AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

If you haven't sent out the offical invitations for your wedding, then I wouldn't send them one when you do. Leaving you and your mum out, when your dad died last year, and inviting everyone else, is 'mean girl' behaviour.

It may take a while for you to process this - you viewed your relationship one way and she obviously thinks of it another and that can really hurt. Also, if other family members knew and have gone along with it, it can be a shock - your whole perception of them and you and where your place is within the group has changed.

You may need to change how you see your wedding . I know that you had a vision of the whole family but I think if I saw them at my wedding, knowing what they had done, I would feel worse. I don't even think of it as tit for tat - I think of it as matching energy.

Maybe they feel it is ok to do this, as you are 'nice' and they know you won't make a fuss? You can be kind and also have boundaries and be assertive.

I really wouldn’t have someone who has been so unkind to you at your wedding . You should be surrounded by people who love and support you. Your cousin does not.

I am so sad for you in the circumstances that this has happened. What a cowbag she is.

@worryingday if you still want them there at your wedding, that's completely up to you.

It's really poor behaviour to exclude you and your mum.

You now have a choice in how you want to react.

I personally would tell my aunties / uncles and other cousins that you and your mum have not been invited.

It's highly likely that the bride and groom themselves don't think they have done anything wrong. They need to be told by their family that they have behaved really shoddily about not inviting you and particularly your mum.

If you see them you could also point this out to them. Your mum has had a really shitty time and was really looking forward to attending your wedding and to be found out she hasn't been invited is very cruel. You can also point out how it's hurtful that all other that all other aunts / uncles/ cousins have been invited except you.

The bride and groom seem selfish and oblivious so they need to be told what dickheads they are being. I have no doubt that they have this perverse logic that because your dad has died that means they don't have to invite you and your mum - twats

People can be such selfish pricks when they get married, yes it is their day. They can invite who they like. But they need to be made aware that their decisions have ramifications and consequences

@worryingday What have your other aunts / uncles / cousins said?

I think your mother needs to step in and have a word with your uncle and other relatives, and explain that the lack of an invitation might irreparably damage the family relationships.

This poster is absolutely correct, even if you don’t like hearing it. You are lying on the floor and then being surprised when you’re treated like a doormat.

It’s understandable that you feel hurt by your cousin’s behaviour, and it’s ok to challenge this and to tell her so. Set a good, assertive example for your child.

I get the whole being a lower cousin thing, well I don’t but my partner and I are the ‘lower’ cousins. No idea why! so fuck them! We’ve done nothing wrong, so much so, I asked if we get married can we elope to avoid the hassle of inviting family who only can be bothered with us when it suits.

fuck your cousin she obviously isn’t as close as you thought if she’s not inviting you, uninvite her and enjoy your day with people who truly care and love you ❤️

One of my partners cousins got married a couple of years ago when I fell down the stairs the day before their wedding and broke my leg, I was never forgiven for this 🤣 even though I told my partner to go without me but he didn’t want to. Then we went to another family wedding a few weeks ago and the cousin whose wedding we missed was there and she just looked me up and down and said oh you can get to this wedding can you! So I just said Yeah cause breaking my leg is a great way of getting out of a wedding!

Maybe you need to send all your family formal invites and exclude your cousin for the time being till you get to bottom of why you haven’t been invited. You should send formal invites anyway just so it’s clear to everyone re dates, time and venue.

I would ask another family member to ask them if you’ve been invited and if not why not

Oh for goodness sake don't be a mug!

and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

how does this bit work? Are there pre invites that people rsvp to?

maybe they have excluded you for a reason? Are you getting married first?

Reject the evening do invite (if it ever comes) and uninvite them from your wedding.

Meet petty with petty.

Ah OP, I’m sorry, I’m sure the exclusion really stings.

At times like this I always advise to take yourself out of the equation and imagine this was a good friend coming to you with this conundrum. Or even better, your daughter:

If they had been excluded from a big family wedding with no initial explanation, what would you tell them to do? Swallow their hurt feelings and still invite the couple that had ruthlessly cut them out? I suspect you’d be raging on their behalf - but sometimes we can struggle to treat ourselves with the same love and respect that we would give our daughters, our mums, our friends. By imagining this happening to someone else, it allows you to sidestep those personal feelings and figure out what you’d tell someone else to do.

How will you feel seeing them in your wedding photos in the years to come? In your shoes, seeing them there would make me feel like a fool.

And also most gently, what would your dad tell you to do? What would he say about his niece cutting his daughter out of the wedding - would he tell you just to suck it up? Only you know what he’d have told you to do 💐 I say this also as someone who has lost their dad and is facing a tricky wedding dilemma about how to handle his absence, so I get how hard it is, I really do.

PP on here aren’t trying to kick you, they’re just angry on your behalf. Take the time you need to really think about how this all feels and the options you have available. What’s your DP’s thoughts on this?

I would make it widely and clearly known to all your aunts and uncles that you aren’t invited. It might make you feel a bit better if you see that they’re outraged on your behalf. Personally, I think I’d be “having to re-budget” for the wedding and cutting some unavoidable costs……. I also hope you haven’t invited them to your hen do!!

I am sorry, I know this is just really shitty for you 💐

I think it's lovely to want to have as many of your family there but the question is as they treating you like family?

Anyway since she is not on the bridal party (I misunderstood when you said vision for your wedding) you can keep them invited but at least you know where you stand with them.

Don't let this spoil the joy of planning and attending your own wedding. Enjoy.

I am not talking specifically about the op but these days people seem to be more narcissistic in the way they think, if I am not invited to something it meansd just that there is no thought of being 'excluded' same if my child is not invited same as we invie who we want only

People invite who they want to their events for their own reasons, it does not need to be a soap opera

So I invite someone and they dont invite me so life carry's

Every post she takes about this vision of family being there, she mentioned at the start she didn’t think she was invited but was still going to invite this cousin , then she found out her thoughts were correct and she maybe offered a bone in going to the evening event and she’s still not sure about her mother being invited

but all the way through her vision is this cousin, who has treated her badly in my book if all other family is invited, is to be invited to her wedding becasue if a vision

The cousin is not family, op is accepting what the cousin is doing to her despite many people saying she shouldnt so yes in my book shes being a doormat

she can sit and think on it for weeks but the facts are not going to change

Are they family though? They are obviously not interested in you or your mother, something you said in an earlier post you were worried about happening after your father died because of some hierarchy

they are making you feel awkward, family doesn’t do that,

they are offering you a bone of the evening event ( and I still maintain that’s only because others have pressured them) family doesn’t do that

they may well be excluding your mother family doesn’t do that

so they are not family are they, and it’s sad you can’t see that

Give her a break. She had literally only just heard that she's definitely not invited.

And no-one should rush in with decisions and vengeful actions straight away. OP doesn't have to make a single decision yet. Both weddings are far enough away to allow calm thinking time. Sleeping on it for a few weeks does not equal being a doormat.

Sorry you are being an absolute doormat. They have deliberately excluded you and possibly your mother, then my guess is family have kicked off hence the pathetic invite to the evening, I wouldn’t be going, they have showed you exactly how they feel about you

They may well have the date of your wedding saved but that’s does not mean you invite them, I would t after the way they have treated you and your mother. If they say anything I would throw back to them the same line they used to you

Unlike many on MN I'm usually quite happy with an evening invite and feel pleased to be included. However, I wouldn't in this situation. It really would be rubbing salt in the wound and I'm sorry your cousin is so rude and stupid.

I'm not kicking you whe you're down but sometimes we need direct words to shake us from slumber. People are advising you to stand up for yourself and you're going on about the vision for your wedding while also going on about how upset you are that they are doing this to you.

You need to ask them straight up, well it seems you've been told you, not sure if it was direct or not but you also have the right to let them know while it's their decision it definitely upsets you because you thought you were closer than that and leave it.

Its up to you to attend the evening party or not, I wouldn't. If you want to keep her in the wedding, I assume she's part of your bridal party when you're talking about wedding vision then that's on you, I wouldn't. I may leave them as guests but I wouldn't have anyone who treats me like this on my bridal party.

And frankly if things kick off and they are pressured maybe by family members to invite you, I would turn it down because it's obvious they don't want me there and I'm not charity case that needs a pity invite. I wouldn't go where someone has been forced or pressured to invite me.

I totally understand your feelings. It's awful, and your dad would be so upset and angry if he knew how you and your mum have been treated.

I honestly wouldn't know where to go with this. I'm generally very against tit for tat behaviour, so I'd suggest taking your time before making any decision regarding your wedding. But I can imagine that at some point soon you might want to have a conversation where you express your hurt at this seeming demotion within the family, apparently just because your father has died.

And yet you will not do anything about it because you don't want to "change the vision for your wedding" lol

Well at least they've thrown you a lifeline to attend the evening after they have personalized their real friends and family