AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

We were in the same position with BILs. They showed very little interest, despite whining about never seeing us, but whenever we tried to involve them, they had so many reasons and stipulations why they couldn’t come visit. Or when we said “don’t come between 12 and 2 as she will be napping” so they turned up at 11.30 and got pissed off we put her down for a nap at 12. We weren't going to have her turn into a sleepless demon just because they couldn’t meet a schedule.

MIL kept pushing us to “make an effort” which we did, but never pushed them to do the same. So eventually we told her we’d done our bit and if they wanted a relationship with her the ball was in their court, and she backed off. Our daughter is 17 now. She sees them occasionally when she visits MIL, but even then, they rarely strike up a conversation with her.

You cannot blame her for not being interested in children, until I had ds I wasn't interested in them either. My maternal instinctct just hadn't fired up.

You are all adults, she has her husband and her life, so probably busy, and you have your dcs and probably not interested in her.

My one hesitation is that your dh, her brother should keep in occasional contact in case her marriage hits the rocks and she needs help, but that only takes a few emails and a Xmas card each year.

Did your dh even grow up with her or was she a teen when he came along? It doesn’t sound like there is potential to be a close relationship regardless of your kids.

Absolutely. MIL is stirring the pit because SHE thinks there should be more connection.

What was your relationship with her like pre-babies? Unless you and your h were besties with her, I think you’re unreasonable to be angry.

I would match SIL’s energy and just see her every 6 months and expect nothing more. Some families are happy seeing each other twice a year while others see each other more. Ignore MIL’s shit stirring and enjoy the other auntie.

We just have a family WhatsApp and randomly stick pictures and things in. It’s quite nice, children are added so it’s very sweet and has silly memes and pictures of proms or school stuff

Surely you just accept that yourself and your SIL are two different people with nothing in common and have no relationship, other than you happen to be married to her brother. She doesn’t have to want to have a close relationship with your children. You don’t have to try foster a relationship between them.

I don’t think it’s that simple. Clearly sil feels the exact same way about the op as the op feels about her, the mil confirmed it. They both think the other isn’t interested,

Just ignore MIL and see SIL when you see her. It doesn’t seem necessary to decide not to see her at all. A lot of families work casually rather than always checking in on each other.

Clearly there is much more to this. As she’s thinking the same as you, but of you. So something is amiss here,

It’s up to your DH to maintain contact not you. If neither are interested no need to do anything yourself.

I get it. I felt the same about ex SIL. She made a big show now and then but made no effort if it wasn't about her.

I had both. A SIL who smiled benevolently on the rare occasion she saw mine but wanted no more contact than that and a brother fully involved. Neither was wrong - no one had the right to expect a certain level of input from family.
you reap what you sow though - both adult sibs have a brilliant relationship with one and literally never see the other
I’ll leave you to work out the obvious way round

Believe me your children are not as interesting or wonderful as you think they are.

I have had two kids who are now adults and I am not even that interested in other people's young children, including family member's. I find them much more enjoyable when they get to 7/8 or so. I wouldn't cut anyone out of my life just because they aren't interested in my kids. I am my own person and I can have adult friendships that has nothing to do with my kids.

SIL isn’t really interested. I think you have a MIL problem. She needs to wind her neck in.

But why would she want to be, to be controversial? I helped bring up some family members, but I am really not interested in their dc, having moved away and never been involved with them.

Obviously, your dc are the most (should be) important thing for YOU and you're involved with the other in-laws, but I see both points of view-she doesn't want involvement, you do.

Being asked to be godparent, unless you're all very religious and take it super seriously, is a gesture these days. My dh isn't even in touch with some of his godchildren any longer, life moves on.

Accept that she's not going to be nor does she want to be heavily involved. It's not a horrible thing for her to do, it's just that she's clearly not particularly bothered.

I think you’re being a tad obtuse / self-absorbed here.

The first clue as to why she wouldn’t want to be more involved is her own lack of children - this indicates that either (1) she’s not fussed about kids or possibly (2) she’s tried to have them but can’t. In both cases, can’t you imagine why she wouldn’t want to hang out with them, even if they’re family? You can’t assume that everyone wants to be involved with your kids - obviously you do, hence having them, but there are plenty of people who don’t enjoy spending time with small children, and that’s okay. She’s busy living her life & she’s not being unpleasant, as far as I can tell, so leave her be….

why wouldn’t she want to be? I just simply don’t get it

Quite simply, because our children aren't nearly as interesting to other people as they are to us.

This is particularly true of those at a different life stage who opted out of the whole childrearing thing.

You made them godparents, which they graciously accepted, and presumably they send Christmas presents etc. That's pretty much all that's required. Everything else is down to personal preference.

There is nothing nice about saying someone doesnt have much else going on in their life and they are boring. I've kids and life is hectic but I've no doubt there are people looking at me thinking that life isnt for them or sadly wasn't meant to be. Be kinder with your words.