AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

Well, I’m glad I don’t run in the same circles as you if that’s your experience.

My sister and I are each others village, and we are very much on a level playing field with regards to effort put in.

i appreciate that isn’t the dynamic of all families, but that’s mine.

But the sis never provided free childcare for OP’s DC and now expects OP’s annual leave. And isn’t accepting no as an answer. The loudest “it takes a village” crowd are often those only on the receiving end; not the giving end.

I have three siblings, we're all married. My sister is closest in age to me, lives very nearby and I was her maid of honour so was most involved in her wedding run up compared to the others.

I didn't even take two weeks off to recover from the stress and overwhelm of my own wedding so I'm baffled as to how you've expended so much energy on your sister's.

If my sister had her children at the time of her wedding yes, I'd absolutely have said I'd have them for a week and my parents would have them for the other. I'd have a fabulous time doing all the local things that 8 year old love doing but 18 year olds have grown out of. Then I'd use the other week for a holiday with my husband and our older teenage children.

As someone else has picked up on, it doesn't sound like you're particularly close to your sister or your niece/nephew, especially when you refer to them as "her child". I like my nephews!

Also, how often does someone get married? This isn't just some random holiday.

Yes, it does seem unfair that the goalposts have been moved this late in the day but I wouldn't be so butthurt about it.

All that said, I haven't ever been away from my kids for a whole fortnight. Maybe 8's old enough but when we got married our older two were about 4 and 2 years old so we just went away for a long weekend for our honeymoon and our parents were very happy to help out.

Honeymoons don't have to be a trip of a lifetime to be special, they don't have to be super long or expensive or far away.

It's lovely for people who can afford to do that but we only manage to make one week away in the UK work for our family most years so a 2 week honeymoon seems an incredible treat!

Not saying I'd jump at the chance to have my nephew in a holier-than-thou way. I'd genuinely just be happy to have them. I do think 2 weeks starts taking the piss though so I'd definitely pitch 1 week with you, 1 week with her in-laws. And let her have the honeymoon then let you have a special week the week after.

If the in laws have offered the honeymoon and want them both to have one then they can do the childcare, either that or they take the child with them and have a holiday.

Personally I think two weeks holiday without your child when you could perfectly well take them (not a business trip, not during school term) is a bit of a race to the bottom parenting attitude.

But there is also more to it than that the bride wants child-free time: she is expecting the OP to forgo a child-free break when she isn't prepared to do the same herself.

To which I would add, both OP and her Dsis are mid-way (by some years) through relationships. Why is the Dsis' relationship more in need of quality time together than the OP's? Quite apart from the fact the child in question doesn't actually belong to the OP.

ILs offered their house
BIL accepted, assuming they would take their child with them
DSis. then asks for 2 weeks childcare to have a child free honeymoon

Just say no, OP. If the ILs have chosen to say they would do a week that’s up to them, it doesn’t act as leverage for you to do the same

This is your holiday, your annual leave. Your DH’s annual leave … why should he spend it minding an 8 yo? However much you love her?

Marriages are important. As in yours and DH’s marriage. With your caring responsibilities etc you need holiday time together.

LOL at the ‘you’re selfish’ pps. Can you imagine a thread “I have booked AL to spend holiday time with my DH, lots of lovely things planned. But now he has agreed to have his 8 yo nephew for us to look after for the week’.

None of this means you don’t love your DSis, or your niece. It means you had holiday booked so aren’t available for the huge ask that a week’s care is.

How close are you to your BIL? Can he revert to the idea of the child going on holiday with them?

We got married post children and you just accept you are not going to be able to disappear off on a long, child free honeymoon for 2 weeks!

My parents very kindly offered to look after our children for a week.

It’s pretty simple really 2 weeks is too long (and also not fair on the child). The ILs have offered the holiday home so they can cover one week. They don’t need to go for two weeks!

So you have:
a teen just gone through GCSEs (which is stressful for all as it takes up so much of their lives with so many exams)
a MIL who is seriously ill, who you are sharing care off and supporting your DH
a stressful job that you haven’t had a break from
you have been supporting your sister is planning a big wedding.

Fully justifiable in saying you want a holiday! Just becuase you are holidaying at home,it is still your holiday! Particularly for your husband who is facing the possible death of his mum soon.

Ultimately it depends on how your sister is going to react long term by you saying no… if she’s the type that will shrug it off and continue as normal then I would stick to the no reply.
If she’s the type that will let it affect your entire future relationship but you don’t mind if it does then stick with the no.
If she’s is the type to let it affect your future relationship between her and your neice and you do care if it does, then I think you’ll have to suck up a week.
My sister would definitely take offence, but despite loving her to bits I’m also stubborn so would dig my heels in about doing something I didn’t want to, our relationship probably wouldn’t recover, thankfully she’s never asked me for more then a weekend! 😂

No, it wasn’t. The groom assumed they’d be going together.

The reality then OP is that you're not really on holiday for two weeks if you're still providing care for MIL, you are just not in work for those two weeks. All the responsibilities of caring for MIL are still in place, being restricted to where you can go and when are still in place, MIL caring needs will always be at the back of your mind. I think it's fucking cheeky of the in-laws to contact you demanding You do at least a week of childcare, that tells me they expect you to do the majority of it. Tell them all you're not available as you have commitments to MIL and let them sort it.

The thing is it isn't actually a Honeymoon is it? It's a holiday for two people who have been a couple for over 9 years and one of them doesn't want to take their child on that holiday.

OP, you want a holiday too but somehow your sister wants to add an 8 year old to the package of your responsibilities during your fortnight. Hmmmm, when do you and your husband and/or family get their free two weeks in France 😉

We all know that having children changed logistics, we all know children are a responsibility, but it’s not a race to the bottom. Some parents are fine with going away for two weeks, and would easily be able to do it because they have a village.
some have the village, but not the inclination.
some would love to have some time away, but don’t have the village.

the only issue here is that OP doesn’t want to provide childcare. Which is absolutely fine, advising her to stick to her guns and say no is one thing. Slagging the sister because she would like childfree time is another.

I don’t think you can possibly have read all the OP’s posts - she’s provided a lot of childcare over the years and is doing so in the run up to the wedding.

She’s allowed to decide how she wants to spend her annual leave.

We accepted that, having had a child before we married, being a parent would still take priority when we did. Our daughter was an integral part of our wedding and came on holiday with us afterwards. Perfect ❤️

You have a very poorly MIL whom you are caring for as well. I am staggered your sister has even asked you op. In this scenario there is no chance I would do any childcare at all, you need to recover. It’s too much to deal with.

No - the offer was made anticipating she would take her child!!

Good grief OP you have a lot on your plate! You should have mentioned this one earlier, you might have fended off the idiot posters saying you can’t possibly be tired.

YANBU, your sister is very cheeky to ask and is showing a complete lack of empathy for you. Enjoy your 2 weeks off. And remember the Mumsnet parlance - “No” is a complete sentence.

The option hasn’t been there for her to plan childcare in advance, she just found out about the honeymoon, and those in the know assumed they’d go as a family.
she’s trying to organise it now.

if the OP doesn’t want to have her niece then that’s fine, but it’s not as if her sister booked the honeymoon a year ago, and is o my now scrambling around.

I would echo an earlier poster's reply regarding responding saying that it's lovely that the sisters - in - law are doing that for them and reminding them that you provided the childcare in the run up to the wedding to enable the bride to attend appointments un-hindered alongside being an unofficial wedding planner/assistant for her which has taken a lot out of you on top of your full-time job.

I'm curious, did your sister stop at one child because she finds parenting hard work generally and didn't want to add any more children to her family as a result ?

Honestly I'd say no too.
You have pre booked time off as you are tired from your own family life as well as helping with the wedding prep. You have plans already.
I'd just message back your SIL and say sorry you can't as you have things planned. It would be nice to give them time and if you had more notice you maybe could have helped but you can't.

I have a very push in law family and when it comes to saying no to my MIL in particular she doesn't like it. I've learn No is a full sentence in some situations.

Thanks for that

Of course not, but if you have a child and you want a honeymoon, you are responsible for planning their childcare in advance and soliciting it from willing providers. If they want a childfree break - they should plan a long weekend with childcare offered and agreed well in advance.

So, yes, if you have a child together and defer getting married, then you sadly have to accept that you won’t be getting ‘couple’ time very often until they are grown. Like the rest of us who don’t have siblings we can foist our kids on.

I think the groom has behaved well in this instance.

He assumed the dc was coming ( which is the right attitude imo).

It is the bride who, when given a free holiday, wanted to add the bells and whistles of free childcare.

Has anyone asked the 8yo opinon on the matter?

If your parents disappeared for 2 weeks on holiday and got left behind what would you think about them? Do 8yo's understand about honeymoons?