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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

364 replies

worryingday · 16/07/2026 21:26

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

OP posts:
Woodfiresareamazing2 · 17/07/2026 14:05

ConcernedOfSussex · 17/07/2026 13:30

Oh for goodness sake just ask your cousin whether you are invited or not. It's quite simple

Show quote history

Oh for goodness sake, just click on 'See all' next to OP posts. It's quite simple.

Then you can avoid looking like an idiot by writing stupid comments that are completely irrelevant.

sittingonabeach · 17/07/2026 14:04

Sounds like you might have dodged a bullet not being invited!

Original poster
worryingday · 17/07/2026 14:01

saraclara · 17/07/2026 13:57

I think that is the treatment of your mother that would tip me over the edge. What a dreadful way to treat a recently widowed aunt.

If you get in touch with your cousin at all, @worryingday I would do it from the perspective of a daughter distressed by the way your mother has been treated, rather than for yourself. Make it clear that it seems that she's no longer seen as family now that her DH is dead.

But the thing is my mum is choosing not to take it that way.. which I guess is her choice. I’m not going to start calling her weak and pathetic and a doormat like some people on here!

She’s already struggling. I tried gently to explain how this seems to me and she’s said she doesn’t think that’s the case (that we’re excluded because my dad isn’t here). I don’t want to put this on her really. She’s closer to her in-laws than her own family. She was with my dad since they were teenagers. It’s just awful.

so yes my mum not being invited and all my dad’s living siblings and their wives / husbands being there is the part I’m most angry about. I half expect at least one of my dad’s brothers’ wives to refuse to go because of this tbh. Not sure what will happen.

OP posts:
Benjithedog · 17/07/2026 14:00

SummerPeonies2026 · 17/07/2026 12:07

‘I completely understand guest limits to your wedding day, I will be disappointed not to see you get married given how close we are, however we really do wish you every happiness in your married life together, and hope you have a great day.

I am delighted to invite you both to our evening reception from 8pm, however we can’t accommodate a day time invite, due to our own logistics.

Next year will be a very happy year for our families, and I look forward to see you at the next family gathering

Best wishes

Op 👰🏼’

Love this too

saraclara · 17/07/2026 13:57

I think that is the treatment of your mother that would tip me over the edge. What a dreadful way to treat a recently widowed aunt.

If you get in touch with your cousin at all, @worryingday I would do it from the perspective of a daughter distressed by the way your mother has been treated, rather than for yourself. Make it clear that it seems that she's no longer seen as family now that her DH is dead.

PS5Gamer · 17/07/2026 13:53

So sorry about your Dad.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you and your family are not that important to your Cousin. If you were, surely she would have invited you and prioritised your family rather than work/uni friends. It’s crap, even if you do get an invite now it’s meaningless as you now know that they didn’t really want you there in the first place.

I do think a lot of it boils down to the timing of your own wedding. Petty or not, they would not be getting an official invite to my wedding.

Benjithedog · 17/07/2026 13:52

Petty as hell and I love it

bridgetreilly · 17/07/2026 13:49

Of course you should go to the evening bit. Wedding planning absolutely brings out the worst in people, but if you want to continue as part of their lives, which it sounds like you do, you suck that up, smile and enjoy it.

euff · 17/07/2026 13:39

If one of her friends cancels and a few places become free, would you and you mum want to go?

Original poster
worryingday · 17/07/2026 13:36

ConcernedOfSussex · 17/07/2026 13:30

Oh for goodness sake just ask your cousin whether you are invited or not. It's quite simple

Show quote history

Have you not read the thread? She confirmed I’m not invited except for the evening.

OP posts:
jollygoose · 17/07/2026 13:31

I'm sad on your behalf, you sound like a lovely person to still want your cousin at yours, I don't think I could be so forgiving

ConcernedOfSussex · 17/07/2026 13:30

worryingday · 17/07/2026 12:13

Oh definitely! They’re getting married just for her basically, my cousin isn’t bothered about weddings or getting married. Whereas the fiancée has banged on about her wedding vision in minute detail for their entire relationship.

I am sorry to be arranging my wedding for the same year but it just can’t be helped. I am getting on a bit (8 years older than cousin) and really need to start trying for baby no.2 immediately after our wedding, so I don’t want to leave it any later than summer next year. And I don’t want to leave it for another few years, I want to have the financial and legal protections of marriage, and for us all to have the same name. The fiancée should be able to understand that.

Im not completely changing my plans or getting married in the winter to appease someone who’s leaving me out anyway!

Show quote history

Oh for goodness sake just ask your cousin whether you are invited or not. It's quite simple

abisothergran · 17/07/2026 13:22

I am so sorry your cousin has allowed your mother and yourself to be treated like this so soon after losing your father.She doesn’t sound worthy of your love.

outerspacepotato · 17/07/2026 13:20

I get the reality that your mom and you will be less included from his side of the family. Those family ties are unraveling and that is your cousin's doing, or not doing. I do think you should match that dropping off and not invite them. Don't reward their snubbing your mom and you when she's lost her husband so recently and you your dad. This is where you make it plain you stand with your mom.

And I get someone's mad that you're getting married the same summer and they won't be Queen of the whole fucking summer. That's where your cousin should be stepping in and standing up for her family being included too. I would send cousin a message about how you feel about that and you and your mom not being invited after your dad's death. You know the cousin would have invited you if he was still alive.

I'm sorry for your loss.

canklesmctacotits · 17/07/2026 13:20

I think it’s shocking that your cousin is allowing her fiancée to prioritise her friends over her own family, including a recently bereaved aunt and her only child, and allowing a situation where she has to choose between family members subsist. It’s totally immature, emotionally unintelligent and smacks of wedding > marriage. I would expect an elder in your cousin’s life to tell her as much.

grumpygrape · 17/07/2026 13:15

worryingday · 16/07/2026 21:26

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

Confused old person here. How have they accepted an invitation which hasn't been sent yet?

CatG021024 · 17/07/2026 13:09

I feel for you, it must make you feel so sad and upset. I would be tempted to speak to your cousin to explain how you feel.

99bottlesofkombucha · 17/07/2026 13:04

worryingday · 17/07/2026 12:04

Well im not. I’ve basically wrote that last update almost quoting exactly how her brother has described the rationale to me. I haven’t said whether I think it’s reasonable or not. Clearly I don’t!

Show quote history

I think this is worth a message to the cousin. ‘I have been told I’m uninvited from your wedding because it was easier to cut me than someone with siblings. So congratulations, you’ve taken the only child whose dad has died and the mum whose husband died recently and cut them out of the family event. Do you also walk over and kick a child if they have fallen over? That would be about the same. I never would have believed you could be this person but it’s very clear you are.

LeedsLoiner · 17/07/2026 13:02

worryingday · 17/07/2026 11:35

thanks for the comments all, more the kind ones than the ‘you have no self respect’ comments!

So a bit of an update and explanation on how this has occurred. I don’t feel any better but don’t think I feel worse.

I think my cousin finally said something because it all felt like it was coming to a head yesterday with various family members asking questions, hence my post. I haven’t responded but messaged her sibling who said:

Cousin’s fiancé has chosen a venue that really isn’t big enough for the size of families

Cousin’s fiancé has a very long list of her friends and family members who must be invited. Which has meant anyone who is even vaguely a mutual friend has gone on my cousin’s guest allocation.

Cousin then prioritised immediate family, then friends and finally extended family for the last remaining places. Bizarrely her brother said that my cousin does genuinely feel closer to me and prefers me to several other cousins who are invited but basically her ‘top 2 cousins’ for the invite list are each in sibling groups of 3 and she felt she needed to invite their siblings too. Me being an only child made it easier to leave me out… plus she doesn’t see it as me being the ‘only’ family member to not be invited as she’s also not inviting my mum!

Last but not least, apparently my cousin had assumed it was almost a certainty that 1 or 2 of her friends probably wouldn’t be able to make it and then she could invite me and my mum and we’d never need to know we hadn’t made the original list! Which I think explains the vagueness either way for months.

Oh and apparently her fiancée is very upset that our wedding is the same summer. So that probably hasn’t helped. Right now I don’t feel bad AT ALL. And I’m incredibly relieved we didn’t change our plans or inconvenience ourselves for people who wouldn’t even be inviting us. But it was very clear from speaking to her brother these decisions were made 6 months ago so predate any plans for us to get married so close to them.

I'd be having a quiet word with your cousin and the rest of the family about how controlling the bride is - by the sound of it your cousin isn't even that bothered about getting married but is being railroaded into it to keep the bride happy.
If you and your cousin really do get on well is this the bride deliberately forcing a rift between you?

Hotpants123 · 17/07/2026 12:53

Make sure your wedding is the happiest, most relaxed and inclusive wedding you can. I totally agree with your stance. Make sure they sit at the back and do a speech saying in the absence of your father you feel very blessed to have your nearest and dearest celebrating with you. Your wedding is all about love.
Make a huge fuss of your mum.

Fuck them both.
Not to invite you and your mum is callous and horrible.

DO NOT SEND THEM A CARD OR PRESENT!

Soverymuchfruit · 17/07/2026 12:43

worryingday · 17/07/2026 11:35

thanks for the comments all, more the kind ones than the ‘you have no self respect’ comments!

So a bit of an update and explanation on how this has occurred. I don’t feel any better but don’t think I feel worse.

I think my cousin finally said something because it all felt like it was coming to a head yesterday with various family members asking questions, hence my post. I haven’t responded but messaged her sibling who said:

Cousin’s fiancé has chosen a venue that really isn’t big enough for the size of families

Cousin’s fiancé has a very long list of her friends and family members who must be invited. Which has meant anyone who is even vaguely a mutual friend has gone on my cousin’s guest allocation.

Cousin then prioritised immediate family, then friends and finally extended family for the last remaining places. Bizarrely her brother said that my cousin does genuinely feel closer to me and prefers me to several other cousins who are invited but basically her ‘top 2 cousins’ for the invite list are each in sibling groups of 3 and she felt she needed to invite their siblings too. Me being an only child made it easier to leave me out… plus she doesn’t see it as me being the ‘only’ family member to not be invited as she’s also not inviting my mum!

Last but not least, apparently my cousin had assumed it was almost a certainty that 1 or 2 of her friends probably wouldn’t be able to make it and then she could invite me and my mum and we’d never need to know we hadn’t made the original list! Which I think explains the vagueness either way for months.

Oh and apparently her fiancée is very upset that our wedding is the same summer. So that probably hasn’t helped. Right now I don’t feel bad AT ALL. And I’m incredibly relieved we didn’t change our plans or inconvenience ourselves for people who wouldn’t even be inviting us. But it was very clear from speaking to her brother these decisions were made 6 months ago so predate any plans for us to get married so close to them.

Useful update. But I would seriously reply to brother saying in light of your Dad's death, not inviting your Mum is unforgivably rude and he needs to tell her this if she doesn't realise.

NorthernJim · 17/07/2026 12:42

It's clear from your posts that not being invited has upset you, understandably. They've told you that they see you lower than their work colleagues.

But you do need to grow a pair and take control of the aspects that you can do. By simply going along with it you're accepting your status as a 2nd class family member. Stop being a doormat.

There is no way I'd have either of them at my wedding. It's clear they their presence at your wedding is going to affect you emotionally, it's going to be a stain on your big day. At best it'll be an elephant in the room all day, but when the alcohol starts flowing it's almost certainly going to end in an argument or fight.

If you really want your cousin to come to your wedding, then invite them alone, leave fiancee off the invite. If they ask why she's not invited tell them that there's not enough room for her because you've invited your neighbour's dog.

Katiesaidthat · 17/07/2026 12:41

worryingday · 16/07/2026 22:05

I'm not going to uninvite them from my wedding. That would feel worse than them just not inviting me, and I think my family would think so too.

Ultimately I've had a vision for my wedding for a long time and she's part of it. It would feel more awkward for me and ruin the day if I excluded her.

You haven´t invited them, the invitations haven´t gone out yet, or have I missunderstood you? And the ones who whould feel awkward are them. Going to your wedding and not inviting you to theirs? Really poor form, especially as one month apart. My husband´s cousin married a week after us and in the end they didn´t attend ours as across the country and only a week apart, but we were invited to theirs, as is normal.

Bobcurlygirl · 17/07/2026 12:36

Oh bless you. The fiance is punishing you for taking the spotlight off her for a moment. And your mum.. Guilty by association. Your cousin is permitting it. So think carefully about inviting her... Invite alone or evening do maybe or not at all.. And do not keep quiet.. Why aren't you going... "me and mum aren't invited, " on repeat.

Delatron · 17/07/2026 12:31

As an aside I wouldn’t delay trying for a baby for a wedding if you are ‘getting on a bit’? A year is a long time. I’d crack on and arrange the wedding around any baby..

Though depends how old you are.