AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

Clara is a mess. The OP is unwise to let her around her children unsupervised. Friends are people we like, not people who help out.

You accused a PP of not being able to diagnose over the internet. But you're quite happy to say a diagnosis is wrong. Based on your reckons. People do receive incorrect diagnoses but her screaming slamming crying and triangulating does sound more EUPD than autistic meltdown.

And I am very very experienced with both. Before you say I'm ignorant.

Steph sounds less blameless than the original OP. But not a grade A bitch like PP said.

How can you trust to to have sole care of your children given all that you have said about her on this thread @Ricecrispiesatsix ?

Clara needs professional help for her issues, especially the emotional outbursts, kind or not she sounds severely unhappy,

I don’t blame Steph for phasing her out, time is precious, if she doesn’t want to spend her time around Clara and is drained thats her choice

Steph may be nice to have around but Clara is your true friend, she helps you a lot.

Being neuro divergent doesn't derseve the ridicule and comments on here, just shows how horribly, pathetically judgey some people are.

Are there other groups like the one you currently attend? Could you start your own?

I'd probably move slightly away from Steph, she's self absorbed and lacks empathy. We all want an easy life, but at the expense of someone who needs positive direction and support would not be a route I'd choose.

I knew a mum friend like Clara. Had to cut her loose for my mental health. I’ve had her regale and entire room on my birthday about the day her father died (20 odd years ago), the death not my birthday. Everything had to be about her and other conversations withered on the vine when she was around. I’m pleasant and chatty to her and have been in her company in larger
groups since that time. That was about two years ago. She has had the same thing happen to her endless times since and worn other people out, till they too stepped away. It’s all very well being there for a person in need and I love a deep and meaningful as much as the next man. Selfishly though somtimes I just want to put on a fancy frock, talk shite, dance, neck champagne and have fun. Think I might be team Steph.

Why should she subject herself any further to Clara, who isn’t likely to take the news well and react accordingly?

She doesn’t owe Clara anything.

I’ve been in your position. My Clara systemically upset everyone in our friendship group . She caused drama after drama . She is also NC with most of her family . I made the decision to stay Friends with her and our group and separated the two but only after a rather miserable trip to a spa for my birthday with all of them that I paid for in full . Clara did indeed manage to spoil the dynamics of the group that day and I ended up alone a lot because the group stayed fractured most of the day . We had lunch all together but even that was tense . Like I said, this was before I made the decision to separate our frindships not after .
My Clara has continued to go on about how betrayed she feels that I kept up my other friendships and even said she was prepared to dump me because of it !
I have a lot of love for my own particular Clara but she pulled a stunt very recently which means I’ve given up and I’m withdrawing from our friendship .

No doubt , I will be labelled a bad friend and the biggest disappointment of all ( a phrase she has already used about me ) . I just don’t want to “manage” her anymore so I’ll join the ranks with all the other disappointing friends she seems to collect .

Good luck with your own Clara . I’m not surprised your other friend didn’t invite her .

And I wouldn't shout and swear at one of my friends after they sat up with me until 2am every bloody night for months whilst I was crying- THAT is nasty and ABUSIVE behaviour! See how respect works both ways here? 🙄

Dont abuse your friends (or anyone) and they wont want to exclude you - simple really. Noone and I mean NOONE should be putting up with abuse from people who are meant to care about them.

Clara just sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sick of people blaming their antisocial and rubbish behaviour on Neurodivergence.
Get over it.
You know you want to go to the party.
Just go and stop looking for affirmation.

I did 2 years ago and I still get her trying to initiate contact and it’s awful. It makes me feel sick every time as I have seen her scream and shout all of my life.
The last thing she did was absolutely horrendous. I can’t even begin to say but I eventually went to therapy as it traumatised me. And I’m not being attention-seeking but it was keeping me awake.
I used to feel very sorry for her but now I feel she’s also a bit dangerous.
I don’t think OP’s Clara is in the same league, but I would be very wary over a close friendship with my child.
The person I feel for here is OP because it’s like Clara’s wellbeing is her job.

She did mention her friends problems,

I wouldn't dare tell someone who behaved like Clara that I didn't want to be friends anymore because they'd inevitably start with the very abusive behaviour that drove me away in the first place.

I think trying to negotiate around life is difficult isn’t it, when you are basically a human being wanting some connection?
We all have own traits, some of which we can manage and there is clearly some that, for some people, can’t be.
It is clear that Clara had extreme rejection sensitivity, on her own behalf and behalf of others that she things are wronged. At one point that was OP. And yet she’s lashed out and rejected OP when she did not get what she wanted.
I don’t think Steph was wrong not to invite Clara. If Clara was called Clive and we read about screaming and shouting the reaction would be don’t invite this man, it’s abusive behaviour. It is wrong to leave someone out, out of spite, but this is not spite.
OP here is actually the one who had been wronged as she’s done nothing wrong. She’s tried her best, she values Clara, and last night on her own home she’s tried to be measured and been hurt instead.
The question is what does she do next? My version of Clara posted a Christmas card through my door after an incident like this at 5 in the morning and rattled the letterbox. She has done it several times since.
After knowing my Clara for close to 6 decades I can no longer do it. My health and wellbeing can no longer stand the last thing she did. I realised I have been placating her all of my life - we aren’t close friends but I’ve known her most of my life - and she’s been railroading me for as long as I remember.
When it was over I also realised while she had been bullied during her life, she was also bullying me for periods of it, including almost forcing her way into my home, spreading gossip about me, asking family members for information about me.
When I changed my phone number at some point and didn’t add her on anything she stopped me in person and said you may as well give me your new number I know you’ve got one so I will just bully it out if you. She said this in front of another friend, who was horrified.
I am sorry for Clara but sometimes the behaviours others bring become too much.

OK, sure, but is it really more do socially correct to inform a social acquaintance that you are cutting off the relationship entirely? This happens all the time in looslely constructed social groups—how often do we see people here complaining that they were not invited to a Hen Do or inly invited to the evening part of a wedding? The bride is never expected to call each person personally and explain her reasoning unless we are talking very close family relationships. This is not even that.

Steph handled things poorly. But so what? This isn’t a court of law and social relationships are more fluid than that. Steph may have been trying to detangle herself subtly for a while. I don’t think she was obligated to notify Clara that she wasn’t getting an invite to the party and I frankly can’t see how that would be mire kind or socially correct than just holding the party snd expecting Clara to recognize yhat she is a hobby acquaintance and not an intimate friend.

Yes and it sounds like these people are reaching their limits with this inappropriate behaviour. It's a hard lesson, that I'm sure a lot of us have had to learn, that most people will try to be kind and sympathetic to a crying person but push it too far and people will give up on you.

If Steph doesn’t want to play any more, you’re right, it’s not a child’s playground. Steph is an adult with strong boundaries and adults can state their life choices. Steph has chosen not to state her boundary to Clara. I think we all know that five year olds can say they don’t want to play any more.

I wonder why Clara blows up at Steph, who excludes her from WhatsApp chats and then lies about it?

I have had to deal with some Claras in my life. Whatever the diagnosis they are extremely hard to deal with when you don’t give them what they want, when they want. OP feels comfortable serving Clara’s emotional needs and has folded her into her family, she accepts Claras gift of care when her ankle was broken and her assistance with childcare.

But OP is going to find that Clara can not accept normal boundaries. Look out when OP’s children are old enough not to want to accept Clara’s gift of time and attention. She is demonstrating a complete disinterest in restraining her disappointment (here with Steph) and she isn’t going to grow in self control without a strong commitment.

Im not arguing she doesn’t have a right to feel hurt. But so what? That doesn’t give her the right to cause a scene and curse and shout. Steph doesn’t want to play anymore. This isn’t a child’s playground where teacher makes everybody play.

The hobby club and the friendship group are in the real world.

I don’t know if people in their late 30s send out party invitations these days. It’s more of a primary school thing. The clue for Clara was that the others in the WhatsApp group were all busy with something else when she wanted to meet up and the common denominator was the party. She must have got the message that having meltdowns means she isn’t invited to events. Since she can’t help having the meltdowns, it’s like a wheelchair user getting the message when the party is in a top floor flat with no lift access.

It’s the impression I have received from some posts on this thread. I’m not projecting as far as I know - it’s decades since I’ve cried at a party.

@Ricecrispiesatsix I think this is more about the messenger getting the blame. You’ve done nothing wrong by attending the party or by explaining the non-invitation to Clara, who seems to have a strong sense of justice rather than being manipulative.

We don’t know if Clara still has the diagnosis of EUPD. Many autistic women receive this diagnosis before their autism diagnosis. Yes, autistic people can be manipulative and they can be manipulated. Clara sounds very troubled and I don’t think this situation will have helped her mental health, because the people she trusted who don’t have mental health problems left her to work it out for herself that she wasn’t invited to the party. The OP was the only one kind enough to explain this to Clara.

Dont allow clara to isolate you. Go and enjoy the party.