AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

I think Id probably ask them directly tbh. Not a fun activity obviously but Id feel very uncomfortable having them at mine and not being invited to theirs. Its odd that they are apparently unaware of the unfairness of the situation and how you'll be feeling.

Are you sure it’s not because your weddings are close together she doesn’t want to share any details /activities/dresses /hen night incase you do similar as some woman are bridezillers ? Maybe she presumes you know your invited , does she think you will compare her wedding to yours , do you have a bigger budget , she sounds a bit strange tbh !

Please do not invite them to uour wedding. See how they like that. Whats good for you is good for them.

People can be weak cowards.

OMG the update from her brother is outrageous. Their behaviour towards you and your mother is dismissive and disrespectful. Even more, it is so disrespectful to your Dad's memory and so hurtful. I cannot believe that your Dad's siblings will be happy with the callousness of her reasoning. Your Mum deserves better than to be treated as dispensable, someone who can be slotted in if someone else drops out. Her partner may be the driving force but where is her backbone and why has she not insisted your family bring included from the start.

This is what I can't understand.
If your cousin's parents and siblings all know, why on earth aren't they telling her how unreasonable it is ?

I don't agree with the posters who have said you should always invite people who invited you. People have different sized families, different numbers of friends, are happy with smaller weddings, have different budgets etc., but to invite ALL cousins except you and all Aunts / Uncles except your Mum is outrageous when this is a cousin you see regularly and get on with.

I don't understand why the rest of the family aren't pointing this out to her.

It is horrendous that she hasn’t invited you but it is unforgivable that she has not invited your mother. For that reason you need to not invite her. If it was me I would never bother with her again but you sound a very kind person. Do what you feel is best.

I disagree with this. There is a time for holding head high and there is a time to cut your losses and run. There is no way in this earth I’d let those selfish people come to my wedding. I almost don’t believe it because it’s so rude, except I do.

op, this is no time for rising above it. Take steps to show how much you respect yourself.

Absolutely this!!!

I can't quite grasp why you haven't been invited to your cousin's hen party? Surely there aren't space restrictions there too? I understand the impulse behind those advising you to rescind your invitation and I think the poster who asked you to think how would your dad, if he were here, feel about the callous behaviour of your cousin made very good, kind observations.

I agree with your instinct not to disinvite them, though, even if the relationship is now tainted. You sound like a gentle and decent person and that kind of response (not extending an invitation) can feel good in the moment but tarnish over time. Let them come but dont give them much of your time or consideration going forward.

I agree! She has no right to give OP grief for this. If she had her way, apparently OP would have to either get married in the bad-weather seasons or wait another year! 🤣🤣🤣

A month is fine. A week or ten days, I could understand a little more. But not really, because a wedding is meant to be about the couple and celebrating their love and new commitment! It's not a competition about whose day is best or who looked nicest!

It's not maturity, it's not having the balls to do anything when she's disrespected.

She daren't even ask her cousin what's going on, FFS!

I'm giving your cousin's marriage a year! Her future wife sounds very unpleasant. As for you, OP, I wish you every happiness in your marriage, and the arrival of baby no 2, a year after a wonderful happy wedding.

I really feel for you OP, even with the update it’s shoddy behaviour.

Perhaps take your mum away for a pamper night away the day of their wedding. Do something you will all enjoy.

I hope you have a lovely wedding ❤

I’m so sorry how appalling you and your brothers were treated. I’m disgusted on your behalf and I hope you and your siblings have a close relationship.

OP I'm really sorry this happened, but am pleased you've had mostly supportive responses. My advice - play the long game. Be supportive, kind but frankly you know where you stand with them now.

When my sister had her wedding (overseas) on a date I 100% couldn't do (was a teacher at the time) I was pulled to shreds on Mumsnet for being upset.

I don’t think she really saw any issue with it. I guess because she saw his friends as her friends also. Which was true to a point, but ultimately they were all his old school mates, and all her old mates got bumped.

Does your cousin realise just how controlling her fiancee is?

Gosh @worryingday I'm really shocked at your cousin's behaviour. Unbelievably cruel to your poor mother (and to you, of course), and so disrespectful to your dad. My guest list was overseen by my mum, to make sure I didn't forget about the numerous great aunties and uncles who had to be there. I really can't understand the whole "their wedding, their choice" line - as if the relationship could ever have come about, or would have any hope of lasting, without the support of the other people who love the bride and groom.

Edit to add: I'd definitely not "uninvite" your cousin though. You absolutely don't want to participate in/ normalise the idea that weddings are an opportunity for oneupmanship, or that a fancy venue and a designer dress matters more than the people you love. The venue and everything else is dictated by the guest list, not the other way around.

This is what happened to me and my brothers, we were 21, 18, 16 and 5 when mum died, immediately after the funeral her whole family basically disappeared never to be heard of again. Then 7 years later dad died and his family fucked off too and stopped contacting or responding, it was like we never existed. My Grandma on Dads side died this year and I discovered that she’d rewritten her will after dad died to exclude any mention of our existence.

The whole “blood is thicker than water” thing is bollocks, I have much more faith in my chosen family than the ones I was born into.

@worryingday is in between a rock and a hard place.

First, she's grieving the pretty recent loss of her father. She's also worried about family pulling away from she and her mom and this is starting to happen. And the downgrade is significant. She's not even invited to the hen. She's less than a close friend now. Her mom is excluded from a significant family event she would have been part of prior to her husband's death and that is a huge hurt.

She's afraid to rock the boat. She doesn't know what the fallout will be.

It will be worse if she doesn't address their exclusion. This will become the norm because it was ok for cousin's wedding. Her mom will slowly lose contact to a family she's been close to and a part of since her teens.

Dad's family is already starting to leave she and her mom out. If she brings it up and puts that out into the open, I think it lets the family know she doesn't see this third tier treatment as acceptable for she and her mom and maybe it will make the family a bit more conscious about including her mom and her.

I’ve read all your updates and frankly, you And DM, DP and DC) have been treated appallingly.
Basically they can’t afford a venue to accommodate the amount of guests they would ideally have and you’re the ones that don’t make the cut.
if other than feeling ‘awkward’ it’s not going to cause any problems then fine but I would imagine there will be a festering resentment - especially due to the callous timing after losing your DF.
Obviously it’s their wedding so they can invite who they want but they have to understand that not everyone will feel this is fair.
sad for you that you have viewed them as close in your life yet you are right down the pecking order in terms of your relevance in their lives.

I'm so sorry they've done this to you. It doesn't actually matter whether they do a U-turn and invite you, or whether you keep them on your guest list or not. She's going to be reminded of what she did regardless.

At the end of the day, she's made a decision that has changed her relationship with you forever, and has likely ruined any memories of her own wedding.

Also, I personally wouldn't attend if you make the B-list. It won't feel the same because you'll know you weren't meant to be there.

All you can do now, is take the high road, welcome her and her fiancée to your wedding, and make sure you have the drama free, love filled day you deserve xxx

So sorry op xx

I do not agree with the nastiness on this thread and I can see why you want to be the bigger person OP.

However, your vision surely has to change? The vision you had was based in a different reality to what you're now confronted with.

I think your cousin really needs to grow a pair and tell his GF that his family comes before her work mates (who lets be honest she probably won't even talk to in a few years time). She sounds horrible but he sounds like a coward.

If it were me I'd make sure my vision only included people who gave a shit about me, sadly I dont think that's the case. I know you're trying to convince yourself otherwise, it's really sad accepting you arent as important to someone else as you thought.

Tldr; uninvite the pair of them

Very true, and it's clear that's not what OP wants. Which is one reason why she's quite right not to rescind her cousin's invitation.

But please, OP, do see she finds out how hurtful this has been. For one thing, that gives her a chance to apologise. I think you'll need that, for your long-term relationship.