AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

OP had her children before her sister had hers and her sister never helped her with a single day of childcare. OP looked after her niece once a week before her niece started school and has done lots of babysitting for her sister. Her sister is the selfish one, not OP.

I’m all for helping family out when needed, but this is just taking the piss. If the in-laws were expecting you to babysit, they should’ve checked you were available before giving this gift.

It was so rude of them to basically offer on your behalf and just assume you were available and willing.

Don’t feel guilty for taking your much-needed break; this is not your problem to solve.

Surely this is just one of this things as a newlywed you have to suck up if you get married after your children if you don’t have childcare then to take them with you on honeymoon. 2 weeks is a long time for the child and for any adults babysitting them tbh.

Don't be so ridiculous. OP has said:

'before my niece started school, I looked after her once a week to save them nursery fees. We also regularly babysit. My kids babysit too.'

This has been sprung on her by her sister's in-laws with two weeks' notice. Her PILs should have organised childcare before booking the holiday. They should look after their grandchild for the two weeks their son and DIL are on their honeymoonn as part of their 'gift'.

Because the sister didn’t book it, it was a surprise.

Imo if you get married AFTER having kids, then you forfeit your right to a child free honeymoon. They can have a family holiday instead. Your poor little neice being expected to be passed around for 2 weeks among reluctant relatives.

Your sister and her in laws are being totally unreasonable here. As others have said if the in laws think a child free honeymoon is deserved, then they can provide the child care .

“My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.”

This is the bit that jumped out at me! Tell sis and her in-laws there’s nothing to sort out between you, you can’t do it. If the in-laws can’t do it either, Sis will have to either accept that they’re taking their daughter with them, which is what BIL thought they were going to do anyway, or not go for so long.

Out of curiosity, do the in-laws babysit their granddaughter very often?

And why didn't the sister check with everyone before booking the honeymoon?

I think leaving an 8 year old for two weeks is too long, they should go for a week and then it's a few days with you and a few days with other family. It's nice of her in laws to allow them use of their holiday home, but it isn't exactly a gift really, they've just decided not to go for a couple of weeks. Kind but not a huge gesture, not as big a deal as two weeks of full time childcare would be.

Did the BIL do this?

The BIL did not, he was expecting to take his DD. It’s DSis who wants to leave her at home.

In-laws need to supplement gift with a nanny to go with your niece! Two weeks is too long and completely unrealistic. Hurtful even. Your time off is well deserved and precious.

Take a week’s annual leave to look after their child?

No way.

Your BIL and his parents made massive assumptions.

I would just say yours and your DH’s AL is very precious and you have plans and won’t be taking time off work to childmind.

You have done a LOT of childcare for your DSis and BIL in the past and they are taking you for granted.

Do you not think it’s OP’s sister who is being selfish asking her to give up her annual leave when she’s already being doing plenty of childcare during wedding planning?

There is no reason her sister can’t take her child on the holiday and take her to the beach and on picnics rather then just hanging around with her husband who was expecting his daughter to be joining them anyway.

I very much doubt two teenagers who have been focusing on exams and are probably looking forward to some down time, want to entertain a much younger child and I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to be put in the awkward position to have to do it if she wants their attention.

I looked after my niece and nephew a few times when my sister went away and they missed their parents and were bored without their home comforts and wanted constant attention and entertaining and didn’t sleep well at night.
I was exhausted after two days and refused to look after them longer when she asked. I love them to bits but didn’t enjoy it and neither did they.

OP and her husband have made plans to spend quality time together so I doubt he’d be keen on giving that up to look after his SIL’s child instead.
It would probably be stressful for the whole household and it’s not an emergency situation when the obvious solution is for the child to go away with her parents.

I don’t know if you just have an idealistic view and have never been in that situation or if you just struggle to set boundaries yourself?
it’s usually people who try to always “be kind” that get taken advantage of and then try to pressure others to be the same out of resentment or by thinking they are a better kinder person sacrificing their own time and resources for others.

I used to bend over backwards for people thinking that it made me a good person to always put others first then realised I was always the one giving.
It was so deeply ingrained I’ve had to have therapy to learn how to set boundaries.

I’ve realised it’s not selfish to put myself first when I want or need to and the majority of people will also usually put themselves first.
On most threads like this it’s inevitable the “be kind” people will comment and often they are the ones making unkind comments calling the OP selfish for not being a martyr.

I’ve noticed most of the expectations are on women as well and men don’t think twice to saying no and aren’t criticised for doing so.
It gave me something to think about the next time I was volunteered for something that wouldn’t be expected of by a man.

And why is GCSE prep so stressful for you? Surely it’s your child that took the exams?

@Jane143
It’s a concentrated period of providing emotional and practical support. It’s draining. Lucky you if you didn’t find it so - or perhaps you haven’t been through it yet?

Hey OP!
I am dumfounded some people feel it’s ok for you to give up your time off or as if anyone has the right to question what you want to do with YOUR two weeks off! You are not obligated to do anything for anyone with your two weeks of time. I say this as someone who has been in this position many times and finally learned my lesson. Piss taking at its finest sister or not.
I echo what other posters have said, you have children and become a parent that comes first, tough titty for a long arsed honeymoon. Suck it up buttercup. A weekend at most and she is lucky to get that!
My son was 18 months when I got married, we didn’t expect anyone to do anything. We had some help in the evening from grandparents but we all went back to our home and are yet to have a “honeymoon” 5 years later because we had a small child and I’m completely happy with that, wouldn’t expect any less. Any time away we go
together.

Your sister sounds like a little princess.

Enjoy you’re two weeks off :)

Definitely wait 8 years to get married with a 8 year old then need a proper honeymoon. That ship has sailed.

Two weeks to too long.

Given that your DH is not on board, I would look after my niece for two nights straight after the wedding then hope that her grandparents could look after her for the remainder of the time. At eight, she would be old enough to accompany GP to shops, appointments etc.

Are there other Aunts who could share as well?
It is lovely that the two are having a honeymoon. If I were on my own, I'd be happy to look after her for longer.

The in-laws gifted the holiday knowing the child either went along or needed looking after. They should be on the hook for the chikd care, I think. I would simply say, After everything I've done to help out I need a break. I have my own family to attend to.
The sister should absolutely understand and there should be any expectations, guilt or hard feelings.

I think you’re being selfish. You could share the child care between you. And why is GCSE prep so stressful for you? Surely it’s your child that took the exams? You all seem rather pressured when actually it’s the 8 year old that suffers the most being unwanted by all the family. I’d contact your sister and say you’ll help share the child care between you all and she can have a nice honeymoon. You could have some lovely beach days which are cheap and fun and help bonding with your neice. Your husband would probably enjoy it too, the weather is currently very nice so you could do picnics, beach etc, much more exciting than just hanging around for two weeks with your husband alone. Your children my enjoy it too and maybe help entertain their cousin?

There’s nothing typical there at all. All people and families are different

Nah, they should have planned better. (What was the point of keeping it a secret at all, if they were telling her before the wedding, anyway?) Having your niece for 2 or 3 days would be enough. They'll have to find someone else in the family or among their friends who can cover the rest—or just take her with them.

Two weeks is a long time to have someone else’s child, even when you aren’t exhausted. No.

I have kids and I'm not married, I've been with my partner for 20 years though. All three kids are jointly ours. I'm not planning on ever getting married. I could but it would literally only change my surname.

We're obviously coming from complete opposite views on this. I doing think either is right or wrong by the way.

Can I ask why you wouldn't have a child unless he'd put a ring on your finger? If you loved each other and had been together a few years? What does that mean or what things would it really change? If you're happy and committed to each other anyway what does a wedding change?

That’s nice of her! Your sister isn’t big into considering other people - is she? Poor kid if she gets wind of this. I would consider a week long a very reasonable time for a child free honeymoon when you have a child. I’d stick to your guns and offer a weekend. You and your family are just as important too. The work and school year is long and summer annual leave is precious. As someone who is also help care for a sick in law atm I also understand the demands of this too xx