Page 5 | AIBU to want to stay?

Stayinganontoday · 2026-07-15T10:03:52+00:00

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year. Without going into a lot of detail…. Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem! However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days. I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth. About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days. Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time. Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

Tablesandchairs23 · 15/07/2026 13:13

You don't have a good relationship. You're accepting shitty behaviour.

Floatingdownriver · 15/07/2026 13:12

OP, I was like you once. I thought things others needed or wanted in relationships didn’t apply to me and I was super strong. I thought I’d be the one person not to let him down and leave him. Truth is you’re human. You deserve, and need love. He doesn’t love or respect you and whilst you’re able to articulate things and understand then, his behaviour is damaging you. LTB

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 13:09

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 13:06

Why did you post this thread @Stayinganontoday ?

Honestly? Because I think it would be useful for you to be honest with yourself as to what you are looking for.

Are you looking for people who will say 'yeah it's all okay and well done you for working through it?' some might but most won't because it's not a healthy relationship.

It seems like you just want someone else to help you gaslight yourself.

Sadly, underneath it just reads like you're waiting for the next landmine to go off. Social media bans and rules to control behaviour make you sound more like you're his parent than an equal partner.

You don't sound happy and trying to police his behaviour is really no way to live. It's not what a normal healthy relationship looks like.

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I don’t want to police his behaviour but he does need guardrails.

one of my therapists once told me that willpower is not that easy and if they work, we should welcome them.

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SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 13:06

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:57

That’s the thing, out of 365 days we’re very happy and nothing major happens like 362.

actually before the last incident there were 3 years of no incidents (I keep thinking of the simpsons and the counter of days without a meltdown).

and yes he DID break the rule and the whole exchange was innocent, but he DID break the rule. Which is why we now have the social media ban

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Why did you post this thread @Stayinganontoday ?

Honestly? Because I think it would be useful for you to be honest with yourself as to what you are looking for.

Are you looking for people who will say 'yeah it's all okay and well done you for working through it?' some might but most won't because it's not a healthy relationship.

It seems like you just want someone else to help you gaslight yourself.

Sadly, underneath it just reads like you're waiting for the next landmine to go off. Social media bans and rules to control behaviour make you sound more like you're his parent than an equal partner.

You don't sound happy and trying to police his behaviour is really no way to live. It's not what a normal healthy relationship looks like.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:57

AgnesX · 15/07/2026 12:47

In your OP you asked how you can maintain long periods of peace. In short, I don't think you can.

The man's an addict (from what you've said) and if it's not one thing it'll be another. He'll be continuously looking for something to get a high from. If he's not actually an addict then he's a shit who gives no consideration to anyone else in his life - that'd be you.

He's already broken one of your golden rules ie contacting random women, with no obvious consequence, so won't be completely motivated to keep the rest.

Counselling might help, highly unlikely from what you've said. I'm not sure there's any real answer to your dilemma. Life isn't simple with addicts at the best of times.

Edited to add: Cut your losses and leave.

Edited

That’s the thing, out of 365 days we’re very happy and nothing major happens like 362.

actually before the last incident there were 3 years of no incidents (I keep thinking of the simpsons and the counter of days without a meltdown).

and yes he DID break the rule and the whole exchange was innocent, but he DID break the rule. Which is why we now have the social media ban

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AgnesX · 15/07/2026 12:47

In your OP you asked how you can maintain long periods of peace. In short, I don't think you can.

The man's an addict (from what you've said) and if it's not one thing it'll be another. He'll be continuously looking for something to get a high from. If he's not actually an addict then he's a shit who gives no consideration to anyone else in his life - that'd be you.

He's already broken one of your golden rules ie contacting random women, with no obvious consequence, so won't be completely motivated to keep the rest.

Counselling might help, highly unlikely from what you've said. I'm not sure there's any real answer to your dilemma. Life isn't simple with addicts at the best of times.

Edited to add: Cut your losses and leave.

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 12:45

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:43

I actually believe you can deeply love someone and still betray them, that doesn’t make it right but I do believe it’s possible.

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You want to believe that, but it doesn't make it true.

He really doesn't deeply love you. You really are just kidding yourself there. No amount of positive affirmation or therapy speak will make something true when it really isn't. Everyone on this thread can seen it but you.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:45

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 12:41

A man who hits his wife has no redeeming features.

You clearly love him a lot more than he loves you. A person who loves you doesn't hit you, abuse you or cheat on you. Those are not minor character transgressions. They are the behaviours of someone who really doesn't care about you deep down, only what they want.

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Also I said violent (not that he hit me) I don’t know if that makes any difference anyway.

but as someone who did experience domestic violence it’s very different to see one from the other.

pure domestic violence is to make someone submissive (and a power trip), then there’s people who do get drunk and don’t become the nicest people and can be verbally violent (which is ultimately what he did).

hes absolutely never done it with sober, never raised his voice nothing

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darksideofthetoon · 15/07/2026 12:45

This is MN. If a guy so much as looks at another woman then the answer is almost always something along the lines of, ‘he’s shown you who he is, you need to get your ducks in a row.’

You will be roasted in this thread!

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:43

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 12:41

A man who hits his wife has no redeeming features.

You clearly love him a lot more than he loves you. A person who loves you doesn't hit you, abuse you or cheat on you. Those are not minor character transgressions. They are the behaviours of someone who really doesn't care about you deep down, only what they want.

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I actually believe you can deeply love someone and still betray them, that doesn’t make it right but I do believe it’s possible.

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Loulou4022 · 15/07/2026 12:42

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:38

It’s all very much a balancing act, and there are people who are flawed with redeeming features, and people who are flawed with zero redeeming features.

my husband is the former

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So you’re happy to put up with his nonsense and that’s fine that’s your choice, it’s your life. It sounds like you are trying to convince us all that you’re doing the right thing and we’re all unreasonable to think you’re crackers for staying?
For the record if my DH did any of those things even once he’d be getting divorce papers!!

Bristolandlazy · 15/07/2026 12:41

I don't really understand the point of your post, you're in a relationship which you know most people wouldn't accept but defend it . Well that's sad to read but if it works for you okay. Good luck with that. If he's got an addictive personality surely he'll replace one addiction for another. He sounds like a tosser to me but maybe you're addicted to his drama etc.

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 12:41

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:38

It’s all very much a balancing act, and there are people who are flawed with redeeming features, and people who are flawed with zero redeeming features.

my husband is the former

Show quote history

A man who hits his wife has no redeeming features.

You clearly love him a lot more than he loves you. A person who loves you doesn't hit you, abuse you or cheat on you. Those are not minor character transgressions. They are the behaviours of someone who really doesn't care about you deep down, only what they want.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:41

TheKeatingFive · 15/07/2026 12:40

Crikey, you are not exactly selling him. He sounds horrific.

But it is your marriage/your choice to stay with him if you want. I agree counselling would be good for you.

I am / have been on counselling. I genuinely don’t know what people think it does (or doesn’t).

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TheKeatingFive · 15/07/2026 12:40

Crikey, you are not exactly selling him. He sounds horrific.

But it is your marriage/your choice to stay with him if you want. I agree counselling would be good for you.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:38

Loulou4022 · 15/07/2026 12:37

If you’re happy to put up with his nonsense then that’s up to you. Not sure why you’re asking if you’re being unreasonable when it’s obvious from your replies that you don’t want to leave and you’re happy to keep putting up with his behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s all very much a balancing act, and there are people who are flawed with redeeming features, and people who are flawed with zero redeeming features.

my husband is the former

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Loulou4022 · 15/07/2026 12:37

If you’re happy to put up with his nonsense then that’s up to you. Not sure why you’re asking if you’re being unreasonable when it’s obvious from your replies that you don’t want to leave and you’re happy to keep putting up with his behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:33

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/07/2026 12:16

You need some therapy for yourself to understand why you have set your bar so low. How have your past experiences led you to think that you have to settle for a partner who is a problem waiting to happen.

I am assuming from what you have written that you had an unstable or unsafe upbringing so your sense of what is normal and acceptable is likely calibrated at a level many people would not tolerate.

Living with an unexploded bomb of a partner may feel less scary than being alone even though you know he will blow things up every so often. However, I suspect you spend much of your life hyper vigilant for the signs things are slipping without even realising it.

The one thing you don’t have is a peaceful life just a life with quiet periods before the next explosion that rips up your security.

I’ve through god know how many years of therapy of all different types. I’m on the waiting list for one of the flickering lights for PTSD so don’t come and tell me that I need therapy.

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Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:32

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/07/2026 12:16

You need some therapy for yourself to understand why you have set your bar so low. How have your past experiences led you to think that you have to settle for a partner who is a problem waiting to happen.

I am assuming from what you have written that you had an unstable or unsafe upbringing so your sense of what is normal and acceptable is likely calibrated at a level many people would not tolerate.

Living with an unexploded bomb of a partner may feel less scary than being alone even though you know he will blow things up every so often. However, I suspect you spend much of your life hyper vigilant for the signs things are slipping without even realising it.

The one thing you don’t have is a peaceful life just a life with quiet periods before the next explosion that rips up your security.

How is he an unexploded bomb? Honest question

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/07/2026 12:16

You need some therapy for yourself to understand why you have set your bar so low. How have your past experiences led you to think that you have to settle for a partner who is a problem waiting to happen.

I am assuming from what you have written that you had an unstable or unsafe upbringing so your sense of what is normal and acceptable is likely calibrated at a level many people would not tolerate.

Living with an unexploded bomb of a partner may feel less scary than being alone even though you know he will blow things up every so often. However, I suspect you spend much of your life hyper vigilant for the signs things are slipping without even realising it.

The one thing you don’t have is a peaceful life just a life with quiet periods before the next explosion that rips up your security.

whippersnapper55 · 15/07/2026 12:13

He sounds like a nightmare and it makes me sad to read what some women are prepared to put up with. You sound like a nice woman and worth so much more than him.

Littlebitpsycho · 15/07/2026 12:12

Not really sure what you're asking OP. If you want to stay then stay, but I don't think anyone here is going to tell you it's a wonderful idea because he sounds like a complete arsehole.

But if that's what you want, then you do you 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:10

Idlewilder · 15/07/2026 12:08

Why are you asking? You're pushing back at anyone who tells you you're unreasonable, you have clearly made your mind up before writing the thread.

My therapist doesn’t think I’m deluded yesterday they said I’m just “nuanced” and that contradicting realities can coexist what matters is the impact on my MH

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Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 12:08

MrSchubertWhiskers · 15/07/2026 12:02

Well, I dont think I could stay with someone who's an addict. You'll also find that the replies you get here say you're mad for staying - I don't know anyone who'd advocate staying with a partner who's been violent.

You asked if you're unreasonable to stay, I think most of the responses will say yes but it's your choice and your life. Addiction is an illness so if one accepts there will be periods of illness or relapse then perhaps they can be weathered but you need to decide what your limit is.

If you're not already, take steps to secure the money in your name and held jointly, and call 999 if he's violent again.

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Yes, he has access to money but full traceability so that’s been dealt with (many years ago).

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Idlewilder · 15/07/2026 12:08

Why are you asking? You're pushing back at anyone who tells you you're unreasonable, you have clearly made your mind up before writing the thread.