AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

@SummerPeonies2026 It’s not bullying. It’s not systematic over a period of time. It’s just one occasion. It’s just plain old fashioned rudeness. I’d be a bit cross but op can take back control over her wedding. Amend the guest list!

Exclusion is a form of bullying, and op confirmed this type of thing has happened before.

But her wife to be is picking on worryingday
and her mum

She is also throwing her weight around with the cousin.

Don’t know what you would call this sort of behaviour

Why are you talking about bullying ?

The cousin has behaved / is behaving really badly, but this is nothing to do with bullying.

When has a bully turned round and thought this is how I should behave.

OP should do what she was always going to do - it will show the cousin what she should have done.

Absolutely!

I totally agree with this.

You're coming across as weak. It's not mature or reasonable or anything positive to be a doormat.

100% disagree. OP should do what she was always going to do - it will show the cousin what she should have done. All the rest of the extended family will notice, and will notice that the OP is by far the better person and hasn't let herself be dragged down by the cousin's poor choices.

That is a different situation to this one where the bride and OP are close and supportive cousins. As someone who got married half a lifetime ago I no longer see most of my uni friends or work frinds from when I got married but I still see all the family members who are alive.

I think the 'disinvite them' crowd are forgetting that the rest of the family are watching and judging the behaviour of both cousins. If OP invites her cousin and attends the cousins evening the rest of the family will be on her side. If she responds tit for tat she will be viewed as equally as bad and has got what she deserves. The way to minimise the wider repercussions from this going forward is to be the bigger person.

And also, arseholes hate it when you aren't offended by their bad behaviour. Making people like the bridezilla squirm by being all 'hey, lovely to see you, how are you doing, long time no see, etc etc' is hilarious because they can't deal with it, they are wanting a confrontation or for you to hide away so they can feel like their bullying has worked. But if you're not bothered their power is gone.

We have not invited any family to DDs wedding. They are not wanted. They are the fcking problems. Work friends are so much nicer and are actually pleasant!

Invite them to your evening do only then it’s just as “fair”

And just to clarify, I dont know whether you should go to the evening do, but i wouldnt want to. Amd think its understandable if you say to her "no it would be too awkward".

Sorry to see posts on here saying youre a doormat because you don't want to blow up your relationship with your cousin. Hopefully they are in the minority. This is shitty behaviour from cousin and her fiancé. But you just need to tell family when they ask about it that everyone in the family made the cut except mum and you. Thereby pushing the awkwardness onto the couple, and letting them be judged. But truly be emotionless about it if you can. Your cousin isnt that bothered about her own wedding so dont you be either.

And going to her evening do sounds like itll be weird. She's really created a lot of weirdness with this silly behaviour and all for a stupid wedding! I have little respect for weddings anyway but now to cause so much awkwardness and trouble over one! And to expose and introduce a pecking order over one. Really poor behaviour. But people get really silly when it comes to weddings. Venue comes first! Even before family. But yeah weddings. Id say forgive her for this because weddings can make people feel not in control. But it is fucked up what theyve done and they have caused an issue.

You are behaving normally! Responding gracefully! You are doing everything right. Dont get dragged down by this. Dont allow bridezilla to suck you into any drama with this. Just keep being the excellent example of proper behaviour. People will find out and rightfully judge them.

Are there others in your family who can stand up for you and your mum? They could not invite your partner and just invite you and your mum, that's 3 people. Surely family over fucking work friends? JFC. If this had happened to someone in my family I would refuse to go. If my dickhead of a fiancee was not letting me have my family so everyone she wanted to go, we wouldn't be getting married. I wouldn't speak to your cousin about it for me, but i would about your mum. I'd just say to her that it's hurtful you two are the only family excluded but especially your mum when she's recently widowed, please can she rethink so your mum can join.

Alternatively could you see if another family member might be willing to drop out so your mum could go, if it is genuinely that she felt obliged to invite a load of others? Not everyone wants to go to weddings anyway. Then if someone was keen that could be suggested as a possible solution.

The reality is though any interventions won't come out well. Better to just not deal with her any more. I would find it too hurtful.

Haven't read all the thread, I would invite her to your evening do only now and say otherwise it feels awkward for us and my mum. Honesty is the best way, tell her your feeling are hurt, you feel excluded but will be there for her evening event and she is invited to your evening event in return. Otherwise you will always feel resentment.

There are ways of standing up for yourself without treating your own wedding as a battleground.

OP you don’t want to hear it but they are indirectly insulting your dad and their relationship with him and in turn with you and your mum! He’s dead so him and his family don’t matter.
reply and say I understand, in view of this information pls relay to cousin she is no longer invited to my wedding. Please don’t be a doormat, the rest of the family may see this as a way to treat you and your poor mum whose only “crime” is being a widow.
And the fact that their whole family hid it from you shows they know they are wrong.

I agree with you that it would be graceless to uninvite her now. But, I do think you should get to the bottom of your lack of invite to her wedding. Good to know for future reference, so you can adapt your behaviour to mirror hers in future (even if not for your wedding). Otherwise it will rankle long term.

Agree. It's actually the only reasonable, mature course to simply leave these people behind. It's not as though they'll care, and it's just not controversial to move on from people who disrespect you and your mum.

Imagine choosing to be forced to be welcoming to people who openly disrespect your own mother on your wedding day?

Bizarre, honestly.

Rising above should not require a person to spend 80 quid per head on people who don't value you or to invite negativity in on a day that should be special to you.

It is perfectly possible for Op to not let the actions of her cousin bother her AND not invite her to her wedding.

You're coming across as weak. It's not mature or reasonable or anything positive to be a doormat.

It's fine if you prefer to continue to be timid, but don't make the mistake of equating that with any kind of moral high ground. And do know that the excuses you're making to try to justify your lack of courage are just that - excuses.

Obviously you can't possibly accept the begrudging and disrespectful evening invite, and it's a shame you won't stick up for your own mum by simply walking away from people who are treating her so badly.

It's mature, sensible and reasonable to remove rude people from your life.

You're choosing to hide behind the pretence of being the bigger person, when in reality simply removing people who disrespect your mother from your wedding and social sphere is uncontroversial and completely justified and normal.

As you're too frightened to even ask a question, you can look forward to a lifetime of such treatment by multifarious CFs.

Hope your wedding goes well anyway and it's a good day despite your cousin's calculated rudeness.

😂(love your directness!)

"Ill mannered" is very restrained...she's an arse!

I disagree. I would certainly have the balls and ask etc....because I care too much and would want to know and would be hurt...but the bigger/more mature person would be wise enough to rise above it all and not let it affect them because they know deep down that their treatment says more about the cousin's shortcomings than anything to do with themselves personally.

Why would invites go out 1 year before.. isn't it far too early, so far too early also to assume you aren't invited? If you aren't invited then the only
thing is to simply ask her if there is any reason.

That’s a good point. In the family you describe where they are close I wouldn’t go if my sil had been left out. I’d decline my seat publicly.