AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

Brides dress, hen do organising and buying all the crap that entails, decorations (procuring, making then setting up) wedding favours, sorting out the venue (looking round them), catering.
Helping the bride in the lead up the week before, making sure the venue is ok, decorated if DIYing it. Making sure everything runs smoothly on the day.
On top of a full time job and caring responsibilities.
Currently helping a friend in similar circumstances, I am shattered.

Edited to add, it's the time consuming table decorations that are flooring me, though I am just doing an hour a night at the mo.

Her relationship with her DH and DCs may similarly never recover if she has her DNiece for a week when they were all expecting family downtime.

This.

@99bottlesofkombucha that’s far too long an explanation as ILs or Sis will just push back on parts of it.

”I’ve booked leave to spend time with DH and DCs after their exams, and it is important to
our family” is fine.

I wouldn’t discuss with your sister to be honest. I would tell her not to worry you’ll talk to the in laws and then make it plain to them that you are fully committed for that fortnight and can’t help.

The groom expected to take her and its her mother who doesnt want to. The in laws were not being presumptuous in expecting the OP to look after the child because they didnt think that would be the case. I suspect with their DiL not wanting to take her child they have been forced into trying to find a solution..
This is completely down to your sister.
She needs to take her child on the family holiday that has been gifted. She is extremely lucky to have been given that.
If she wants a "honeymoon" she can sort out two days away and ask someone to have her child then.
As someone else has said poor little girl.

Why is the groom an idiot what has he done wrong? he assumed the child was going with them?

would be good to hear what his issue is then?

I think they should have been doing some of the extra childcare pre wedding then, as it was all on you and now you’re exhausted. The groom is an idiot.

its kind of you to offer to do some of the two weeks and I appreciate your work constraints. You don’t seem to appreciate that I have been doing considerable time looking after x as support for dsis leading up to the wedding, and juggling my work around that with late nights and then also playing a big role in wedding prep, it’s been a huge load. I’m exhausted. I’m sorry it’s turned out like this, and I want dsis to have a wonderful honeymoon, but I don’t have anything left in the tank. To make this work I needed to have been asked much earlier so I could communicate the amount of babysitting and wedding prep I could fit in and also do a week after the wedding. A weeks childcare is a huge ask and I’m frustrated nobody thought about this earlier or perhaps assumed I can just take on whatever people want me to do.

As per the OP’s posts, her BIL was expecting to take their DD

Why would he? he thought the child was going with them

If her partner was aware, why on earth didn’t he plan for the childcare? Presumably it’s his child @NotHappyFamilies? very poor on his part.
ETA .. sorry just saw he was expecting the child to go with them…

YANBU. If you took out the bit in your OP about being exhausted after someone else's wedding, you'd have got less stick. You work full time and have gone through GCSEs (good luck!) and want some down time with your husband. A couple with a child aren't having a honeymoon, they're having a holiday to celebrate their wedding and it seems odd that she wants to leave her daughter with someone else for 2 weeks. She's being a cf and needs to accept she's not some ingénue, blushing bride. Just say, can't do it, got plans.

She hasn’t taken any annual leave since Christmas. She has caring responsibilities for elderly relatives, teenage kids and a full time job.

Why shouldn’t she want a holiday of her own?

Why is her sisters holiday more important?

What a joyous wedding it’s going to be for the little girl whose parents are disappearing for 2 weeks afterwards. All the plans for the one big day and then nothing special afterwards for her.
I suspect in-laws and sis have lost sight of her in all this. They’ve put OP in a difficult position as all her help in the planning will be forgotten if she, quite rightly, now prioritises herself and her own family.
I would have a heart to heart with sis and try to encourage her to take her daughter on holiday.

who leaves their 8 year old for 2 weeks!

Again, read all the OP’s posts - she has a lot more going on.

In any case, we all get 5 weeks or so of annual leave as downtime from work. Having someone volunteer us (and the rest of our family) for childcare duties whilst they go on holiday during one of those weeks is selfish, whatever else is happening in our lives.

Dreadful business!!

Hi @NotHappyFamilies I've just read all your posts and you sound like such a kind and caring person. I get that the GCSE journey can be tense as you're maybe doing more for your kid than normal to support them and their tiredness, nerves and moods!!
You are also caring for an elderly relative and have had no leave from your FT job since Xmas. This is tiring in itself.
Helping someone organise something, doing it maybe their way, biting your tongue, being supportive and spending your limited down time on this - is also very very tiring.

You sound like you have a lovely husband and want downtime with him. You deserve this - well and truly!!!

In my mind you have no reason to justify, or apologise for your desire to have some time with your husband. I would offer the time you feel able to have your niece and do some fun things that you also like on those days.

say a calm NO to the rest.

IF there are any histrionics, just stay calm and say "I understand you're upset, if you want i can help brainstorm some other ideas that also work for your daughter - as I can't change my commitments further". Also you never have to see your sister's PIL again!

Good luck OP - i hope you get your break ans well deserved rest soon x

If you RTFT, or even just OP’s posts, you will see this isn’t the case.

I don’t understand how it can be that tiring helping your sister with her wedding.

This is what happens when people don’t read the full thread.

The reason why the groom didn't sort out childcare, is because he assumed that they'd be taking their daughter with them on honeymoon. Your sister is now the one, who's saying 'No, I want a child-free honeymoon'. Unfortunately, your sister can't just assume other people are willing to look after her daughter. Suddenly deciding she wants a 'proper honeymoon', isn't an option when she has a child, and asking people 2 weeks before the wedding to look after her daughter.

Technically, yes you could look after your niece for a week, and share care with your BIL's family but no one should have assumed you would! If your BIL's family can't look after your niece for 2 weeks, then your niece will have to go with them.

You aren't obliged to look after your niece and if you don't want to, then don't do it. My only concern would be, what damage by saying No, will it cause to your relationship with your sister?

I would offer to have niece for a week to give my sister a honeymoon. Honestly, this is a one-off & surely a week is enough time to recover from someone else’s wedding .

So much wrong with this.

Someone’s forgotten they aren’t a blushing bride but a woman with a child.

And your sister wanting to be away from her daughter for a whole fortnight is very off.

The in-laws made this mess, they need to make the arrangements, not leave the bride to fix it. It’s half a gift. And not the hard work part.

Oh no, poor little girl.