AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

Not the evening only invite 🤦‍♀️

I know MN is divided on them, but I think that’s quite insulting for family. I think it should be for colleagues or neighbours or parents’ friends (providing no travel involved!)

Why is anyone talking about invitations 1 year in advance ? It’s way yo early. 6 months ahead is just fine. Let the dust settle and cut down on family. Who needs people who don’t respect you? Cut them out and do not talk about invitations until just after Christmas other than save the date and remove her from that!

Op, surely for whatever reason you are excluded from the hen do and wedding will mean they'll decline the invite to yours anyway so just take control and don't invite them. Have some dignity.

This isn't about whatever vision you had for the your day it's basic social etiquette, they are being incredibly unkind to exclude only you, so return the gesture.

I feel sad for you too @worryingday you've been through a lot.

Your wedding is for you. You want your cousin there as she has supported you at difficult times when your father died and she and her family are a link to him. You should absolutely continue with them as guests.

Continue and plan your wedding in a way that works for you and focus on your wedding and your joy.

If you get an opportunity you could mention to her or another family member (depending how brave you are feeling) that you are sad not to be included.

good luck x

Just to clarify I mean it’s horrible what they did to you.

Send out your own invitations.
Ask your cousin and of course all others you want there.

Talk in person with your cousin. Tell them that you and your mother would love to see them in their bridal finery as they go into the church to marry. Ask if they would mind you viewing them at the church gate and say that you understand that you are not invited.

Send them a card and offer Best Wishes on the day. Also send her a couple of photos.

If your cousin is confused and wished to invite you, she might ask you to view the ceremony with everyone else.

This is good advice. And book a weekend away for their wedding date. Then you can tell folk you’re away for a pre wedding spa or another honeymoon

They probably won’t turn up…

This is so hurtful and will feel so raw, but I wonder if a little space will protect how you feel around the prep for your wedding and your ongoing relationships with your family.

The wedding is next summer. I’d full pause all wedding chat with this side of the family, attend usual birthdays, occasions etc to take the space around the wedding events. You can always change your guest list later as suits you, but to do now would seem retaliatory and you’ve currently got the higher ground. Give yourself and your dp space away from the drama and don’t let this be a main part of your wedding run up.

At least speak to your mum. If you're such good friends as cousins, just speak to her. Explain you're aren't falling out, you're just wondering if you're invited...

This is a bit shit especially as they are invited to yours.. tbh do what you feel about your own wedding re whether you want to invite them but please share your hurt with the next people who mention it to you esp how you’re worried your mum and you will be excluded after your dad passed. Then people will be mindful for this not to happen… The only thing I’ll say is that your cousin perhaps won’t turn up to yours… even if they accept. Out of embarrassment so you may want to rethink that invite..

@Viviennemary This is all just talk. No invitations have been issued. So next spring, they should send out invitations and reduce family numbers.

@worryingday We invited all family, but I didn’t get a reciprocal invite to my cousins marriage. Quite honestly I didn’t care that much. Saved me the cost of the wedding and a hotel. Send out your invitations after her and cut them out, I’d reduce numbers and my dm would not ask why I was cut out. She went but didn’t see why I should go! We aren’t inviting cousins or aunts when my DD gets married later this year. There’s 180 friends coming instead! His side have 10 relatives coming so we are having people my dd and future husband actually like!! Stuff people who are difficult, disinterested and don’t care for us.

I feel very sad for you OP. Is there any way that you could talk to a different family member about the situation? Not to try and get an invite, but to explain how hurtful it all is, and maybe get another view on it? Maybe your cousin doesn't realise how you feel?

I'd wouldnt normally uninvite people. But I would in this case. But I wouldnt give thd real reason. Say you have to cut numbers. Such a shame. And if they realise theyre the only ones excluded. tough. No way would I invite them if I was excluded from theirs and the rest of the family was coming.

This is a very good point. I know you have a vision of your wedding but surely that changed anyway with the very sad loss of your dad. I think it would be entirely reasonable to tell the cousin that it feels awkward that you aren’t invited to their wedding and so you feel they perhaps they feel equally awkward that they are invited to yours. The situation is also making things difficult for other family members.

Tell them you’re happy to release them from their obligation to attend your wedding with no hard feelings.

Then pick a dear friend to take their place.

They can invite who they like, but there's a price to be paid, whatever choice you make. You just have to be willing to pay it.

My SIL did it to some family without warning, and the backlash was huge. 15 years in and the rifts never healed - it splintered DH's close family. (I thought it karma, tbh, because she tried to ruin my wedding and had another go after our honeymoon by suing the bridesmaid dressmaker because she decided she didn't like the dress after the wedding, even though she approved it. She didn't even pay for the dress, nor was it expensive).

My cousin's child is currently causing bad blood because she left some local family off her 21st list, including me. She's now doing it again with her wedding and a lot of family/friends have moaned to me about it. I'm glad I'm not invited because the expectations on guests are OTT.

I would be the bigger person and not change my plans to invite them, regardless of their intentions to me.

It will make them look ridiculous and petty anyway.

Op, as you’ve not been invited do you really want them at your wedding? You’ll be thinking about the rejection every time you lay eyes on them and that’s not the vibe you need for your day - out of sight out of mind. For your own peace, I think it’s vital you uninvited them.

Your wedding is first, so everyone will have a great time (cousins excluded, if you’re not good enough for them they’re not good enough for you), and your cousin will see what it feels like to be excluded from something everyone else is atttending - as they obvs don’t see an issue in hurting you this way, and inviting them just reinforces that they haven’t done anything wrong.

with kindness, you really don’t want to have to see those fakers on your special day. And you don’t want them talking about their wedding - that you’re not invited to - on your day. They will take the shine off you with no second thought, you don’t need that. It’s going to be an emotional day as it is with your father absent, you need to be able to be vulnerable around people who you wholeheartedly trust, who love you and most importantly respect you

So you haven’t invited some of your actual friends to your wedding because you have to invite family members that don’t care about you? Why??

You can invite your cousin but not her fiancé.

@flymo2014pregnant

I think this is really weird too and I’d be inclined to ask them in truth. I’d say something like: I understand you had to lower numbers and couldn’t invite everyone, however I feel as though I’m the only relation not invited. I just wondered whether I’ve done anything wrong to cause this? I can’t think of anything but it’s made me concerned I’ve done something without realising.

There's always one who blames the injured party, isn't there? 🙄 OP is not a doormat, nor is she "pathetically weak".

You might think you are superior because of what you think you couldn't do, but you are very much mistaken.

Your post is deliberately spiteful and unhelpful unhelpful and and adds nothing useful to this conversation.

i suggest you post this on your own thread?