Page 4 | AIBU to expect MIL to arrange DH’s 50th birthday gift herself?

WithTwoGiantBoys · 2026-07-15T18:37:21+00:00

It's a MIL one. DH turns 50 next week, MIL has messaged me to ask me to choose, schedule, book and pay for an experience gift for him, she doesn't mind what it is up to a certain budget. I'm working full time and work is absolutely manic, I haven't even sorted out what I am getting him (for complicated reasons I am conflicted about getting him anything at all), so aibu for thinking that as she has been retired for 20 years she has time to sort this out herself?

Snugs10 · 15/07/2026 22:01

How about English Heritage or National Trust joint membership and buy it between the pair of you

KarmenPQZ · 15/07/2026 21:50

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 19:49

I already tried batting it back yesterday but she has followed up to ask if it is sorted now. I did suggest something but she didn't want to get that. I just feel.like I haven't got space in my head to even think about it! I'm so tired and we don't have a holiday booked yet and the only window we can have it in is from next week so that needs to be a bit of a priority.

Tempted to just buy an experience voucher to give to him and he can do all the scheduling!

I'm finding it very difficult to find the words to politely tell her to do it herself, she doesn't like me as it is...

If not a voucher. Then for sure something you’d enjoy can enjoy too. Sporting tickets? Spa day? Stately home and afternoon tea? Concert tickets? Art gallery?
shamelessly take all the glory and maybe even pass it off as a joint present from both you and MIL so you don’t need to do anything yourself?

44PumpLane · 15/07/2026 21:48

To be fair, if she doesn't like you anyway you lose nothing by saying no! And honestly it might be the gateway for you to feel empowered moving forward to take no shit.

"MIL, you're going to have to sort DH's gift yourself, I don't have the time at the minute as I mentioned the other day."

ExBert80 · 15/07/2026 21:46

Stop being a martyr and get him naff all. If his mother wants to get him something tell her assertively she needs to arrange it. If she doesn’t manage it, tough. I read on here the other day that not being a door mat is a life skill they should teach at school. For females that should be taught alongside details about the menstrual cycle. It’s that important.

mondaytosunday · 15/07/2026 21:44

My in laws wanted to know exactly what to get the kids down to the catalog number. I mean his hard is it to get a present for a young boy or girl?
Just tell her a firm ‘no’, you do not have time!

Northernlights73 · 15/07/2026 21:43

We met a couple on the train last week going up to London from Exeter on an incredibly hot day because they only had one more week left to use their "cream tea on a Southbank boat" experience which they had already extended by one year. Dont buy an experience!!!

30DegreesHighAndRising · 15/07/2026 21:42

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:01

Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

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In that case, don't get him anything from either you or on behalf of his mother. Or take him out to dinner somewhere you enjoy.

Northernlights73 · 15/07/2026 21:40

I would type a note saying experience to the value of xxx.
And get her to trf the amount.
Done

Thundertoast · 15/07/2026 21:28

mugglemother · 15/07/2026 20:11

Is she very elderly ? My MIL has become increasingly reliant on us ‘can you just get X,Y,Z for DC/DH from me and wrap it and give it to them’. Fair enough if it’s online as she isn’t confident enough to purchase, but for things in the shop, it’s really annoying as she frequently goes shopping and we will provide ideas & suggestions including mainstream vouchers and things well within her budget. In the scenario given I would just go back and say sorry I hadn’t realised how busy I am at work this week but here’s the number/website for you to book whatever you think DH will enjoy’. It’s a slippery slope and once you’ve done it once it’s very hard to get out of it the next time so I would definitely knock that one on the head ASAP

I think the suggested message here is perfect! Clear and polite.

MimiSunshine · 15/07/2026 21:26

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:01

Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

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Nah, fuck him. He didn’t bother for your 40th or 50th. Get him a card and that’s it. If he comments, just laugh.

as for MIL. Just tell you don’t have time to do all the planning and booking for her. She’ll have to do it herself.
if she doesn’t like you, doing all the work won’t magically change that anyway.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/07/2026 21:26

What did you say to ‘bat it back’
to her that made her reply asking if you’d done it yet?

I’d reply being really clear you won’t be helping. Don’t suggest anything either. I’d be tempted to say that he doesn’t really do birthdays anyway!

If he didn’t get you anything for your 50th or 40th, I wouldn’t get him a bean-how mean :(

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/07/2026 21:26

What a weird relationship
he gets you nothing for your birthdays and you're stress about what you're buying for him and potentially also buying his mother's present for him too
maybe skip buying presents and use the money for some self help books

venusandmars · 15/07/2026 21:25

I forward the responsibility to your dh.

"Your Mum wants to get you something. I want to get you something. You can choose it and organise it xx"

Then reply to MIL "dh is going to choose and organise something himself. He'll let you know what it is and how much."

mugglemother · 15/07/2026 21:22

Oops, sorry about the multiple posts

nomas · 15/07/2026 21:21

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:01

Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

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It’s not wrong or horrible.

Why do women do this to themselves.

Just match his energy.

Go out that day and get him nothing.

Tell MIL you don’t have tome to sort this for her.

Wizardonabroom · 15/07/2026 21:19

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:01

Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

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Absolutely reasonable excuse not to get him anything. Alternatively, like someone previously suggested, you give him something that benefits you, such as a weekend break away at a lovely hotel of your choice with the types of facilities you enjoy.

ShishKofte · 15/07/2026 21:16

'Sorry MIL, I haven't booked a thing myself yet.let alone thinking of second gifts... But Bradley likes penguins, Mille Bobby Brown and vodka if that helps?

TheFormerMrsTruelove · 15/07/2026 21:15

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:01

Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

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A card and a pair of socks. It makes the point, but you’ve marked it, which is more than he has done for you.

And if your MiL doesn’t like you anyway, then why on earth do you give a shit whether she gets pissed off with you? If she messages you again, just tell her that no, it’s not sorted because you simply don’t have capacity to take on the mental load for anyone else, so she’ll have to do it herself or put some money in a card for him.

RandomMess · 15/07/2026 21:11

Just tell MIL she needs to sort it with him, he’s her son.

Original poster

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:07

Clarabell77 · 15/07/2026 20:25

Surely you could book something in the time it would take you to post on here, read the comments and respond to your MIL telling her to do it herself.

You should book something you would enjoy too though.

Not really, it's a nightmare scheduling anything for him, especially "as a surprise".

And researching and booking an experience for someone who doesn't really want anything takes a lot of thought, while commenting here really doesn't (although maybe it should!).

OP posts:

Original poster

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 21:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2026 20:53

Because if it's that he didn't get you anything, I'd tell MIL you'll not get him 2 when he got you 0.

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Yeah, he didn't bother getting me anything for mine, I was so hurt (he also didn't get anything for my 40th, I told him then that I was upset) that part of me wants to not get him anything in revenge but that just feels horrible and wrong and not the kind of person I am or want to be so it's all a mess in my head.

OP posts:

Wheelz46 · 15/07/2026 21:01

Just reply saying, 'sorry not got a clue but whatever you decide to get, I'm sure x will love it'

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2026 20:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2026 20:49

What are the complicated reasons?

Because if it's that he didn't get you anything, I'd tell MIL you'll not get him 2 when he got you 0.

Andshesoffatatrot · 15/07/2026 20:53

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 19:49

I already tried batting it back yesterday but she has followed up to ask if it is sorted now. I did suggest something but she didn't want to get that. I just feel.like I haven't got space in my head to even think about it! I'm so tired and we don't have a holiday booked yet and the only window we can have it in is from next week so that needs to be a bit of a priority.

Tempted to just buy an experience voucher to give to him and he can do all the scheduling!

I'm finding it very difficult to find the words to politely tell her to do it herself, she doesn't like me as it is...

So what the problem then, this won’t win her round. Say no, I don’t have the capacity I’m working full time. You will need to organise this yourself.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 15/07/2026 20:51

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 19:49

I already tried batting it back yesterday but she has followed up to ask if it is sorted now. I did suggest something but she didn't want to get that. I just feel.like I haven't got space in my head to even think about it! I'm so tired and we don't have a holiday booked yet and the only window we can have it in is from next week so that needs to be a bit of a priority.

Tempted to just buy an experience voucher to give to him and he can do all the scheduling!

I'm finding it very difficult to find the words to politely tell her to do it herself, she doesn't like me as it is...

What did you say to “bat it back”? You obviously weren’t firm enough.

Send a text if it’s easier - “No I haven’t sorted anything because as I was trying to say before, I’m going to have to leave this to you to sort out Brenda as I am so short on time, especially at the moment. I’m sure you understand”.