AIBU to want to stay?

I always wonder why "sex addict" is always trotted out as an excuse when some prominent man is outed as a repulsive abusive sex offender. It just seems like carte blanche to behave badly to me.

Wow, way to deny the effects this toxic relationship is having on your children!!!

”but I love him” sometimes love is not enough.

if nothing else, where is your self-respect FFS? He’s spending thousands of pounds on cam girls, he’s openly cheating on you!

Fair enough if you want to throw your life away at this loser, your son deserves better.

That's because they have a minimum line legally which is so high as to be basically useless except in extreme cases. Why? Money, or rather the lack of it.

Threads like these have helped hundreds of women over the years. They have opened their eyes and they have done something about their circumstances and gone on to live better, happier lives. Stop reaching out to others who cannot help you and (hate the phrase) put on your big girl pants and start the leaving process yourself. Others can be supportive but it has to come from yourself first. Internalise your saviour complex to help yourself and your child, not him. And stop lying to yourself, if not for you then do it for your child.

Op a nice man is generally ALWAYS nice. Not to say they don’t make mistakes, but not ones that make you question their whole personality. When someone does something heinous, there is no confusion, they are rotten. No amount of good things make up for it. Judge people by their worst behaviour. If you think their worst behaviour is bad enough to leave, you have your answer. Nice people don’t treat people badly, ever. I’m sorry but you are indeed deluded but he’s caused that with intermittent reinforcement and good acting. He’s basically a nasty cunt.

You sound unhinged. You are asking for advice and the majority are telling you to leave your abusive, cheating and addicted husband, especially as you have a young child. Yes, he may be better than your ex-husband but the bar is extremely low and a turd could shine against this one. Then you are making excuses, saying you don't mind the cheating it's the spending money to cheat (so financial abuse) that is the issue, having 6 beers over 3 days is not an alcoholic unless they are beer barrels. You say he along with your father has contributed to you having PTSD but you are not naive or in denial you see the nuances in people - yes people are flawed and in this case you need to get your head on straight and the only way this can be done is alone with therapy (the therapy is about improving your self esteem) and keeping your kids safe from their fathers. However, I do believe you won't leave because part of you only knows drama.

Why does “addictive personality” always seem to mean “he can do whatever he wants and I just have to put up with it” Why are people with “addictive personalities” never addicted to doing good things?

just read all your posts OP. You are either incredibly stupid or completely blind. Do you have a daughter??? Can you imagine her being in a relationship like this?!

I hope someone in your children’s life is in a position of safeguarding and reports you to SS.

You need to leave the stupid twat.

Raise your bar. He is NOT a decent husband, how deluded do you have to be to think he is? Jesus.

You ask how you can achieve periods of peace op. You can’t. Because you are not in control of achieving that peace. He holds all the cards. You make rules. He breaks them. You make new rules. He breaks them again. You tie yourself in knots to excuse his abusive behaviour. That’s the unvarnished, non-psychobabble truth.

Blinking lights therapy, Are we talking about EMDR? If so...... I had child trauma , teen trauma and then marriage trauma. Once my memories were processed and I started questioning myself, I understood I was in an abusive marriage. I did stay for a couple more years but it escalated and I realised I didnt want a life waking up wondering if we would be a happy couple or I was to walk on eggshells.

PSTD is a fucker to live with, I believed, despite knowing it was abusive, I was better off staying. When it was good it was good when it was bad it was fucking soul destroying.

You say your husband has form for addictions, sexting, porn, chatting but youve no idea what he is actually up too, nor do you seem to care. Thats fine, its called becoming emotionally numb. As long as it doesnt directly cause me pain and suffering I will turn a blind eye. Thats you, whether you want to believe it or not. In time you will see it.

Oh I remember that

You posted about this at the time? The sleeping pills were highly controlled Benzos and he swiped the lot? (If I remember correctly you had a significant amount in terms of what GP's are happy to prescribe)

It's entirely up to you what you do with your own life. I am in a similar position and I get it. You love him. I am 46 and have been with my husband since 19. He had periods of heavy drinking where behaviour was really bad, he is sober now and teetotal. Recently after it became clear to him I was leaving, he completely changed himself. Got fit, started being nice, cooking, paying me positive attention, controlling his anger. The husband I had wanted and missed from when we first got together. The problem is be only changed because he had to. Because he would lose his family. And there has been alot of damage done. I don't want him to touch me and I'm planning to leave on my own timeline. So I guess I am saying that you need to be clear eyed. You are only nine years in and it sounds like the behaviour is starting again. Please go to therapy to talk about it.

Who are you kidding
he sounds vile
more fool you for tolerating this!!

have some respect and get rid of this creature. You deserve better

If you’re “OK with it” why are you posting?

You are just going to get loads of us asking you why your self esteem is so pitifully low, but you don’t give a shit. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah only because they’re not allowed to tell you you’re batshit crazy

What medication of yours did he take @Stayinganontoday ?

Well OP it sounds like you’re 100% happy with this relationship and deeply offended by the suggestion that you might not be, so I’m not sure what you need anyone here to help you with. 🤷‍♀️