AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

There’s no information you need to know if you are not invited to something.

Inclusion in everything someone else does is not the default.

If someone wants you to do something with them, they will invite you.

Most of us have friends who will invite us to some things and not others - and friends we invite to some things and not others. We don’t need to tell everyone what we’re doing socially at all times, and what they are or are not invited to.

Not receiving an invitation is surely 'loud enough' to tell her she wasn't invited. If you're throwing a party, do you tell every person that you aren't inviting that you aren't inviting them? I imagine that's quite time consuming.

@Ricecrispiesatsix

I feel that maybe I was insensitive and didn’t handle the conversation well.

Don't start blaming yourself. You know what Clara's like. If you'd said something in the most anodyne language, in an angel whisper and presented it on a silk cushion decorated with diamonds and unicorn tears she would STILL have taken it badly. She will not accept anything less than total support and sympathy, and subjugation to her wants.

Now there may well be diagnosed reasons for her being like that but she can't just say 'that's the way I am' and expect everyone else to fall in line. I think you did the right thing. How Clara reacts is up to her.

You just don't invite them. The absence of an invitation communicates that they're not invited.

Yes I have, but not since I was 17? 18?

Do you know Clara well, or are you making inferences from the OP’s posts?

It's fine to exclude people, though. In this case it's entirely sensible and understandable. Steph has clearly dealt with a lot of Clara's failure to manage her own poor MH down the years, including being the target of many of the meltdowns.

She reached her limit. She doesn't need to give an exit interview to someone whose solipsism extends to not understanding why crying till the early hours at social occasions or needing to be babysat in the hall at hobby evenings are not things most people want to be around.

We have all dealt with mentally ill friends or family at some point. My best friend of almost 30 years is severely anorexic, and I have spent more time than I can count watching her waste away in front of her horrified children, grow fur on her skeletal limbs, phone me from the edge of a cliff in another country, and being hospitalised because her organs are shutting down. Dealing in her 40s with health stuff normally associated with women in their 70s. The difference is that she takes responsibility for it, has put all her considerable will and intelligence into therapy and coping mechanisms, and recognises the toll it takes on those who love her.

Clara is clearly too ill to take any responsibility for her own life, and for mitigating the negative impact her illness has on other people.

100% who hasn’t had that friend, the total drama queen who makes everything about them.

Is Clara meant to sense by some sort of intuition that she’s not invited?

Clara doesn’t care about hurting people’s feelings which is one of the reasons this whole scenario has come about. She thinks she can lash out at people, ruin their hobby time and dictate which parties they’re allowed to go to and still insist the people she’s hurt are friends with her.

That’s a fair boundary which you have clearly communicated rather than ghosting your friend. If she wants to withdraw, that’s her choice.

You don't, it's not necessary.

Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

I can understand why she's hurt but I cannot understand why she's 'confused'??

She literally turns up at hobby clubs and social events just to spend that time crying, and taking everyone away from the hobby/event.

And she's confused as to why she's been excluded you say?

How do you communicate to someone that they’re not invited without telling them?

I have a long term friend of 15 years who has EUPD/BPD.

I have spent 15 years answering 3am calls, going with them to a&e when they’ve slashed their arms up, comforted them when they’ve been suicidal, been there through screaming, storming out, throwing things, huge meltdowns.

I have now completely stepped back from the friendship and only now agree to meet them for coffee or dinner in public places and when they’ve not been drinking.

It was ruining and taking over my own life. I developed an anxiety order over their issues. I’m done.

Ive told them I will support them with accessing DBT or trauma therapy, but I will no longer be their therapist. I’ll meet up as chilled friends once a month but no more.

They now want nothing to do with me which I’m not surprised by, following the same pattern of all their other friends. It’s very sad, but I’m no longer willing to give up my own sanity to support them.

I have several autistic relatives, so I don’t see Clara’s behaviour as manipulative. If that makes me seem virtuous, so be it.

She didn't invite Clara. That's all that she needed to communicate. She's not obliged to tell Clara she's not invited!

I would t want Clara around my kids for a start. Imagine her kicking off like this at a family gathering. She needs help. Not invited to parties.

So why leave it until a few days before for someone else to communicate the decision to exclude Clara? Steph knows when her birthday is and could have given Clara plenty of notice. After all, Steph has strong boundaries.

It sounds like bullshit to me, virtue signalling and #bekind nonsense.

So Clara and Steph have repeatedly clashed, and Steph no longer wants to continue a friendship that brings constant drama to her literal doorstep. Clara isn’t entitled to treat Steph poorly because of her neurodivergence, and she isn’t entitled to Steph’s friendship.

It doesn’t sound like Steph has treated Clara badly here either, she’s just withdrawn herself. It isn’t reasonable of Clara to expect you take sides, or cut off Steph over something that has nothing to do with you.

That’s what I think as well - Clara is feeling excluded because she has literally been excluded from a party. If OP reminds Clara that she and Clara are still friends, Clara still has a friend. It would have been kinder for Steph to explain to Clara rather than leaving it to OP.

I am two decades on from you and finally had to take myself out of my ‘Clara’s’ life.
It was exhausting and affecting my own health.
It might be difficult to be friends with both but you can if that’s what you wish.
It sounds like Clara is happiest with your family any way. I do feel for her, she is probably lonely, but shouting and screaming at people is hard.

I think it would be a pretty rare person who was happy for their small birthday party in their garden to be dominated by someone crying for hours, needing to be babysat and have her repetitive monologues listened to by one of the other guests, punctuated only by the possibility of a meltdown which would involve her shouting, swearing and storming out.

That’s my impression from the posts, but I don’t personally know the people involved - no one on this thread except OP does. So, respectfully, I can conjecture without hurting Steph’s feelings. I’m all about not hurting people’s feelings.