Secretly I hate when my friends give up drinking

Replace alcohol in this context with cocaine, have an OP state that people who don’t do coke are just boring and she considers them to be second rate friends as she said about those who don’t drink.

Would people be defending that? Saying that anyone who disagreed was rude and boring? No? Didn’t think so.

In this context alcohol is no different. The only difference is that alcohol is legal. But the fact is that alcohol does far more damage than coke, because we have normalised it to the extent that people who don’t drink are considered to be second rate.

What this actually comes down to is that OP doesn’t have any friends. Not real ones.

She is incapable of socialising without the support of alcohol. To the extent that she considers people who don’t drink to be beneath her. She said so herself.

There is a vast difference between someone who enjoys a glass of wine or two and who likes to go out for a drink, and someone who actively judges people who don’t drink on the same night out as being second rate.

Enjoying a glass of wine or two with dinner or on a night out doesn’t make you dependent on alcohol. Although it should never be forgotten that alcohol is an addictive substance.

But being unable to socialise without alcohol, considering those who don’t drink to be beneath you and unworthy of your friendship because you need them to validate your choices absolutely does.

How much and how often do you typically drink OP? What sort of drinkers were your friends?

I don't get why it makes a difference to you what someone else has in their glass.
If I'm having a drink i have wine. Sometimes i have one at home because I feel like it and my husband doesn't.
Sometimes I don't have any when I go out because I'm driving or because I just don't want to. It makes no difference to me what my friends and family have in their glass

How much

So all responses should just be, “yes OP I get sad about that too”

'Second tier day friends'? WOW!

Of course, and all the older people on here have acknowledged that. But we (and OP) are still allowed to feel sad about it.

I can't drink - I have liver cirrhosis and it will kill me.

Sorry that's annoying for you. It's annoying for me too!

“I don't understand why anyone would have friendships like that, or would have friendships like that which they can only tolerate with alcohol.”

if you’re not being rude (which I also think you were) then you’ve really missed the point of the thread in the above quote

Where did I say I was a non-drinker? I'm not judging anyone for drinking! Its boring and stiff friendships that aren't candid and fun that I'm critical of. I don't understand why anyone would have friendships like that, or would have friendships like that which they can only tolerate with alcohol.

There is no need to be this rude to other posters.

Why is it always the non-drinkers who are this awful about other people's choices.

No, other posters are not boring, just because they don't make the same choice you make.

I agree op. It's definitely a vibe thing. Not if there's a whole load of people but if you're out in a small group (as I tend to be).

And it's often people who abused their bodies for years becoming sanctimonious to people who drink in moderation.

I don't have a problem with alcohol - I have a low enough tolerance that I can feel one glass of wine, have plenty of interests, exercise regularly etc etc

If your Mums friendships were stiff and boring ones and were never tipsy/mellow/drunk/fuzzy/candid/whatever you want to call it, then theres always the possibility they were just with boring stiff people.

If you and your friends can't roar with laughter, tease each other, be silly, confide in each other, open up, laugh some more, sing along to favourite songs, scream at the football, dance, laugh, be candid and have 'in' jokes and daft conversations without alcohol then it's you and your friends who are boring stiff people too.

Sounds like you've taken after your Mother.

The issue is you don’t enjoy your friends’ company anymore though, isn’t it?

to me it has zero to do with "healthy choices"

That's a reasonable outlook OP, if you genuinely feel that way.
These are your friends, people you have already bonded with, and unless they feel and behave differently towards you for your personal choice of beverage, then surely you could be less critical towards their choice, and be supportive of them for making a personal, and let's face it; positive health and welfare choice.

This is absolutely not part of the diagnostic criteria for alcoholism. 😂

Has anyone said she’s an alcoholic? (Maybe but I haven’t read every post). I think people are just saying it’s a shame OP can’t enjoy her friends’ company when alcohol isn’t in the equation. I don’t know how old OP is but eventually things always change, either by giving up drink or getting married or having children, or becoming very career minded, you either have to adapt to those changing dynamics or lose what could be very good friends. It happens to most of our friendships as we age from say 18 to 40s when these big changes are more likely to happen.

I agree but you'll get all the pearl clutchers on here to say that you're an alcoholic (which you are not ) and anyone who enjoys a drink is evil. People do behave differently when they drink/don't drink so it's natural to feel differently about a night out if people aren't drinking.

so like I said, its not the alcohol, its the judgement.

What I find difficult is when friendship /alcohol relationships and patterns change.

e.g.one friend who lives a distance from our city and has to drive. All our nights out together are non-drinking. We have a routine: non-alcoholic cocktails in one place; dinner in another; coffee in a third location. And we always have a brilliant time and a great laugh. It's all fine, no alcohol needed for either of us.

Or a friend who doesn't like the taste of wine, but always goes to the effort of buying some wine for when I stay. I'm happy to have a couple of glasses, she's happy to have juice.

But... another friend where our connection was formed over long late nights and a couple of bottles of wine... putting the world to rights and sharing things we might not otherwise have shared. That pattern changed and I'm finding our friendship is struggling to adjust - not because I'm craving a drink but because they way we shared was facilitated by wine and we've not yet adapted to sharing when we're stone cold sober. We'll get there, I'm sure.

Most difficult is siblings-in-law who have all made conscious decisions to decrease alcohol (doesn't help that in their collective decision they have taken on a collectively judgemental approach) Christmas is a difficult one to navigate. All fine if I'm hosting, I can make my own choices but last year at one sibling-in-law's house there was one bottle of wine between 5 of us. And I did feel too inhibited to ask for another bottle to be opened so I could have a second glass.

I think I may just be allergic to alcohol. One glass of wine almost knocks me out. It’s always been more like an anaesthetic than an enjoyable drink for me. Luckily it’s never impeded on my having fun with friends.