AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

I think I would ask and even express hurt if that is what you feel. Otherwise, I can see this festering on at family gatherings for decades. Personally, I think it is acceptable to invite maybe one or two aunts/cousins and leave the rest out if you have a large family but leaving one family out creates unnecessary tension and hurt and for the sake of maybe four extra people at the wedding?

And the irony is that in twenty years time she'll probably still be coming to your parties (IF you continue to invite her of course) but a fair few of her more important than you wedding guests will be out of her life.

No chance I’d be going to the evening do.

This wouldn’t sit right with me and I’d have to ask why I wasn’t invited. Just have the conversation, ask gently but politely why you haven’t been invited, ask if you’ve upset her or offended her but do this directly, not through a third party.

U der no circumstances should you attend the evening do. Have some self respect!

OP, in answer to your question, you’re right to feel disappointed, but I don’t think you need to feel awkward - it’s not you doing the wrong thing. It’s so divisive to invite some cousins and not others - the fault lies fairly and squarely with your cousin and their spouse-to-be. And as far as inviting your cousin to your wedding is concerned, you are doing the right thing if you come from a large and close family - it’s your cousin who’s in the wrong, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t invite her to your wedding. I’m astonished that the cousin’s family haven’t said to her that she can’t not invite you because it would be so rude and pointed and indeed unkind after the death of your DF. Stick to your guns, OP: you’re doing the right thing, and while you are entitled to feel hurt by your cousin’s actions, you don’t need to feel awkward about it. I hope you have a fabulous wedding day, and that the sun shines for you.

Just caught up on all of your posts.
i’m So sorry, it’s awful when you find out you’re not as important to someone as they are to you. Happened to me several times and it really hurts x

Op, don’t hide from ANYONE that you aren’t invited; that you are very upset, you don’t understand why, and you won’t be uninviting her from yours because that wouldn’t feel right. Everyone will see how unreasonable she is.
i would say very clearly ‘like fuck am I accepting your ‘people are criticising me’ tacked on invite to your evening do.
people are criticising you because you’ve been frankly quite nasty and cowardly about it to boot.’

I had a party recently and afterwards I realised one friend and her family not only weren’t there but I don’t recall any communication saying they couldn’t make it.
obviously they were invited. Yet I fear I forgot to actually invite them!

I say this respectfully bearing in mind your earlier responses.

You insist cousin has to attend your wedding. I disagree but ......

If you attend her wedding evening do, you truly are being a push over

First of all I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. This must still be raw.
Yes I think she is being an enormous arse about this but presumably there is an aunt/uncle also involved unless she is planning it all alone.
When the other relatives ask you can say that you and your mum weren't invited and it was a huge disappointment after losing your dad.
Personally I wouldn't attend the evening do if invited. She has had some pressure from a relative and is throwing you a bone.
You are a better person than me as if my cousin had done this I would only send her an evening invite... Match the (dis) respect.

Yanbu that is proper awks. I'd first ask close family about it, then i'd ask her directly.

How does your Mum feel?

It’s hurtful, I hope your Mum is invited although in her shoes I would graciously decline the invite.
If you’re invited to the evening only then I personally would not go.
Sadly you have been shown that you are not as close as you thought, no cousin who was that close to you would allow you to be dropped in favour of work colleagues/uni friends.
If you don’t invite them to yours after telling them the date etc then you’re going to look vengeful and petty.
I would still invite them but phase them out from other aspects of your life before and totally afterwards.
I wouldn’t waste energy and time getting more upset, but I certainly wouldn’t accept a pity invite if they back track now.
Good luck with your own wedding.

I’d still invite her let her feel awkward on your wedding day . It’s a horrible thing to do though.

Nowadays people invite friends over family - it’s a traditional thing that it was two families coming together - that’s no longer the case. And if the other partner is a bridezilla and wants all her friends there there’s not room for all the family.
You see it more of a traditional family centred thing.

I agree with this - it would make your wedding day really weird and you’d be thinking about it too.
Edit - somehow I missed a quote which said you shouldn’t invite them!

I get this and I usually think like this too but similar to the op my dad also died last year and my cousin is getting married this year and she had invited the whole extended family apart from me, my sister and our families. And it hurts. It’s like now that my dad is no longer here we’re no longer part of the family. So I can understand why the OP is upset about it.

Hi op, you said cousin and wife excitedly accepted invitations from you so you don’t think they have a problem with you. Some people are just takers, they will avail themselves of your hospitality and get to have a celebration and great time not just with you but your mutual family and friends. I don’t know them but this is one take on it. How do you know about the evening invite? Was it actually direct from them?

I dont think this poster is kicking when your down. I think you should say "As you are not inviting me or my mum you are uninvited to my wedding as I just wanted close family and friends and realise that to you I am neither.
Im sure you will understand and hope you do take this personally."

I don’t have any advice but I understand the feeling. My siblings have been invited to my cousins wedding in September & I haven’t. No idea why & I won’t ask but it really stings. Thankfully I don’t have to see them all at another wedding close by but I think that must be incredibly difficult for you. Good for you being the bigger person & not changing your wedding plans as you want them there but it must really hurt!

What horrible behaviour, and especially on the back of losing your dad. I would plan some lovely days out for your own little family, including your mum, so that you are not stuck at home feeling sad for the key dates of celebration leading up to and including your cousin's wedding day. Be upfront and as mild as you can about it when talking to other family members - you have all been excluded and if they want any clarification on that they need to talk to your cousin directly. A begrudgingly given evening invite just doesn't cut it. And aren't you lovely to still want to include this nastily behaved couple in your own celebration? With every family member's hard eye on them for their own behaviour, especially towards your recently widowed mum, they going to have to behave.

That's really awful. It's as though they took advantage of your dad's death to start excluding you and your mum from family occasions.

You are obviously being the bigger person by refusing to uninvite your cousin and her fiancee. I couldn't be so restrained.

I would actually ask cousin outright what’s going on and say you feel hurt by this.

Oh this is very sad @worryingday and no wonder you're upset. It's tough when things like this show you what others think of you.

It sounds like your cousin's partner is a bit of a bridezilla.

Just don't go. And if you're asked why you weren't there, simply say "Oh, you'll have to ask Cousin X" about that, in as cheery and airily a manner as you can.

Why would you pay to have them at your wedding when they do not give two shits about you? I would uninvite them and I think you’re justified to. I think if you invite them, when you see them at your wedding, you’re just gonna get really hurt so I would have the people who care about you at your wedding. They’re just awful. I think the dreams of having some nice extended family and now over and you need to face reality. They have not bothered about hurting your feelings whatsoever. They could’ve said in the early days that they’re limited on numbers ot given some sort of excuse for not inviting you and your mum, but they’ve gone out their way to be liars. You are an absolute mug if you invite them to your wedding. Sorry. I appreciate it’s very hurtful, but they’re bastards.