AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

OP has it occurred to you that posting photos of your DC online and accepting to be god parents may have been done for appearances sake, to please you, or at least appear interested in your DC even if they are not?

As much as you think their lives are boring, they likely think your lives filled with small children are also dull.

I can’t remember the last time I texted my sil about her children maybe Christmas for present ideas. I mean why would I? If I needed to know something about them then she can tell me. If we were arranging a meet up dh can text his sister.

Sounds like your sil did her time raising your dh likely why she hasn’t had children as many who have been parentified decide they do not want children and would rather a boring just existing life as you called it.

Mil shit stiring is likely because she knows dh is closer to his other half sister and it boils her piss.

@Whatthefork1 Well if you don't want a relationship with her you don't have to do anything really. She made it pretty clear she's not keen on you or your children so that's about it. No need to make a big deal about it, just accept it for what it is.

Just leave it, she's not interested in your family, and you're not interested in her and her DH. That's fine, you're allowed to be uninterested in each other!

Your MIL is another issue entirely.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too.

Your DH's response was perfect, she can't control your relationships like this, thank goodness he's willing to push back.

Did you overdo it with the contact initially? I saw my relatives monthly when their children were small and gave them what was to me a lot of help - helping with bathtimes, babysitting so they could go out, getting up early with their kids if I stayed over so they could have a lie in. I had a full time job and my own life so this wasn’t an insignificant amount of my free time even once a month.

After a few years of being used like
this and no appreciation for my own life, priorities or offering me any support, I cut back on contact. I needed to get on with my life and my job had got busier. I felt like they assumed I wanted to be in their life because they had children.

You seem to be expecting a whole lot more effort from her than you’re prepared to put in. Only 1 out of 4 times you have seen her was going to her so it’s not like you’re constantly going out of your way to see her.
Yes, it’s really weird to say you just don’t want anything to do with someone because you feel they don’t see you enough.

I must be honest. I think you are expecting a lot. They are not her children they are yours. Not everyone is as attached to them as you are. She does not have any of her own. You cannot force someone to fawn over your kids. They are the centre of you and your husbands universe. If you feel her behaviour warrants to be cut off from you, then so be it. But, I am actually having a hard time understanding exactly what she has done wrong. Apart from not involving herself in your childrens lives! It really all sounds quite petty and immature.

Do you know if they wanted children? Perhaps they had fertility issues?

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Yes, you are being massively unreasonable.. not everything revolves around you and your children and you hardly have a relationship with them now, so why would you even bother doing this if not to spite them for not worshipping your children? What your MIL thinks or suggests to your DH is separate to what SIL actually feels, it is HER that wants them to be closer.

My DH barely sees his siblings and they only ever show an interest in our daughter at birthdays/xmas, we get on great when we see them, but he doesn't have a close relationship with them at all, so I wouldn't expect them to be close with our children, because why would they?? In comparison, I'm close with my sisters and we all make a massive effort with each others kids, always meeting up, seeing each other, making plans etc .. if it was left to DH he wouldn't bother as it is just not how he is, without turning it into a sexist debate, I think it is because he is a bloke, and most the blokes in our wider family and people I know socially could absolutely take or leave spending times with their siblings and children.

IMO the adult relationship very much dictates the child relationship, if DH and his sister are not close then she won't be close to your children either.. don't punish her for that.

It's very common to resent having been parentified and made to parent your sibling/s.

Obviously it's her parents who are to blame for this, but it's extremely common for older siblings who were put in this position to resent the sibling they were made to parent and also not to be keen on being made responsible for anyone else's children ever again.

I used to work in children's social care and where minor age older siblings had been parentified due to largely absent (but still living) parents they often cut contact once old enough to leave. Not always obviously..

Some people just find small children hard work, OP. I'm one of them, which is why I'm childfree by choice. I found them much harder as I got older and, tbh, I don't find them very interesting.

Once they're into double figures, it's a whole different matter. I find older children and (especially) teenagers much more interesting and engaging. I'm the favourite aunty of a couple of my nieces and was the person they trusted and would tell things to that they didn't want to tell their parents. There were at least 2 occasions when I supported them to tell their parents stuff they would otherwise have been afraid to disclose. I'm closer to them now they're in their 20s and 30s than I ever was when they were under 12 or so. Your SIL may be similar.

And you're being very judgey to describe her life as "just existing". For all you know, she may be someone who likes a quiet life and is perfectly happy chilling at home.

You could arrange child free eg meals out with them and give up on the family stuff. Catch up and get to know them better that way.
im a DGM and spend a lot of time with my DGCs but no other DCs
Once your children are late teens or adults they might find they share an interest/ enjoy the odd bbq /xmas with young adults.
I would not push the family stuff

Especially the op saying she lives a boring life with not much going on. There are other ways to live.

It's the social media that would really piss me off here. I get that not everyone is interested in kids but to show barely any interest whilst posting photos on social media to pretend to the world that you're an involved family member with a meaningful relationship is entitled as fuck.

Some people just aren't interested in children. Especially small children who you can't have a proper conversation with. Many of us tolerate "you be the mummy and I'll be a horse" games with our own children but wouldn't ever want to play with other children. She doesn't have children of her own which is a fairly clear sign they are not that important to her.

I think you're being unfair to her really, the expectation that she "should" be interested in the unreasonable bit. She's not interested. She doesn't want to be involved. That doesn't mean she's a bad person.

Similar but the other way round here. My OH never made any contact with his family unless I gingered him up a bit. After a while I asked myself why I was bothering - so I stopped.

Just let it wash by you. They either want to be involved with your and yours or not. Either way I can't think you are short of things to do!!

Ah just live and let live. We're all different. I don't care if my extended family don't want to see my kids. Other peoples kids are kinda boring

I have a friend I've recently stepped back from because I was the only one who ever got in touch, and I'm really fed up with it. I deleted her number but didn't block it, so she can still get in touch with me. If she does, I'll be glad and will respond, but I just cannot keep reaching out. So I understand how you feel. I think if you get nothing back, the only way is to stop. Doesn't mean you have to fall out, just that you stop taking part in a one-way street.

It’s not that she SHOULD be, it’s more a question of - why wouldn’t she want to be?

To be fair, there are some kids I wouldn't want to spend much time with.

Obviously their parents love them but they're not everyone's cup of tea.

YANBU. Sil should not be taking pics of your DC and posting them on social media. I do hope she's taken them down. Is she child-free by choice which might explain her lack of interest in your DC? Either way, many people aren't interested in other people's children. If you don't particularly like her and don't have much in common, why on earth bother? Also, it sounds a bit like because you made her godparent you want gratitude and involvement from her but she really doesn't have to play ball. I'm surprised she accepted given the lack of interest. Do you think she felt she had to?

Its a very child centric view of life to think people should want to hang out with your kids. Perhaps they think kids are boring, much as you seem to think they too are dull

I has zero interest in children when my nephew was born. I still made the effort to see him as often as I could, despite living 200 miles away.

This post nails it.

Im sorry but I had a SIL like you, thought I should be more involved in my nephews lives.

She also did what you are suggesting and cut off contact to punish us.The only people who this hurt the most are my nephews. Although I see them now they are older I don't have a bond with them.

Enjoy your children, make them your World but don't expect the same from others