AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

because of the "we won't be there"

There is no way they would be coming to my wedding - it’s likely to ruin and mar your day.

Your whole family will see you as a doormat, and will follow her example.

Just change the invite to mirror the one you have - on the grounds that otherwise it will make things very awkward all round. Match the energy. You’re not the ‘bigger’ person - you end looking weak and desperate.

If I can put my theory out might be a financial thing. Only so many can go. Also you say you were invited to their engagement party. Is this the reason? Did you get them a nice gift? Some bride to be's expect expensive items so did yours match up to her expectations? If not, that could be why. I'm sorry to put it like that, but big showy gifts mean something to some people unfortunately. Either way, I hope you yourself have a lovely wedding.

OP you are not wrong for being upset. Please have respect for yourself and fuck then off the invite list.. I had the same happen to me but with a friend. She went on about how she wanted some other friends at her wedding but I didn't get an invite.. then fell out with me when the I reciprocated with no invite for her. Mind blowing really.

I’m really sorry for you that your cousins have behaved in this way. It’s very shaking when you think a relationship is one thing, then someone lets you know it’s not. They are behaving really badly, so thoughtless and unkind. I’m not sure I could get through the next few months without saying something, your cousin needs to know how hurtful she’s been.

OP, I've read your updates now. This is one thousand percent to do with your weddings being a month apart. The exact same thing happened to me. We had got engaged first, and had not set a date, but then it ended up having to be a month before hers. He was in the Army and got deployed at fairly short notice. You do NOT want to go off to a war zone without being married. So we had to arrange it at quite short notice, and one month before was the only date available for both church and hotel in that area. I got the impression she really thought that we should have put it off until after his long deployment, and that if he got killed, sacrificing all the widow's benefits would have been totally worth her having the only family wedding that summer! 🤣

I do not agree with PP that a month is close. Close would be 7-10 days. And weddings are about celebrating your love. They're not meant to be about competition.

I asked her to be my bridesmaid, and she said yes, but was then so shitty about things that I fired her. And obviously I she didn't ask me to be hers. The whole thing was SUCH a shame, because we're the same age and over the years had been like sisters. We were even at uni together.

And she was never the same to me again. Over the following years, she played up so much until I finally snapped and now we are totally estranged. Haven't spoken for a decade, and I'm glad. Someone who can behave like that, you don't want them in your life.

And your dad just died last year, and she's still excluding you??? What a horrible, horrible woman! I'm SO sorry, OP. Weddings really show what people are made of.

I think if you disinvite your cousin, it will only cause a big family rift. And you want her there, anyway. I hope she can get over it - my cousin couldn't. I never realised how selfish and spoiled she was. She had two big brothers and they tried for a third because they wanted a girl. When she finally came along, she was treated like a princess her whole life.

This wedding strife is really, really awful, but sadly it's very common. I wish people would be more careful not to fall out over weddings, because in my experience it's something that tends to have permanent effects. Maybe it's because weddings are occasions with such significance. Perhaps your cousin will live to regret it.

Even the very people that have excluded you?
Why would you do that to yourself?

No, I don’t speak like that. I was thinking of what I would write.

My goal? To make them feel guilty about their behaviour. I would want them to know I felt affronted. Why should OP pretend that she "can’t make it"?

Exactly. If this was my family, somebody would’ve asked for clarification long ago! Do the other family members not speak to each other?

If you have been completely excluded from the hen do and the wedding itself. Then i wouldn't invite them to your wedding, just go quiet like they have and don't send the invite, end of story. It's obviously bothering you and putting a cloud over your own wedding prep, which you should be enjoying. You wouldn't be posting on here if it wasn't upsetting you. It's time to see your wedding as the start of something new, people that exclude you now can be excluded from your life. There's no point trying to hang on in there with family members who cause you this much upset. They've been cowards! Leave them to it, be polite and cordial when you see them at family events or if you run into her in the future. But you're still grieving your dad, so you may as well grieve the end of the close relationship you thought you had with his family. Xx im sorry for your loss, but have a fantastic wedding and enjoy your new start xx

Can I ask - do you actually speak to people like this? I’ve never heard anyone talk like this in real life, ever.

Surely if you don’t want to attend or feel affronted you just rsvp ‘sorry can’t make it’? You don’t throw your dignity down the toilet like this.

And what is your end goal? You surely don’t actually want to attend if this is how you feel. What would be the ideal response to this?

If you’re that close then you should ask them? I wouldn’t outwardly say ‘why am I not invited?’ But I’d say ‘have you given invitiations out yet as we haven’t received ours?’

This is fab!

If they are prioritising work friends over you that must really hurt, I really feel for you.

Are you close enough to your cousin to just simply tell her that you are feeling hurt by being excluded, especially given your dad's death and how vulnerable that makes you feel?

Would she fuck be coming to my wedding

Only if the wedding also involves a near-jilting, one of the bridesmaids shagging the groom and a stand-up fight during the cake-cutting involving the bride screaming ‘You can ‘ave him, Samanfa! ‘E ain’t wurf it!’

A month apart? My cousin was SO pissed off when my wedding was a month before hers - even though we got engaged first - that she basically never spoke to me again!

I wonder if this could be included in a future episode of Eastenders !

This is awful behaviour on the part of the cousin and her fiancé, I can’t imagine doing this to a grieving family member, if anything, you should be top of the list.

I would decline the evening invite and whilst not disinviting them say you would understand if they choose not to attend your wedding due to the obvious imbalance in who they consider family, evidently in how they have excluded you and your Mum.

But do you really want to see them anymore after how they have treated you? I wouldn’t want to be there to celebrate them. What does your fiance say about this?

Yep, sickening though it is, this is the time to take the high road. You inviting them as planned will throw their behaviour into contrast, and demonstrate just how callous they've been.

Whose wedding is the first to take place @worryingday ?

I can see sparks flying on OP’s wedding day when a guest makes a reference to the cousin’s wedding and it all comes to a head

Ok, now you know for sure about yourself, it's a good moment to advocate for your mother. Get in touch with your cousin's parents and explain that you know you're not invited but your mother doesn't know either way yet; that being excluded was a particular fear of hers when your Dad died; that it will be particularly hurtful if she has indeed been; ask that cousin's parents please explain this to cousin.

Why? Because, frankly cousin is in very serious need of an epic bollocking from her parents for this behaviour. You don't treat grieving relatives like this, she ought to know this, she doesn't know this, she really needs to be told. If you frame it to her parents as advocating for your parent then they're more likely to respond with the badly needed bollocking than by thinking you're being grabby. Also your Mum, being just one person, is more likely to be ultimately squeezed in. As she hasn't been formally not-invited yet, the harm is not yet fully done.

This is crap. I agree with you. Do not disinvite her. Your family needs to see she is in the wrong. If she isnt invited it will look like to others you both did not invite each other. This will make her look worse in front of the family. You could just invite your cousin (if askes you could say you presume it is the fiancée that has the problem). I suspect at least one of them wont turn up to your wedding

Sorry OP this is so hurtful for you. I think it will all reflect very badly on them! I’m normally one for confrontation but in this instance I’d just decline the evening invite. I would make it clear whenever asked by other family members that you have not been invited to the day do. They may well speak up for you.

Your relationship sadly won’t recover and this is on cousin and wife. I hope it’s worth it to them and how unkind after everything with your Dad.

You are kind to be the bigger person and keep them on the invite list to your wedding. Again this will go noticed by family. Hold your head high and focus on your wedding. I suspect this will all come back on them!

I agree - the other couple sound awful