AIBU to want to stay?

Make sure you have absolutely rock solid contraception.

You don’t say in any of your posts that you love him.
You say you think he can love you whilst betraying you, that you cry out in happiness - I don’t quite understand the reference but have guessed it might be sexual fulfilment - and have positive hyperphantasia with him.

None of that means love. It’s more indicative of trauma bonding / hysterical bonding. Some people - often those who have had traumatic experiences - need the threat of blow ups to feel anything in a relationship because love doesn’t feel secure or exciting enough.

What you do mention a lot is being on alert for his next betrayal.

He is an alcoholic, drug abusing, porn addicted money squanderer who seeks validation from other women and has a violent history.

You and your kids think he’s not that bad because your comparable situations were much worse.
That’s like saying I don’t mind eating this shit sandwich because the last one I ate was shit and glass.

You will never be at rest in this relationship. Even on your best days there will be a part of you waiting for the next blow up. It’s never going to change. He was clearly awful in his last relationship given his children’s comments. Being less worse is the best they and you can say of him.

Your defensiveness to posters saying YABU says it all - you want validation that you are right to stay because somewhere inside you know you deserve more.

If what you are actually asking is ‘is it unreasonable to stay in this dysfunctional relationship with an addict who has to be ‘guardrailed’ to behave decently because it’s the best I think I can do / better than being alone’ - I’d still say YABU.

This can’t be how you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life?

So what exactly are you posting for if you can tolerate this awful behaviour? Validation? Praise?

You know it’s bad but are choosing to carry on. That’s denial of how bad it is.

"My therapist doesn’t think I’m deluded yesterday they said I’m just “nuanced” and that contradicting realities can coexist what matters is the impact on my MH"

Which is why I'd rather speak to a stranger on a bus stop than a therapist.

So you're fine with things as they are OP. That's nice.

What exactly are you asking of people on here?

What's the point of your thread?

Well stay with him then 🤷‍♀️

You keep putting up with the dickhead you live with then and don’t ever expect anything better .. he’s such a catch

EMDR therapy is highly effective for dealing with past trauma but is very hard to deliver is the subject is going through current trauma. And whether you recognise it or not, you are.
You may be having lots of good days with DH but your subconscious ALWAYS knows your husband could turn.
In order to keep things nice you are gaslighting yourself. Maybe he’s not as bad as another abuser, he has good days, you can get through it.
Addicts are liars when they are active. It doesn’t mean they don’t have the capacity to love, their primary concern is whatever it is they are addicted to, and then themselves. Anyone else can get in line, and be lucky there is anything left over for them.
This man has been addicted to everything under the sun and your only red line seems to be him paying for porn.
That’s so sad, that your relationship is reduced to that.
No amount of advice either way on here will get you to leave him, I am sure.
Just be prepared for the fact as you both get older it will get even more difficult and you are going to be a care for a man with significant health issues.
And it’s not pretty for anyone who has been around it.

OP: AIBU to want to stay?

Everyone: Yes!

OP: no im not

🫠

I assume that there are no children involved?

If nobody else is impacted, then I guess it's your prerogative to choose to put up with anything that you like.

It sounds like you're "waiting" for the next thing to happen though. Three years is a long time to be on tenterhooks. Long enough for you to start to relax before the next implosion.... Can you continue to live like that?

I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

That is not within your control. It is up to him how frequently his behaviour wrecks your peace - all you can do is watch and wait.

You asked "AIBU to want to stay?" Most sane women would say YABU, but it is your choice.

So you endured approximately 4 years of hellish time with him before he sorted himself out?

No wonder you have a high tolerance and why you're keen not to walk away yet. What is it your hoping to get from this thread? I'm not sure I understand why you've created it.

This is silly. Do what you want to do. It’s your choice. Your life. Why ask? Make your own decision.

How long were things good for @Stayinganontoday ?

I dont think youre deluded or in denial etc.

I think you have unhealthy expectations on how people should behave towards you.

It'd be interesting to know what your other relationships with people ( ie friends/family) are like

You most definitely DO need therapy but the right sort. Maybe the sort specific to DA survivors as you seem to have that beaten down mentality, and as with most DA survivors their beaten down mentality changes when they leave the toxic relationship.

Ever thought HE is the main cause of it all? Your relationship will only improve if he grows up and accepts responsibility to be a decent adult, but he won't so you will continue to limp on, going from therapist to therapist, getting even more beaten down until either he walks or one of you dies. Find a way to leave OP so you can finally find some form of peace.

Your therapist earns money from you.

That sounds like absolute waffle to me. You cannot be happy living like this?

Answering both of your responses.

He is an unexploded bomb because you know that is only a matter of time he does the next thing to shatter your peace. You know deep down that he will let you down again.

You were quite angry that I suggested therapy maybe you feel the work is done but looking at the responses on this thread it is clear many of us think you need additional support. I am pleased to hear that you will get some EMDR.

It is quite possible to love someone and yet struggle with the impact their behaviour has on you. Only you know what will give you the peace you crave. However, as you already know you cannot control his behaviour so you cannot build your peace of mind around him behaving consistently in the way you need.

I mean you’re clearly not really interested in other opinions, and you’re obviously going to stay with this absolute cunt.

But if it were me? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I have more (some?) self-respect.