AIBU to expect MIL to arrange DH’s 50th birthday gift herself?

WithTwoGiantBoys · 2026-07-15T18:37:21+00:00

It's a MIL one. DH turns 50 next week, MIL has messaged me to ask me to choose, schedule, book and pay for an experience gift for him, she doesn't mind what it is up to a certain budget. I'm working full time and work is absolutely manic, I haven't even sorted out what I am getting him (for complicated reasons I am conflicted about getting him anything at all), so aibu for thinking that as she has been retired for 20 years she has time to sort this out herself?

CountessBinface · 20/07/2026 01:48

Tell her he'd really appreciate a session with a marriage counsellor.

30DegreesHighAndRising · 20/07/2026 00:57

Does she know that you booked and paid for the gift on her behalf?
If so, and she hasn't paid, then the whole thing sounds very manipulative, and we can only assume that she really does dislike you and enjoy messing you about.

At least you know, and can adjust your relationship accordingly.

ClayPotaLot · 19/07/2026 20:14

WithTwoGiantBoys · 19/07/2026 12:19

So, in the end she seemed.to go along with a thing I suggested (if you're really sure, it isn't the sort of thing we'd have thought of) so I booked it, but she then decided to buy a voucher for something else so I guess I have got him a present after all! At least it's something for both of us.

That’s really awful of her. Ask her for the money anyway. She can give him two things.

LightlyRoamingOcelots · 19/07/2026 15:08

WithTwoGiantBoys · 19/07/2026 12:19

So, in the end she seemed.to go along with a thing I suggested (if you're really sure, it isn't the sort of thing we'd have thought of) so I booked it, but she then decided to buy a voucher for something else so I guess I have got him a present after all! At least it's something for both of us.

That's a really shitty thing for her to do, railroading you into spending your own money on something you didn't want. What a horrible person.

Still it gives you a watertight reason to refuse in future "last time you asked me to get involved you changed your mind after I had spent a lot of money on your behalf and I was out of pocket. You'll need to make your own arrangements this time:

IamHelene · 19/07/2026 15:05

EdinaTheConfessor · 15/07/2026 20:07

My mum does this for my kids Christmas and birthday presents. Plus getting me to wrap them for her.

I once suggested cash for DS1 and she had the audacity to say no she didn’t want to make it look like she hadn’t made the effort. Well you haven’t ever made the effort I have!!!

I can understand how this feels in normal circumstances but I do ask for help because I have MS. My DH says I should give everyone money but it would make me feel that I was

99bottlesofkombucha · 19/07/2026 15:00

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 19/07/2026 14:44

Wait, so you booked and paid for it and then she backed out? And you’ve just accepted that? Or have I misunderstood?

Show quote history

This!!
please next time just repeat ad infinitum ‘I’m sure you’ll think of something.’ And do NOTHING

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 19/07/2026 14:44

WithTwoGiantBoys · 19/07/2026 12:19

So, in the end she seemed.to go along with a thing I suggested (if you're really sure, it isn't the sort of thing we'd have thought of) so I booked it, but she then decided to buy a voucher for something else so I guess I have got him a present after all! At least it's something for both of us.

Wait, so you booked and paid for it and then she backed out? And you’ve just accepted that? Or have I misunderstood?

Original poster

WithTwoGiantBoys · 19/07/2026 12:19

So, in the end she seemed.to go along with a thing I suggested (if you're really sure, it isn't the sort of thing we'd have thought of) so I booked it, but she then decided to buy a voucher for something else so I guess I have got him a present after all! At least it's something for both of us.

OP posts:

Saltandvinegarchipstick · 19/07/2026 11:30

This is so funny. I kind of love your mum.

Saltandvinegarchipstick · 19/07/2026 11:29

This. You have too much on.

Sunnyday4787866 · 19/07/2026 10:16

Tell her to go online and buy a red letter day or Virgin experience voucher and then post it to him

tartyflette · 19/07/2026 09:42

My late DM had form for this, one Christmas she handed me a M&S jumper and wrapping paper with instructions to wrap it but don’t look at it. It was for me.

Aabbcc1235 · 19/07/2026 09:05

I think it’s ok to be really honest with mil here. She’s his mum, you’re not slagging him off, and what you feel is really reasonable.

Id probably go for something like “Sorry mil, I’m not really keen to spend any more time on this than I already have so you’ll need to do the planning and organising if you want to get him something. DH didn’t buy me anything for my 50th (or for my 40th for that matter) so whilst I’ll get him a small token from me, I’m not going to be making a lot of effort this year.”

HiEarthlings · 19/07/2026 01:20

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 19:49

I already tried batting it back yesterday but she has followed up to ask if it is sorted now. I did suggest something but she didn't want to get that. I just feel.like I haven't got space in my head to even think about it! I'm so tired and we don't have a holiday booked yet and the only window we can have it in is from next week so that needs to be a bit of a priority.

Tempted to just buy an experience voucher to give to him and he can do all the scheduling!

I'm finding it very difficult to find the words to politely tell her to do it herself, she doesn't like me as it is...

Well, if she doesn't like you, you've nothing to lose, have you? Just tell her straight, "No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I just dont have the time for this as I'm extremely busy with work right now. He likes x, y and z, and I'm sure whatever you choose, he'll appreciate, especially as you've taken the time to choose something personally". If she tries to bat it back again next day by asking if you've done it yet, simply send the exact same message. Again, and again, and again, until she takes note.

KarmenPQZ · 16/07/2026 16:08

WithTwoGiantBoys · 16/07/2026 09:27

For those asking, it feels horrible to not get him anything because giving gifts is important to me, so not doing this seems petty and mean and denies me doing something I usually enjoy. Tit for tat point scoring isn't really great in a long marriage and he is mostly otherwise good about stuff - just seems to have this weird blind spot. It also doesn't model anything particularly pleasant to my boys.

MIL is perfectly capable and hasn't liked the things I have suggested so far, but I think I am going to tell her I will book one of them anyway - it costs more than she wants to spend (but is for both of us) so I can make up the difference, it can be a joint present and I will get something I will enjoy out it. If she grumbles again about it not being what she wants to give then I will tell her I am completely out of ideas in that case and she will just have to get whatever she thinks best.

Thanks for all the suggestions of ways to tell her no, I WILL use them if she rejects this idea again!

I think given your update something you’d both enjoy even if you end up paying a bit but also say then it’s from you as well.

but also say to MIL ‘I’ll do this for you because presents are important to me. My birthday is xxxxxx please put it in your diary and help your son get me something equally nice for my birthday. If not I won’t help you again’. And stick to it. If she brought her son up to be a crap present government she needs to deal with the consequences jow

CloudPop · 16/07/2026 11:34

HelloCheekyCat · 15/07/2026 20:15

@mugglemother you can say that again 😆

😂😂😂😂

Shinyandnew1 · 16/07/2026 11:26

What has he said on your birthday when he’s for you nothing? What sort of things do you normally get him and does he appear embarrassed?

ClayPotaLot · 16/07/2026 11:26

WithTwoGiantBoys · 16/07/2026 09:27

For those asking, it feels horrible to not get him anything because giving gifts is important to me, so not doing this seems petty and mean and denies me doing something I usually enjoy. Tit for tat point scoring isn't really great in a long marriage and he is mostly otherwise good about stuff - just seems to have this weird blind spot. It also doesn't model anything particularly pleasant to my boys.

MIL is perfectly capable and hasn't liked the things I have suggested so far, but I think I am going to tell her I will book one of them anyway - it costs more than she wants to spend (but is for both of us) so I can make up the difference, it can be a joint present and I will get something I will enjoy out it. If she grumbles again about it not being what she wants to give then I will tell her I am completely out of ideas in that case and she will just have to get whatever she thinks best.

Thanks for all the suggestions of ways to tell her no, I WILL use them if she rejects this idea again!

Matching someone's energy over things that cause you resentment isn't about point scoring, it's protective. Protecting the rest of your marriage so that the hurt and resentment don't mess that up. (And in some cases it's about listening to what they want - some people who don't give gifts really don't want them either).

But a gift you will enjoy too isn't a bad way to meet those goals too, quite a clever one, really - providing you won't be resentful when he doesn't do anything when you would expect to have doen something for him.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/07/2026 10:53

WithTwoGiantBoys · 16/07/2026 09:27

For those asking, it feels horrible to not get him anything because giving gifts is important to me, so not doing this seems petty and mean and denies me doing something I usually enjoy. Tit for tat point scoring isn't really great in a long marriage and he is mostly otherwise good about stuff - just seems to have this weird blind spot. It also doesn't model anything particularly pleasant to my boys.

MIL is perfectly capable and hasn't liked the things I have suggested so far, but I think I am going to tell her I will book one of them anyway - it costs more than she wants to spend (but is for both of us) so I can make up the difference, it can be a joint present and I will get something I will enjoy out it. If she grumbles again about it not being what she wants to give then I will tell her I am completely out of ideas in that case and she will just have to get whatever she thinks best.

Thanks for all the suggestions of ways to tell her no, I WILL use them if she rejects this idea again!

I was going to say, ‘no, stop suggesting things!’ but I agree with this, you might as well get something you enjoy out of it!

Good luck

ClovisWrites · 16/07/2026 10:50

My MIL does this every time for the kids' birthday and Christmas presents.

"Send me a list... "

and then

"Which one should I pick off the list... "

and then

"Would it be easier if you ordered it... "

and then

"Would you mind just wrapping it... "

Sometimes doesn't even get round to giving us the money.

SockPlant · 16/07/2026 09:40

Either: ignore MIl and the birthday completely ("but I thought you didn't care about birthdays" if questioned.)

Or.

Ignore MIL completely. Give him one pair of socks. ("but I thought you didn't care about birthdays" if questioned.)

If MIL questions your lack of reply: no time. He's your son, you do it

Original poster

WithTwoGiantBoys · 16/07/2026 09:27

For those asking, it feels horrible to not get him anything because giving gifts is important to me, so not doing this seems petty and mean and denies me doing something I usually enjoy. Tit for tat point scoring isn't really great in a long marriage and he is mostly otherwise good about stuff - just seems to have this weird blind spot. It also doesn't model anything particularly pleasant to my boys.

MIL is perfectly capable and hasn't liked the things I have suggested so far, but I think I am going to tell her I will book one of them anyway - it costs more than she wants to spend (but is for both of us) so I can make up the difference, it can be a joint present and I will get something I will enjoy out it. If she grumbles again about it not being what she wants to give then I will tell her I am completely out of ideas in that case and she will just have to get whatever she thinks best.

Thanks for all the suggestions of ways to tell her no, I WILL use them if she rejects this idea again!

OP posts:

backformoreofthesame · 16/07/2026 09:25

You are at least 20 years younger than she is
people get old and less capable and less confident

FamBae · 16/07/2026 09:23

Just tell her it would be a waste of money because he would probably let the voucher run out, and suggest she get him a spa day or afternoon tea for two at a local hotel.

Powerbungalow · 16/07/2026 09:22

WithTwoGiantBoys · 15/07/2026 19:49

I already tried batting it back yesterday but she has followed up to ask if it is sorted now. I did suggest something but she didn't want to get that. I just feel.like I haven't got space in my head to even think about it! I'm so tired and we don't have a holiday booked yet and the only window we can have it in is from next week so that needs to be a bit of a priority.

Tempted to just buy an experience voucher to give to him and he can do all the scheduling!

I'm finding it very difficult to find the words to politely tell her to do it herself, she doesn't like me as it is...

Bat it straight fucking back then.

"Sorry, dont have time to sort. I'm sure he will love whatever you manage to come up with"