AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

Unfortunately this type of behaviour of excluding close family members can cause a rift that continues for years. It's very nasty and thoughtless.

Ah, okay. That's fair enough. Your mother is a better person then her niece deserves.

I do hope that one of her siblings or siblings-in-law demonstrated their disapproval though. The siblings' spouses have just had a demonstration of how they're likely to be treated in the future, if they're widowed.

It is weak OP.

I am sorry your cousin is doing this to you and your mum OP. If your dad were still alive you both would have been invited to the entire wedding. It is at best thoughtless and at worse downright mean of your cousin to do this. You sound lovely OP, your cousin not so much.

My only advice is to have a wonderful joyous wedding day. I hope it is everything you envisaged and blessings to you and yours.

I think it likely that your cousin has blighted her day already and will have to deal with the consequences of her choices. Whether you or your DM help mitigate these consequences is something for you to decide.

"And sadly some of my friends didn’t make the cut as a result. But I suspect they’ve prioritised all their friends and didn’t have quite enough space left to invite their whole family."

Then that is exactly what you should be doing. Add friends and don't have your cousin and her bride. No matter what your vision was, I can't see any way that her attending your wedding in this situation wouldn't make me you feel worse or sour your vision. I'd have to ask myself why I'm making her an important part of my day (vision?) and yet I wasn't even invited to the hen do. If other family members have been questioning, then it's obvious they expected you to be invited as well.

You only asked AIBU, but of course posters want to give advice as well. Not my circus, etc. but I'm offended for you. But it's your guest list, your wedding, and your day. I hope it's a happy one.💐

What a nasty post, especially given that the OP explained about her dad passing away recently.

She’s closer to her in-laws than her own family. She was with my dad since they were teenagers.

This is where you act for her. You know they would have invited you if your dad was alive. She and you are being excluded because her very long time husband died. That's not right and you know it and cousin knows it. You need to react to being excluded, not just accept it. If you accept it and roll over and invite cousin to yours, you're telling them you're ok with your mom and you being considered lesser family and there will be more exclusion. There have to be some consequences for the exclusion. She really needs to be included right now, especially if she's struggling and so do you.

I think you should uninvite cousin and bridezilla from your wedding, citing a ‘reduction to numbers’ and let the fallout commence. They are both horrible bastards

What RockinCara said, pretty much.

Families really can suck sometimes with the hurtful things they do. I would be livid if someone had done this to my mum, it's very unkind.

I think you have to a) concentrate on making your own wedding a lovely and memorable day and b) be guided by your mum's feelings on whether you attend your cousin's evening do or not, given how close she is to your dad's family.

I suspect your cousin is going to catch some serious flak from other relatives when it becomes clear that a couple of family members have been excluded. She really should spoken to you direct at the outset rather than let this situation develop.

I wouldn't be petty with your cousin or uninvite her and partner from your wedding (yes I do think it's the fiancee who is the prime reason behind the guest list chaos), but if you end up discussing all this with your cousin I would be honest and tell her how hurt and disappointed you are, particularly for your mum.

Why on earth did the bride put up with this shoddy behaviour?

Read the OP’s posts. The brother gave the reason.

It’s very sad that they’ve done this to you and your mum, especially after losing your dad recently. I say go and have a wonderful, sparkling wedding. You have been very mature in keeping them on your guest list. Let Bridezilla sit there comparing and contrasting if she likes. Just enjoy your day. And tell them you’re glad they came and how important family is to you since your dad died. Show them you’re the bigger, classier person…

I think that if you are not going to uninvite her to your wedding (you could just invite your cousin for the whole day and her for the evening part)then you are setting a precedent of what you will accept from her and you will always be left out in favour of everyone else.

Why has cousin been told who they can or cannot invite.
Why have all mutual friends been put on your cousins list. Surely it would be 50/50
They both should have had equal number of invites
If anything what her sibling said just raised more questions than they answered
and raised more red flags

I am going to hazard a guess that your family are very accepting of bad behaviour from others. You accept dreadful treatment from people who know they can walk all over you all without any consequences.

This woman is with your cousin because she knows she can do and say anything and get her own way with no comeback

I actually think your cousin should think very carefully about her relationship.
I would ask your cousin to think about how many times they wanted something and it never happened and how many times bridezilla wanted something and they went along with it

This lack of consequences is why she picked your cousin to marry

Bridezilla has taken over the wedding and your cousin has let her dump supposed favourite cousin and her recently widowed mother out of the wedding and your cousin has gone along with it.

This behaviour hasn’t come out of nowhere This is normal behaviour your cousin has got used to.

Where is your cousins line in the sand

Either your cousin will be divorced very quickly or they are going to lead a horrible life with this woman.

Did you ask why?

You could be onto something with your theory about the allocation of numbers, OP. Years ago I was bumped to the evening guest list by a good friend. Official invites hadn’t gone out yet, but we’d had lots of conversations about the wedding where it was clear I was going to be invited to the main event. When the written invitation came through the post and it was for the evening only, I must admit that I felt a twinge of disappointment (and confusion), but when I saw her she explained that they’d scaled the numbers right back due to cost. Completely fair enough. However when we were at the evening party (and being shown some photos of the day) it became apparent quickly that the scaled back numbers still included ALL of the groom’s friends, and it was the bride’s friends that had all been bumped to the evening (apart from a couple of her friends, who happened to be in relationships with his mates!). I then actually felt sad for her.
DH and I got married a couple of years later, and I still invited her to the day of our wedding. I think you’re doing the right thing by still inviting your cousin to your wedding OP, if that’s what you want.

I think inviting her regardless make her look very mature and strong actually.... strong enough not to care.
Having said that .. I'd be upset and would care so would have to know why.....and potentially uninvite

OP, I don't have anything helpful to add but just wanted to say I think it's awful how you and your mum being treated by your cousin and her fiance and can imagine it's extremely hurtful. Weddings always cause issues but if they were struggling for space then they shouldn't be inviting any cousins - full stop. At least then everyone is being treated equally. But to exclude you and your mum (which is the absolute worst!) when your dad has recently passed and without any reason other than numbers, that's inexcusable. I'd really struggle to continue a relationship with them tbh.

Well, you sound really lovely and the other bride sounds awful.

You are doing the right thing and inviting them to your own wedding so that there isn't any drama.

And it is good that the other bride is unhappy that theirs isn't the only wedding that summer. It serves her right.

I would send a card, but no present.

Jesus, this would a hill i would die on tbh. And if the family is as close as you say they are, I am surprised the other aunty/uncles have not called bridezilla out on her shitty behaviour. It will cause friction in the future.

If your invites have not been sent out I would only include the cousin, citing space as an issue. It sounds like your cousin has been bullied into giving up their allocated list to accommodate her.....you do your approx guest list before you do venues imo.

Awful awful behaviour and I feel really sorry for your mum too.

Go high. It will be the most effective way to embarass them and make the rest of your family call out their behaviour.

I agree you should invite them both to your wedding and all events surrounding the wedding. Make sure you regularly tell your cousin how important she is to you and how much you appreciated her support when your Dad was dying. If you recind your invite she will be able to justify not inviting you and it will cause a family split.

If you get an evening invite to their wedding accept it with good grace. It will embarrass them much more to have you there as an evening guest than it will to have you not there at all. All the family will see how you've been treated and will have opinions. THIS IS NOT YOUR SHAME IT IS THEIRS. Hold your head up high and tell people how happy you are for them and if people ask why you weren't invited to the whole thing say you understand that difficult decisions have to be made when planning a wedding and obviously you were disappointed but you still wanted to be part of her important day because she was so good to you when your father was dying.

This is all of course assuming you don't get upgraded in the meantime because bridezilla's friends get a better offer.

You can reassess your relationship after the wedding based on how apologetic your cousiin is for her fuck up.

Christ she sounds like an evil cow.

I’d be making a group chat and laying out exactly how your recently widowed mum is being treated, and how because of this she’s uninvited from your wedding. Everyone should know.

OMG the update from her brother is outrageous. Their behaviour towards you and your mother is dismissive and disrespectful. Even more, it is so disrespectful to your Dad's memory and so hurtful. I cannot believe that your Dad's siblings will be happy with the callousness of her reasoning. Your Mum deserves better than to be treated as dispensable, someone who can be slotted in if someone else drops out. Her partner may be the driving force but where is her backbone and why has she not insisted your family bring included from the start.

Whatever happens from now on you need to be firm in relation to any invitation to her wedding. Make it clear now, so there is no confusion or chance to change the narrative later, that you will not be the alternative if someone drops out. Likewise you will not be accepting any evening invitation. You and your Mum, as her uncles family, deserve better. You need to get tough.
What she chooses to do in relation to your wedding is entirely up to her.

Meant to copy this post in my petty as hell and I love it post.