To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

That sums up my thoughts too.

That would be believable, if everyone and their uncle’s, grandma’s dog didn’t turn up to special occasions dressed extremely casual. It’s not just a one off, people are finding any excuse they can to “dress for comfort”. It’s happening all over the place all the time. People turning up to special occasions dressed like they have just been cleaning their toilet. So I doubt it’s just people who happened to be sat in the pub tagging along to the funeral.

Yeah the holier-than-thou "all these people have GIVEN UP their PRECIOUS TIME to pay their respects" the scruff-defenders are coming out with is a bit grating.

I'm sure that was the case for the majority of mourners but let's not pretend that there aren't people out there who attend funerals out of nosiness, because they're bored, fancy a free buffet, hope there might be some aircon, want to take the opportunity to bend someone's ear about a new business venture or guilt trip a grieving family member into lending them some money, etc.

Apart from anything else it's a bit condescending to insist on this fiction about all these salt-of-the-earth kind hearted types who have managed to beg the foreman to be allowed an hour out of the pit to doff their caps in their sole workday outfit.

They don’t republish every year and plenty of etiquette they advocate hasn’t changed much since I was first introduced to Debrett’s as a youngster.

I am surprised it isn’t common knowledge that flowers for the funeral procession are sent to the funeral directors running the funeral. For obvious reasons they are sent to the deceased by name.

Flowers not part of the funeral procession are addressed to the family member you are sending them to, like any gift of flowers.

The feelings of the family of the deceased (so in this thread the OP) take precedence over our own within reason, and are always to be excused if uncharacteristically impolite- ideally excused without drawing attention to it.

He was a very respectable type, much better off and ‘grander’ than my family. Just had no concept of boundaries…. like when he decided to visit his old primary school and hopped over a low wall and into the door to start wandering round the classrooms. I was horrified. He saw no issue.

I’m with you OP. I think it’s a general trend though sadly. I went to a Christening recently and most people looked like they’d strolled out of their back yard. Kids in play clothes - dirty, adults in sweats and strappy tops. I think people are frankly just more self- centred. They make it about them and what makes them feel comfortable. I was taught that effort= respect. You don’t have to be fancy or spend money, but be clean and tidy. It basically says, ‘you’re lucky I’m here and I will wear what I want’ Weddings are going the same way. I think some people also think it makes them ‘nonchalant’ too or cool- I see it as arrogant and rude.

I did wonder - given that the OP says these were pub-drinking friends of her father’s - whether in fact some of this group had not necessarily intended to attend. I can imagine a scenario in which one or two pop into the pub, and others, seeing them, had decided to come along too.

(I will here cite the example of my FiL, who tended to pop into funerals happening at his local churches, wearing whatever he was wearing at the time, whether he knew the deceased or not)

Exactly. It’s just the “trendy” thing to do now. Nobody dresses up to go out anymore. It’s all trainers and jeans. They don’t dress appropriately for christenings, funerals, weddings. They just turn up in yesterday’s clothes.

But re the rest, I'd put good money on Debrett's never being updated in the future to say it's fine to turn up to a funeral in sportswear, anything dirty or anything more suited to the beach.

I can't edit my previous post any more, but I did just want to add a qualifier re sportswear - obviously different in a situation such as XenoBitch described, where it's the only garment available at the time. That's different to stumbling in with mud up your joggers looking like you've just come from Parkrun.

And I think it's disingenuous when people claim they're dressing scruffy for 'comfort'. Smart clothing might have been uncomfortable at one time but it's not about stiff starched collars and things like that any more, there's loads of stuff available in more forgiving drapey fabrics that aren't at all uncomfortable.

Different issue if someone's not already got any smart clothing and can't afford to buy anything new, obviously - especially in these times. But even then, it's just as easy to pick the smartest casual outfit you own as the scruffiest. That's still making an effort - everything's relative.

That is surprising! (re the flowers I mean)

But re the rest, I'd put good money on Debrett's never being updated in the future to say it's fine to turn up to a funeral in sportswear, anything dirty or anything more suited to the beach.

And yet Debrett's updates itself every year, and acknowledges that etiquette changes over time. While it does advise sober, dark clothing as a safe default, its funeral online section is actually headed 'Changing Funeral Etiquette', and it also says that dresscodes for funerals are 'reasonably flexible' and cautions against 'flamboyant hats and dramatic outfits' because they look 'self-preoccupied'. For some people, the OP's fascinator would certainly come under the category of 'flamboyant'. I imagine that Debrett's would also point out that starting an internet thread to criticise the dress of people who'd attended your father's funeral is remarkably poor manners.

And I would be extremely surprised if anyone follows the Debrett's funeral guidance that all flowers should come with a card addressed to the deceased, not his/her surviving family.

I feel like lots of people on here need to get better acquainted with Debrett’s- the ‘go to’ authority on etiquette in the UK.

Only the go to authority for people who have a stick up their arse.

I feel like lots of people on here need to get better acquainted with Debrett’s- the ‘go to’ authority on etiquette in the UK.

Debrett’s guidance is that mourners should wear smart, subdued clothing that does not draw attention to themselves. Dark colours are the accepted convention, with black remaining the traditional choice. The emphasis is on respect and dignity rather than fashion or comfort. And to only do otherwise if specifically instructed by the family.

That’s different, if he really had no other option at such short notice. This thread is more about those who purposely dress in casual low effort clothes no matter what the event. Not all of them will have split trousers. It seems to be a trend nowadays to see who can dress the scruffiest to an event where you would be expected to dress appropriately for that event.

The widow of the deceased in your situation may have been happy he turned up. But the op isn’t happy that people turned up to her dad’s funeral looking like they couldn’t be arsed to be there. It wasn’t just one person who turned up and said “I had no other choice but to wear these joggers as my trousers split this morning”, there were quite a few of them turned up dressed for a shop at Tesco. And it’s like this everywhere now. People creating threads on MN to ask what trainers to wear for a wedding, people turning up at weddings and other special events in trainers or crocs.

My dad wore tracksuit bottoms (plain black and were clean and tidy) because his smart trousers split on the morning of the funeral. He did not own any others.

The widow of the deceased was just pleased he had turned up and was there to pay his respects.

Totally agree. Just because it might be an open invitation to everyone who knew the deceased person rather than a direct invite on a card, doesn’t mean should turn up looking like a scruff!
Some people will use any excuse to wear the most casual, low effort outfit they can find because it’s ‘comfy’ and it’s all about them, not the deceased or their grieving close relatives 🙄

Many of the funerals I’ve attended have been open invitation. The family is too bereaved to start sending out formal invites. I would never attend a christening if not directly invited.

lol okay that’s what you’re running with- unless you get a card telling you not to dress like a homeless person at an event, you’re going to think it’s okay to dress like a homeless person? That sounds as special as your school must have been.

For the record Christenings are often open events. Much more open than funerals. Most funerals are by invitation, even if it’s an open invitation to all who knew the person. Only weirdo’s or the police attend a funeral service or wake without either a direct invitation from the family or the family making it clear all are invited… so if you’re going to a funeral or a wake, it stands to reason you’re either a weirdo or a copper or you’ve been invited.

Only a few months ago, a child in our school died suddenly and the school checked with the family if school friends (and parents) were invited. Nobody would have attempted to attend without that invitation. Thankfully nobody tried showed up in sliders and sports shorts but they would have been kicked-out if they had. God could you imagine turning up to the funeral of a child dressed like you just got in from the cleaning the car. 😩

I’m not sure it’s that simple. Grief unfolds at different levels for different people. Some of us need a degree of levity in the early stages to get us through to the deeper harder grief that comes later.

I’m not saying anyone forced them into it, but that they are hiding from confronting their own grief, which is not going to help them in the long run. And wearing cheerful colours doesn’t in itself mean they are hiding from their grief either, it’s not as simplistic as that. But I have personally known quite a few people who are hell-bent on trying to avoid feeling sad at any cost, and it’s not healthy.

Completely understand - and that was why I specified that only 1 of the three in back appeared performative. The other 2 were either people who always wear black, or who were wearing black because that’s their ‘decent neat Sunday best outfit’. The third was - well, just performative. Full black dress, black tights, black shoes, hat-with-black veil, at 3 pm on a 35 degree afternoon for a memorial billed as a celebration.

I may however, like the OP, have fallen into the trap of ascribing motive to a choice to dress in a particular way. It may have been their only clean, decent garment for the occasion. They may have been more deeply affected for reasons that were not immediately obvious. And in any case, their attendance was the point, and was welcomed.

I have been a ‘minor attendee’ at two funerals recently, @cantkeepawayforever, and I wore black for both - not to be performative but because that was the most suitable attire I had - I don’t work and rarely go out, so don’t have a lot of more formal clothing to choose from. I live in bright skirts and t-shirts or dresses.

I would always choose my one black dress for a funeral, if there is no dress code specified.

I do agree with you that a strappy/cool dress in a heatwave sounds suitable and sensible, though personally I’d find jeans a bit too casual - but I probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at black jeans.

I've unfortunately had the responsibility for organising 4 funerals over the past 10 years, and my view is that funerals are for those who are left/the living. I know not everyone agrees with this, but I believe once you're dead, you're dead; and there is no afterlife, etc. So, to me, it's more about those who are still there, mourning the person who died. Therefore, I certainly didn't care how anyone turned up, (but my second cousin's wife, who always dresses a bit more revealing, was a source of some speculation!) It was the fact that people turned up, and came to speak to my Mum/sister/friend (the nearest person to the deceased), and shared stories, or talked about what the deceased had meant to them. Those are the things that stick with me.

I've also had to pop out of work for a couple of hours to attend a funeral of a neighbour/extended family member, and have gone in my work clothes. I don't have to wear a uniform, but we're business casual, so I tend to wear darker colours that day, and take a suit jacket to put on. If it was stinking hot, I'd probably wear navy/black linen trousers and a blouse. The one full Catholic Mass funeral I've been to, there were (mainly older) ladies wearing mantillas, but as I'm not Catholic/religious at all, I stayed nearer the back, and stood up/sat down when my friend's Mum did, but didn't go for communion, obviously.

Anyway, what I mean is that, whilst I would do my best to comply with the common understandings of what happens at a funeral, if I didn't then it wasn't meant as a slur in any way. I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and those of others.

CyanCat stop answering her back .
I’m afraid you’re getting no where 🙈 😂