Page 3 | AIBU to want to stay?

Stayinganontoday · 2026-07-15T10:03:52+00:00

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year. Without going into a lot of detail…. Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem! However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days. I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth. About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days. Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time. Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

ChirpaChirpaCheepCheepChirp · 15/07/2026 19:33

Well if you didn’t end it over the cam girls, the violence, the other women, and the drinking, you’re never going to, are you?

I think you’re mad but all the best. You’re going to need it.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 19:29

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 19:24

But what was it that made you feel you needed to chat about this? If everything is as hunky dory as you say, what made you have thoughts about whether it might be unreasonable to want to stay?

Most people in genuinely happy marriages don't need to wonder whether it is unreasonable to want to stay in them. The fact that you asked the question tells me that, deep down, you know there is a problem.

Show quote history

Because he came back on Saturday smelling of sweat and alcohol and it triggered me, so we argued.

TBH apparently I had never told him the smell of stale alcohol triggers (which could be true) he didn’t do anything awful that day.

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 19:24

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 19:21

I needed to “chat” to someone . I have this streams of thoughts but they get resolved 3-5 days and im
on day 4

Show quote history

But what was it that made you feel you needed to chat about this? If everything is as hunky dory as you say, what made you have thoughts about whether it might be unreasonable to want to stay?

Most people in genuinely happy marriages don't need to wonder whether it is unreasonable to want to stay in them. The fact that you asked the question tells me that, deep down, you know there is a problem.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 19:21

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 19:19

OP, I have one question.

If you think everything is fine, then why did you post this thread?

I needed to “chat” to someone . I have this streams of thoughts but they get resolved 3-5 days and im
on day 4

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 19:19

OP, I have one question.

If you think everything is fine, then why did you post this thread?

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 19:07

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 17:10

You have said that your husband is an alcoholic and a drug user with a violent past. And your son is living in a household with this man.

You might not think that your son is experiencing any difficulties in relation to this, but it is impossible that he is not being affected by it.

Your bar is too low. Understandable, given your own dysfunctional childhood. But it is not OK to expose your child to this. It will not be as well hidden as you wish to believe.

Show quote history

I mean my husband has literally hasn’t used any drugs even remotely around children for the past 20 years.

and yes he drinks, I think probably does fall under the alcoholic definition but he doesn’t drink every day, he drinks around 6 pints over the weekend (between all three days) he just doesn’t know when to stop and he 99% of the time simply falls asleep.

over the years he’s actually shown that if I tell him “I think this should be your last one” he stops.

for the most part he’s a “passive drunk”

and he hasn’t been violent in 7 years

OP posts:

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 19:03

MammaTo · 15/07/2026 18:34

Oh my god these types of posts are really starting to grate on me and are boring me to death.
If you’re going to sit and argue that your child isn’t effected, that you have a lovely life, that your husband is a doting dad and only does what he does in drink and that he loves you - then why bother posting?

It’s affected

OP posts:

MammaTo · 15/07/2026 18:34

Oh my god these types of posts are really starting to grate on me and are boring me to death.
If you’re going to sit and argue that your child isn’t effected, that you have a lovely life, that your husband is a doting dad and only does what he does in drink and that he loves you - then why bother posting?

Givemeachaitealatte · 15/07/2026 17:57

OP I voted YABU because I think you are. You are just waiting for the next incident. It could be 2 weeks or 2 years, but he will betray you and/or be violent again. If you are willing to accept that then it's up to you but I think it's a miserable life to be just waiting for it to happen again.

You might not think it, but you alter your behaviour, walk on egg shells just waiting. But you do you. It's your life.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 17:10

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 16:46

But if they don’t experience it, seriously how is it that it’s not ok?

tou make it sound like I walk in eggshells which I don’t.

and also no, it has been diagnosed as hyperphantasia by a psychiatrist, I had to go through a whole
binch of diagnoses and also saw a neuropsychologist.

Show quote history

You have said that your husband is an alcoholic and a drug user with a violent past. And your son is living in a household with this man.

You might not think that your son is experiencing any difficulties in relation to this, but it is impossible that he is not being affected by it.

Your bar is too low. Understandable, given your own dysfunctional childhood. But it is not OK to expose your child to this. It will not be as well hidden as you wish to believe.

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 16:50

Over40Overdating · 15/07/2026 16:43

@SamuraiSally yeah what OP has described is more like psychosis not hyperphantasia which is just having a very vivid visual imagination.

The whole point for this thread is beyond me because being stuck with what OP has described above and calling it wonderful is either someone rage baiting for attention or genuinely unwell.

I completely agree. I suspect the first rather than the second but who knows

WhisperingHi · 15/07/2026 16:46

Your marriage your choice.

I think you have low standards and are in denial about the state of your relationship. But that’s my opinion, you have the choice to do what you want with your life.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 16:46

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 16:41

If you think you're providing an appropriate environment for your child to grow up in, then I would kindly suggest that you have been much more deeply affected by your dysfunctional childhood than you realise. The fact that your situation is less dire than your sister's does not make it ok.

Your current set-up is not ok, and your dc will be negatively affected. You can choose to bury your head in the sand or you can choose to break the cycle. Up to you, really.

Show quote history

But if they don’t experience it, seriously how is it that it’s not ok?

tou make it sound like I walk in eggshells which I don’t.

and also no, it has been diagnosed as hyperphantasia by a psychiatrist, I had to go through a whole
binch of diagnoses and also saw a neuropsychologist.

OP posts:

Over40Overdating · 15/07/2026 16:43

@SamuraiSally yeah what OP has described is more like psychosis not hyperphantasia which is just having a very vivid visual imagination.

The whole point for this thread is beyond me because being stuck with what OP has described above and calling it wonderful is either someone rage baiting for attention or genuinely unwell.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 16:41

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 16:23

It’s an interesting one….
my father was/is an alcoholic (as I have no clue if he lives or doesn’t live).

now… did his alcoholism deeply affect me? Realistically not that much.

the violence against my poor mother (and me) yeah 100%

What really effed me up was that his violence led to kill someone and then he had the audacity to blame us (his family like wtf!)

now, my sister ended up with someone who’s continuously physically violent (her behaviours and those of my nephew confirm it) can I compare them
to my life? Not at all, my life is genuinely wonderful in comparison

now my poor poor mother had a horrible mother who repeatedly told them she didn’t want to have them but couldn’t afford an abortion and also tried to kill all of them (obviously she couldn’t go through it). But she did give away my mother to random strangers at a bus stop….

when you compare ALL OF THAT to my life I literally live an absolutely wonderful life.

when you come from that, an improvement is still
an improvement so I’ll take it :)

Show quote history

If you think you're providing an appropriate environment for your child to grow up in, then I would kindly suggest that you have been much more deeply affected by your dysfunctional childhood than you realise. The fact that your situation is less dire than your sister's does not make it ok.

Your current set-up is not ok, and your dc will be negatively affected. You can choose to bury your head in the sand or you can choose to break the cycle. Up to you, really.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 15/07/2026 16:35

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 16:33

I think you jumped the shark with the bleeding walls OP 😂

I wasn’t brave enough to mention that bit.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 16:34

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 16:33

I think you jumped the shark with the bleeding walls OP 😂

Up to you to not believe me! It was pretty gorey but completely true. My the husband thought I was schizophrenic (but I’m not btw)

OP posts:

SamuraiSally · 15/07/2026 16:33

I think you jumped the shark with the bleeding walls OP 😂

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 15/07/2026 16:26

You have two identical posts OP, I feel like you’re just wanting to tell everyone there’re wrong.

What do you want people to say to you?

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 16:23

PetulaGordeno · 15/07/2026 16:08

I think you’ve missed my point. All you’ve done is reply to tell me about him.
I know of the chaos and lies that come with addiction because I am one. I am a long time clean, I don’t have kids, I met my current other half after I got sober but I’m aware of the lifelong work it takes.
If you think your children haven’t even affected I’ve a bridge to sell you. They’ve been brought up soaked in these behaviours and your current marriage is the least best option for them. And like most children of addicts they will have grown up hyper vigilant and the trauma response is one to fawn.
I know I’m being blunt but you are absolutely stuck here.
If you want to stay then that’s up to you I’m not sure why you’ve asked MN.
But I feel for children brought up this way. My mother was and the pain it brought her was huge.

Show quote history

It’s an interesting one….
my father was/is an alcoholic (as I have no clue if he lives or doesn’t live).

now… did his alcoholism deeply affect me? Realistically not that much.

the violence against my poor mother (and me) yeah 100%

What really effed me up was that his violence led to kill someone and then he had the audacity to blame us (his family like wtf!)

now, my sister ended up with someone who’s continuously physically violent (her behaviours and those of my nephew confirm it) can I compare them
to my life? Not at all, my life is genuinely wonderful in comparison

now my poor poor mother had a horrible mother who repeatedly told them she didn’t want to have them but couldn’t afford an abortion and also tried to kill all of them (obviously she couldn’t go through it). But she did give away my mother to random strangers at a bus stop….

when you compare ALL OF THAT to my life I literally live an absolutely wonderful life.

when you come from that, an improvement is still
an improvement so I’ll take it :)

OP posts:

lazyarse123 · 15/07/2026 16:14

The only way to get permanent peace is to rid yourself of this pos.
If you are accepting of it then you have to accept all of it. You need to think of yourself far more than this twat does.

PetulaGordeno · 15/07/2026 16:08

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 14:38

He’s getting help for the alcohol and the drugs he currently doesn’t do anything.

his other addictions are running and overall fitness from that POV he’s overall healthy.

Show quote history

I think you’ve missed my point. All you’ve done is reply to tell me about him.
I know of the chaos and lies that come with addiction because I am one. I am a long time clean, I don’t have kids, I met my current other half after I got sober but I’m aware of the lifelong work it takes.
If you think your children haven’t even affected I’ve a bridge to sell you. They’ve been brought up soaked in these behaviours and your current marriage is the least best option for them. And like most children of addicts they will have grown up hyper vigilant and the trauma response is one to fawn.
I know I’m being blunt but you are absolutely stuck here.
If you want to stay then that’s up to you I’m not sure why you’ve asked MN.
But I feel for children brought up this way. My mother was and the pain it brought her was huge.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/07/2026 15:23

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 14:37

Our son doesn’t really see any of the negative sides. The older children for example (who are very well balanced young adults) say how much better their lives are in our household in comparison to what I lived with my exH or the experience that they had when their parents were together (my step children).

Show quote history

If there is a child involved, then that changes the calculus. It is no longer about what you're prepared to put up with.

I suspect that your son sees a whole lot more than you would like to believe. He deserves better than this dysfunctional set-up.

CurlewKate · 15/07/2026 15:15

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 14:37

Our son doesn’t really see any of the negative sides. The older children for example (who are very well balanced young adults) say how much better their lives are in our household in comparison to what I lived with my exH or the experience that they had when their parents were together (my step children).

Show quote history

Jesus Christ-there ARE children involved???
Your son absolutely sees the negative sides.

TheClocksFast · 15/07/2026 15:13

Stayinganontoday · 15/07/2026 11:52

How am I being naive? I accept that once an addict always an addict and that behind close doors I have no clue what happens.

but ultimately I’m ok with that.

Show quote history

I’m not sure what you’re asking then.

He sounds like an arsehole and you’re happy to accept his trashy behaviour.