbands past when his hair piece 'fell off' one day. He was from another country and told her he just 'hated his hair being touched'. Flash lifestyle. It was more than his hair that was fake.

Goodadvice1980 · 17/07/2026 12:02

Congratulations 🥂 OP, you got pregnant by a cocklodger.

YANBU, don’t give him the money 💰 if you split will he claim he’s the primary care giver?

DillyDillie · 17/07/2026 11:50

Cleaning, and simple chores would be excellent therapy for someone with burnout (whatever that is). Shopping and taking the baby for walks would get him used to conversation and meeting people.
As you describe though he is lazy and a scrounger.
If you go to his home country you will be a nobody with no standing and subject to the rules of his family.
Here you have security.

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 17/07/2026 11:11

@mcrlover - sorry to say that the fact you had to come here to ask this, shows how much you need to get out of this mindset. You appear to do everything, and a lazy bum of a partner not only does fuck all, but wants half your money? And you're not even married? What the actual fuck.

This man needs a wake up call, a major one. Mental health issues aside - the bills still need paying, the cleaning still needs doing, life does not get to be put on hold.