To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

I go to funerals with my choir and I always dress smartly. Level of smart depends on how close I am to the deceased

Some of the choir come dressed for their day but we are out of the way above the mourners.

Buried close family member last week and whilst clothing was a mixed bag it wasn't out and out slovenly. We went from pall bearers in matching full on black suits black ties white shirts very smart. I wore a smart cotton dress as appropriate for work as a funeral. Chief mourner wore a summer dress her departed husband picked out for the funeral. Funerals are hard to dress for. Easier in winter I think.

Oh no, not funky haircuts! The horror, the horror.

What's wrong with mauve? That's in the purple spectrum which is traditional for half-mourning. Not particularly unreasonable.

I am strongly hoping this is parody. Mauve - a light, summery subtle purple - seems entirely appropriate. Several of the (many) ordained clergy attending a recent family funeral wore the mauve version of the standard ‘dog collar’ blouse / shirt.

Absolutely no excuse whatsoever to rock up to a funeral in dirty clothes, flip flops etc.

NO excuse? Dementia? Mental illness? Poverty? Having come direct from a dirty physical job, using a minimal lunch break to attend?

You do not get to dictate who will choose to mourn someone’s death. Some of those who mourn may be suffering old age, dementia, loss of continence, loss of decision-making capacity, mental illness, disability, neurodivergence etc etc, or may genuinely be snatching an hour out of low-paid work that keeps a roof over their heads. If we shut out those who do not meet our standards of ‘respectability’, we may be missing some of those who miss the deceased most acutely.

I think that is it - Standards. I have never got over my MIL turning up at my mum's funeral in a mauve jacket. Even if I am not in the funeral party, I always dress for the occasion.

Totally understand, OP,and id feel the same.
Absolutely no excuse whatsoever to rock up to a funeral in dirty clothes, flip flops etc.
Seems quite symptomatic of a wider issue in society - that people just cant be bothered to put in any effort for anything.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad x

I am not part of the blue hair brigade at all, and that is a weird assumption to make.
But you do you.

Totally understand, OP,and id feel the same.
Absolutely no excuse whatsoever to rock up to a funeral in dirty clothes, flip flops etc.
Seems quite symptomatic of a wider issue in society - that people just cant be bothered to put in any effort for anything.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad x

Note that often, many of the mourners don’t know the family in order to gauge ‘what the surviving family would prefer’.

So, by your logic, if you don’t know what the family prefer, it follows that it’s ok to turn up in a grubby t-shirt and joggers… Insanity…

Perhaps, but it’s never grubby t-shirt, joggers and trainers

I just know you are part of the blue hair brigade.

It never fails to surprise me how people dress. I went to sports day and end of year awards at school last Saturday and everyone was wearing either a nice dress/ linen trousers, chinos/ shorts and a shirt. It was dressing fir a nice occasion.

In my previous job, it was a professional environment and some of our administrators would turn up in baggy t shirts and jeans/ funky hair cuts. It looks scruffy and feckless.

Of course you turn out well presented at a funeral.

How you present yourself says a lot about you. It's a reflection of class, pride in yourself and respect for the situation you are in.

I know funerals are more casual these days and many people pop out of work etc. to come which could explain some of it - but dirty tracksuits are unacceptable - if you wouldn’t go to a restaurant or a night out dressed like that you certainly shouldn’t attend a funeral like that. Sorry for your loss op.
try not to dwell on it - it’s tough when you’re grieving and feeling fraught I know, but try and focus on the nice parts of the funeral

I would also say that ‘reasonably smart and tidy’, in a heatwave, would include strappy dresses, and would definitely include tidy jeans, and also workwear from anyone attending in the middle of the day.

It is not unchanging for all times and places, obviously, because what's polite and acceptable changes with the society. However, unless there was a clear alternative preference expressed something relatively smart and subdued will always be appropriate at a standard English funeral. It really isn't hard. The fact that people are arguing against the standard proves that they know what that standard is and why it exists.

I can't help but notice that some, though not all, of the "it's so morally superior to not give a shit if people attend a funeral in dirty shitty clothes" people have made some absolutely disgusting posts to the OP - there have been deletions. I don't think I'll be taking funeral etiquette advice r moral guidance from people who can't resist insulting a grieving daughter because they disagree with her.

That, however, is not what the poster specified. They particularly said plain and black.

I have, unfortunately, had a summer of funerals. Over the hundreds of attendees, I would say that ‘reasonably smart and tidy’, interpreted for the individual, covered almost everyone, and for those it didn’t, age, infirmity, mental state, illness or disability made their clothing entirely irrelevant.

Plain and black? About 3 people, and in one of those 3 it appeared strange and performative from a very minor attendee.

YANBU. I agree, I’m a similar age to you and would wear a smart black dress, my husband would wear a suit. I’m sorry for your loss.

Etiquette is time- and place-specific, though, not unchanging and for all time.

Ugh, I can't simplify it any further. Etiquette exists and is a thing, no matter how much you say "no it's not", which is all this post is. You may not like it, you may not agree with it, you may wish to abolish it, and over time it can change, but it simply absolutely is, however much you deny it.

You actually admit it; first you say there's no default and then you immediately mention a past default, even calling it a default. It's changed, because times do change, but etiquette still exists. And it still isn't appropriate to wear whatever the fuck you want - dirty joggers, strappy tops, swimsuits or belly dance costumes - to a serious and sombre occasion with grieving people.

The PP who talked about people being really obtuse on this was so right.

Agree with the op. You dress smartly in black unless told otherwise.

Those saying it’s not a big deal are the type that attend funerals looking a bag of shit. No respect for the dead, the grieving or for themselves.

A relative of mine turned up at a funeral with a skull handbag. Honestly are some people so stupid you have to explain that this is not appropriate ? 🤷‍♀️

I think that wearing reasonably smart, tidy clothing, in sombre colours unless specified otherwise by the family, to a funeral is not just the default code in one specific social environment, @cantkeepawayforever - it is the default code in very many social environments.

Ah, no, you are missing mine.

There is no default. Genuinely, there is no default. You may think that YOUR convention is THE default (to be fair, a very common position), without that being true.

I was brought up where the default was that no women attended funerals. Had I remained where that ‘micro default’ was the default, yes, I would have carried into late adulthood the belief that that was THE default. It does’t make it true.

Had to google in case I was going mad for a second there, but nope - seems pretty clear to me that there is a social norm/ expected dress code and just because your Uncle Bob or next door neighbour wanted football kits of everyone wearing turquoise, that remains an exception to the norm rather than the established, long accepted norm.

People making out like it's a choice of having people there appropriately dressed or having fewer people there - it's so obtuse! Why can't people just turn up dressed looking reasonably smart, not in stained jogging bottoms or with too much flesh on display? I can't think of a single reason, despite the incredible and reaching list of excuses given here, for anyone not to manage that.

I've been to a funeral 9 months pregnant in a heatwave, I still managed to source a black dress that met basic standards, bought inexpensively in a supermarket. When my mum was dying herself of cancer and having to be taken in a wheelchair, in pain and with none of her own clothes fitting her anymore, she attended her friend's husband's funeral looking appropriate and well put together. So sorry if I don't buy the 'well it's comfier for them' excuse.