AIBU to want to stay?

Stayinganontoday · 2026-07-15T10:03:52+00:00

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year. Without going into a lot of detail…. Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem! However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days. I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth. About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days. Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time. Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

NeatPinkFinch · 13/08/2026 13:58

I’m sorry OP but you are desperately holding onto this man who you should have released into the wild a long time ago.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/07/2026 21:33

Deleted

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 21:10

Macaronnn · 16/07/2026 16:06

What inner peace? You said he contributes to your PTSD - that isn't peace. Ffs everyone is saying leave him and you are saying but the kids are happy compared to my even worse ex - you want to stay, so do. He creates the drama and you thrive on it - perfect match.

Show quote history

He did…. His last actions did. They imprinted on my previous one so to speak.

and I do have inner peace, I’d say today I’m 100% back there and to be fair this thread did help.

OP posts:

Macaronnn · 16/07/2026 16:06

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 10:18

What saviour complex???

I’ve never said “I’ll change him” or “love will
change him”.

I’ve said that he seems to be incapable of changing but that overall his flaws do not outperform his redeemable qualities.

or the inner peace and fun and laughter

that he brings to my life the vast majority of the time.

both can coexist at the same time

Show quote history

What inner peace? You said he contributes to your PTSD - that isn't peace. Ffs everyone is saying leave him and you are saying but the kids are happy compared to my even worse ex - you want to stay, so do. He creates the drama and you thrive on it - perfect match.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 15:40

Retrolady13 · 16/07/2026 15:07

Wait ... "bleeding walls"?

Yeah like the upside down from stranger things that’s made of flesh. Of course I knew it was not real and just a product of my imagination

OP posts:

Retrolady13 · 16/07/2026 15:07

Wait ... "bleeding walls"?

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 14:50

Fiendishandfiery · 16/07/2026 14:45

You say more tolerant than 99.9 percent of people. But I think it’s a very low bar. There is little this man can do to you which will make you leave him. For it to end, he’d have to end it, snd even then you’d likely ask him to stay, all I can think is that’s a low self esteem issue. Have you explored that in therapy?

I also question why you’re in the marriage, as it feels more of convenience for you. As him cheating didn’t bother you, but the money did,

Because I never considered it cheating, what he did was disrespectful and could turn into my actual definition of cheating.

and no…

a) he misuses money again - he’s out

b) he’s psychical with someone - he’s out

and it bothered me because it wasn’t his money!! (So to speak - as yes it was his salary, but we needed the money, and instead me/my family subsidised us for that time).

OP posts:

Fiendishandfiery · 16/07/2026 14:45

You say more tolerant than 99.9 percent of people. But I think it’s a very low bar. There is little this man can do to you which will make you leave him. For it to end, he’d have to end it, snd even then you’d likely ask him to stay, all I can think is that’s a low self esteem issue. Have you explored that in therapy?

I also question why you’re in the marriage, as it feels more of convenience for you. As him cheating didn’t bother you, but the money did,

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 14:06

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/07/2026 13:56

Not nearly enough. He needs intense counselling to accept how horrible he has been, how horrible he has acted again, how he has little or no respect for you and pretends he just needs validation from other women.
He’s a selfish creature.
Your view is off due to the trauma you suffered as a child and your friendship group, he’s not as bad as your Friends husband in your mind. That’s a very low bar.

Show quote history

Yes, he’s not as bad but that’s not why I’m still
with him.

I simply don’t have a blanket policy of bad vs good

I can objectively say that he’s better than my dad, my friends husband, my sisters husband, my best friends partner.

i cannot come and say if he’s better than my other acquaintances but also from what I can see those husbands aren’t perfect either, but there’s also good in them.

Also, because you never know what happens behind closed doors.

im not denying that there’s probably millions of couples with just simple disagreements, but I still haven’t met one. I’m

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/07/2026 13:56

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 13:51

He now has a case worker and tomorrow he has an appointment with the GP for the more psychological route.

he did try support groups a few years ago they were not his style.

which is why he’s now taking this approach, and we shall see

Show quote history

Not nearly enough. He needs intense counselling to accept how horrible he has been, how horrible he has acted again, how he has little or no respect for you and pretends he just needs validation from other women.
He’s a selfish creature.
Your view is off due to the trauma you suffered as a child and your friendship group, he’s not as bad as your Friends husband in your mind. That’s a very low bar.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 13:51

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/07/2026 13:48

He is not capable of sorting out this mess alone, he needs professional health, doing it alone will teach him to lie better.
He has his demons. We get one life, don’t waste your life attached to him, he is a waster.
Let him seek help himself or not, whatever he decides, don’t be there for him again.
Stop talking and take action.

Edited

He now has a case worker and tomorrow he has an appointment with the GP for the more psychological route.

he did try support groups a few years ago they were not his style.

which is why he’s now taking this approach, and we shall see

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/07/2026 13:48

He is not capable of sorting out this mess alone, he needs professional health, doing it alone will teach him to lie better.
He has his demons. We get one life, don’t waste your life attached to him, he is a waster.
Let him seek help himself or not, whatever he decides, don’t be there for him again.
Stop talking and take action.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 13:45

Over40Overdating · 16/07/2026 13:32

It’s telling that you are ‘pondering’ this on an anonymous forum rather than with people in real life.

Based on your replies you’ve given a picture of 2 dysfunctional, damaged people who think everyone around them is blind.

Given how defensive you are on here about the relationship I doubt your children feel they could be honest about what they really feel. Or maybe they are so traumatised by your previous relationship that it does feel ‘like Disneyland’ - that’s not a sign it’s a healthy relationship, just that’s it’s not as bad. 2 different things.

That aside, you are committed to staying in this relationship and accepting what most people would not. He may level out as he gets older or he may get worse. This may be a temporary blip and he overcomes his issues one and for all or a downward spiral.

You have a choice at any time to say no, this doesn’t work any more in either scenario. And if you get EMDR you might find yourself healing enough to say that. I hope you do.

Show quote history

Well maybe because (as I have already explained)

I have two local friends:

a) one is married to a proper alcoholic (he hides bottles in toilets and goes on random benders during the day)

b) her husband is friends with my husband so not a great one to vent to

I do talk to my mother, and my best friend, and my therapist.

so there’s nothing “telling” about this beyond that who else am I supposed to talk to?

OP posts:

Over40Overdating · 16/07/2026 13:32

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 11:33

Because after a fight (as far in between as they are) I ponder things, but it eventually fades, and I like express those ponderings verbally.

Show quote history

It’s telling that you are ‘pondering’ this on an anonymous forum rather than with people in real life.

Based on your replies you’ve given a picture of 2 dysfunctional, damaged people who think everyone around them is blind.

Given how defensive you are on here about the relationship I doubt your children feel they could be honest about what they really feel. Or maybe they are so traumatised by your previous relationship that it does feel ‘like Disneyland’ - that’s not a sign it’s a healthy relationship, just that’s it’s not as bad. 2 different things.

That aside, you are committed to staying in this relationship and accepting what most people would not. He may level out as he gets older or he may get worse. This may be a temporary blip and he overcomes his issues one and for all or a downward spiral.

You have a choice at any time to say no, this doesn’t work any more in either scenario. And if you get EMDR you might find yourself healing enough to say that. I hope you do.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 11:33

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2026 11:10

I give up. If everything is so rosy and wonderful and you are living in such peace and harmony, why did you post, asking how you could achieve peace and harmony?

Because after a fight (as far in between as they are) I ponder things, but it eventually fades, and I like express those ponderings verbally.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2026 11:10

I give up. If everything is so rosy and wonderful and you are living in such peace and harmony, why did you post, asking how you could achieve peace and harmony?

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 11:05

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2026 11:01

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think your child hears nothing, senses nothing when you are having huge fights, when your DH is either high or absent. You are in denial.

Show quote history

High or absent?

he’s never been either of them in front of the children.

drunk sure, but he genuinely falls asleep.

as for the fights, we literally have 1 once a year. Which again IMO is virtually nothing.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/07/2026 11:03

This is really sad. Your bar is so low, you're accepting so much shit, and your aim seems to be to go longer between him fucking up, not to leave him

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2026 11:01

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 10:52

I haven’t set any rules since his first transgression 5-6 years ago, those have remained constant, he broke the simplest of one, but believe it or not I don’t go through my life hoping he doesn’t break them every single day of my life.

i rarely think about them, and have zero impact life to our day to day 95-97% of the time.

also I don’t know what you think our child sees or experiences tbf

Show quote history

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think your child hears nothing, senses nothing when you are having huge fights, when your DH is either high or absent. You are in denial.

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 11:01

AnonymityAnonymity · 15/07/2026 11:28

You haven't said anything in your post about your feelings OP.
It sounds as though you are in serious denial about how appalling his behaviour was then and has probably continued to be.

I’m not in denial…

I know it was awful, I know most people would have left, I chose not to. That’s very different to say that what he did was nothing or “not too bad”.

I just have different parameters

OP posts:

deveronvalley · 16/07/2026 10:59

This all sounds very complicated with therapists and key workers so probably not the same situation but my husband of 25 years used to “go off the rails” shall we say, from time to time and like you I do have a pretty high tolerance level for things. He’s nearly 60 and has certainly calmed down in the last 5 years or so, though not completely. There has to be a level of acceptance when you choose to stay with someone with a number of faults - really there are only 2 choices, accept it and stay or don’t accept it and leave. That’s all you’ve got. It’s always a balance of “is this worth it?” coupled with a bit of wild optimism.

DeepRubySwan · 16/07/2026 10:59

It's okay to want to stay, it's your life. All these people yelling at you is not going to do anything but make you dig your heels in deeper anyway. And yes, intermittent abuse and a generally happy family does happen and is in fact how it almost always happens. Otherwise no one would stay with these men at all. If you are happy enough and safe then stay. But it could be a good idea to join a support group or something for your PTSD and to develop self confidence and also just broaden your networks a bit.

Best of luck

Original poster

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 10:52

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2026 10:48

"both can coexist at the same time"

No, they can'tbecause you are always waiting for his next transgression of your "rules". Then you will set new ones and wait for him to break them too. Tie yourself up in knots and "but I love him" semantics and psychobabble all you like, but he is dragging you down with him as you try to cling onto your alternative reality. Think about your child.

I haven’t set any rules since his first transgression 5-6 years ago, those have remained constant, he broke the simplest of one, but believe it or not I don’t go through my life hoping he doesn’t break them every single day of my life.

i rarely think about them, and have zero impact life to our day to day 95-97% of the time.

also I don’t know what you think our child sees or experiences tbf

OP posts:

RubyQueues · 16/07/2026 10:52

Stayinganontoday · 16/07/2026 10:37

Not another one of this….

our own children even say how great the home life is…. Aren’t they the ones who should judge?

secondly, they really don’t experience any of it (which I still don’t see how difficult it is to understand either).

lastly, coming from a beyond toxic environment for generations this is genuinely Disneyland.

my biggest thermometer is my eldest daughter and she genuinely enjoys our home life (and compares it to her previous life that I had with her dad)

the same goes for the our eldest and he’s a proper adult.

Show quote history

Ok if you are this deep in denial there’s no point engaging with you.

He’s a violent, cheating drunk who spends money on cam girls and is abusive to his family. Saying he’s “better than previous abusive exes” is so disgustingly disingenuous I can barely believe you have the brass neck to type it!

If this is showing your kids “Disneyland” I dread to think how fucked up and toxic their previous home environment was!

But as long as you “love him, he’s your world etc etc” then fuck the repercussions for your children, eh?!

I hope someone in real life is looking out for/safeguarding your children. You certainly aren’t!!

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2026 10:48

"both can coexist at the same time"

No, they can'tbecause you are always waiting for his next transgression of your "rules". Then you will set new ones and wait for him to break them too. Tie yourself up in knots and "but I love him" semantics and psychobabble all you like, but he is dragging you down with him as you try to cling onto your alternative reality. Think about your child.