AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

It sounds like the invitations aren’t out yet. I’d ignore it, wait until I sent out my invitations, then only send one to the cousin, with no plus one. The fiancé isn’t family yet and isn’t behaving like family.

That's so awful. I don't live near my late husband's family either. In fact many of them live on the other side of the world. But they did the opposite and continued and strengthened their connection with us. After all, we were their only link to their much-loved brother/cousin/nephew.

I went to stay with his Australian cousins last year, and have just hosted one of them on their visit here. Even my small grandchildren video call their family in Australia and are loved by them.

I also know that in my DH's aunt's will, I'm treated the same as my SIL and how she would have treated him.

I'm sorry that your mum and family were so cruel.

I’m sorry op that sounds humiliating and disappointing. It’s on her, she’ll look like a bitch and you’ll be the bigger person

Personally I would reply thanks for the invitation but I’m afraid I would feel too humiliated to come to the evening do when everyone would know Mum and I, unlike everyone else in the family, were considered unworthy of making the cut for the main event. I can’t help thinking about Dad and wondering what he would have thought and whether things would have been different if he was still with us.

I would make sure the reply was seen/heard by your cousin, not just his bride to be. I wouldn’t withdraw the invitation to your own wedding.

I know this is passive aggressive and some will disapprove, but I wouldn't care! I guess it depends how much you want to be on good terms with them.

IME with the update about your dad things will only get worse between you, they’re excluding you because as far as they’re concerned you’re no longer related with him gone. I think if it was a one off lapse of judgement and didn’t involve your mum not being invited I could understand you still inviting them but how will you feel if this keeps happening going forward and you’re not invited to the next event they throw? Or another family member buys into their thinking and follows suit? It’s hard to change the vision for your wedding but you have to protect the future versions of you and your mum from further upset and I fear this will be something you regret if she’s forever in your wedding photos or makes some kind of scene and your relationship deteriorates further going forward.

Why on earth would you give them a shout at during the speech?
this is terrible advice - the cousin isn’t a main character in OP’s wedding, so does not deserve any air time and certainly doesn’t deserve this much headspace

Also, having her there just to complete the “vision of your wedding” when she has behaved so badly and hurt you so much - are you sure that’s a good idea? You want to be able to enjoy your wedding day, and seeing her will just remind you. The relationship is broken now.

They’ve said you can go to the evening do? I’d tell them to shove it up their arse!
Family should be at the actual wedding and work and uni friends should be at the evening do in my opinion. Marriage is supposed to be about two people and their families coming together. Well, it used to be.

There is something off about this post. Why was the OP getting updates on if she was invited and eveving do etc at 1am?

This I LOVE.

turn up at the gate like a shut out puppy? really?

There is no way I could go along with this and not just ask the question, and no way could I have her at my wedding knowing I’m not important enough to be invited to hers.

Is your wedding a lot more “upmarket” than hers? Expensive, nicer venue etc? In which case I imagine she might be thinking you’ll look down your nose at hers (not saying this is reasonable at all, just trying to think what her reasoning might be)

I would tell them (as they ask) that you haven’t been invited. I wouldn’t make a big thing about it but I wouldn’t let them off the hook about this.

How horrible.

Let it lie and when you're doing the speeches add in "Of course I'd like to wish "cousin and future wife" all the best for their upcoming wedding, we won't be there to see it, but have a wonderful day."

I had a close friend who id been friends with for over 25 years , she was getting married 2nd time around she prioritised his friends over me and expected me to go to a wedding alone ( not great at social events, her knowing this hurt even more ) my partner of 4 yrs wasnt invited i understand her reasoning but I knew no one... I would have happily gone with a friend of hers she wouldnt provide the friends number just expected me to turn up at the church alone...I made my excuses (genuine reason not to offend) and didn't go..
The reason for saying this is because I thought about the 25 yrs of close friendship realised it wasnt as close as I thought and made my exit ..if id gone it would have eat me up..I didnt lose a friend I lost someone who didn't really understand or care about me...she didnt reach out after the wedding after me sending a gift .
Take time to think about the hurt that has been caused and make your decision on that alone ..sometimes the friends that we value dont value us back..I've learned over time to let them go ..
Personally id let your cousin go.

Personally I wouldn't go. I agree with a PP who said that still having them at your wedding was based on an illusion of what your thought the relationship was, rather than what it is.

So sorry, I appreciate how hurtful this is. FWIW, I stepped back from a long-standing friendship (30+ years) when I realised that I hadn't been invited to their son's wedding but other friends had, despite me giving tons of support during her husband's illness and listening patiently over the years to some very disturbing details about her marriage and trying to help her. It stung a lot.

If invitations havent been sent yet just don't invite them. How do you know you're not invited to theirs. But if it was clear I wasn't invited to theirs I absolutely would not invite them to mine. (Unless they were eloping or just having a tiny wedding with a few guests) and I certainly would not ask them why I wasnt invited. But I might fish for an answer from other family members.

Sounds like you’ve made your decision and I understand your reasoning. What I would say though is going forward, I would distance yourself from this cousin and not allow her to play ‘hierarchy’ games with you.
You are worth more than this. Go and live a good life and f**k her and her hierarchy.

A similar thing has happened with my Aunt and cousins after her husband, my Nan's son, died. They even got disinherited and faded out of the family. The difference here though is that they don't live locally to anyone and had been quite emotionally distanced over the years. It still wasn't right but my Mum and her siblings felt the connection was gone once their brother had died. Really horrible.

I think you need to protect yourself. You need to work out if it is going to make your day feel better or worse having them there. If you don't want them there now, you need to be brave and explain to them why. Explain that it is incredibly painful to have lost your DF and now to realise that you are seen as lesser family without him around - at a time that you need them more than ever. Your feelings are valid and don't be afraid to express them - they need to know how they are making you feel as this is about more than the weddings.

Work friends mean way more than family if you never see family and they show no interest in you! Who needs them ? Friends might be far nicer and more fun than spiteful family.

I would decline the evening invitation and I wouldn't invite her to my wedding. She has prioritised work friends over family? Selfish and unkind.

Uninvite her.

She isn’t embarrassed about upsetting you so don’t worry about pissing her off. It’s disgusting what she’s doing. You’ll just end up feeling cross and resentful on your special day if she’s there.

I think I disagree with most people here. OP needs her family. She's lost her dad, and that's why she wants a family-based wedding.

If she plays tit-for-tat and doesn't invite this cousin, that's pretty high risk for her relationships with the rest of the family, and would probably ruin the atmosphere of the family occasion that she wants her wedding to be.

There's really no easy answer. But she either has the wedding she's imagined, or her wedding becomes all about punishing someone.

Personally @worryingday I'd have my say in person (don't use messaging). I'd tell the cousin that I'm very hurt to be the only person left out, and how upset my father would be to know that with his death I'd been demoted in the family. And if your mum is definitely not invited, I'd be even more forceful in my conversation with the cousin. Your mum has been widowed and your cousin has chosen to kick her in the teeth.

OP, you sound like a lovely kind person.
Some posters have been a bit harsh on you.
I think you should carry on keeping the higher ground and not change your invitation list for your wedding. If you remove them
from your guest list then it’ll probably mean there will always be a rift. Better for you that you carry on being the nice one, and let them always feel guilty for what they have done!
If any other family members ask why you’re not going, then be honest - “I’m not invited, and I’m really disappointed about that!”.
Try to not think about it too much for now
though. Focus on all the nice members of your family.
You mentioned that your cousins fiancée is being a bit bridezilla. Maybe she’s being a bit coercive in this situation towards your cousin?

100% not inviting you as you set your wedding date for close to theirs. Their own fault for not telling you theirs even if you aren't invited.
Some people get funny if another family member has a wedding in the same year as them let alone a few weeks different.