To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

It’s like I have been saying throughout this post. People seem to be stuck in a time warp since 2020 covid where the covid uniform was joggers / jeans and trainers. Since then they feel the need to stay in these clothes all the time. There has been many a thread on MN for people asking for fashion advice because they’re stuck in a rut with what to wear and have only been wearing joggers since Covid. I believe it’s more to do with people just don’t know how to dress anymore, they can’t be bothered to and because they see everyone else in the same boat, feel that’s what “everyone wears now” and so turn up to these events looking like slobs.

@Flyingintotheunknown i agree with you. But the last couple of funerals have been to I’ve been wondering if those societal expectations are having a shift. People were a bit casual,even scruffy, DH put a suit and tie on for one and I’d have said he was only one of about 6 suits out of 30 or so blokes. And there’d been nothing from the family about be casual.

I think things are changing….

“That's my point - you think there are societal expectations but if there are, they vary with age groups and cultures.”

There ARE societal expectations, not I think!! Societal expectations have been around long before I was born so don’t make it about me thinking it. It’s not about age or culture. I’ve known since the first funeral I went to at 9 years old. I’m in my 40s so I’ve known since 9, know now and will still know when I’m 80 years old! And if you’re trying to tell me they don’t know about these societal expectations well, they must have had their head buried in the sand all their lives!

”And a lot of people, even if they aware that other people think that way, also think they are stupid and outdated rules and expectations that someone once made up and others followed and they are not relevant.”

They can think what they like. The societal expectations are still there and have been for generations!

OP, of course you’re in the right, but this is Mumsnet where caring about ANYTHING from birthday presents to your own wedding to Christmas is looked down on. Virtually everyone has the ability to look neat and tidy and respectable/respectful if they try. Even if people haven’t been to funerals most of them will have eg seen a funeral on TV or in a film!

A few years ago I took a wedding invite at it's word when it said we don't want presents but if you want to give something, you can give cash and I didn't because it had cost me several hundred pounds to attend the wedding. I later found out id committed a social faux pas and should have given money even though the invite said it wasn't being asked for.
That's not a faux pas at all. If people are stupid enough to play games and say we don't want presents but they secretly do that's on them. We said no presents required but if you want to here's a link to a charity page or John Lewis vouchers would be great and meant it. Any of those three options of charity, JL or nothing at all all welcome. Or something of your own choosing if you want too all absolutely lovely

I'm fresh from a funeral, I would always dress smart. So for the viewing/removal last night I did the same but it was28 degrees so most people were in summer dresses or similar. Today is the burial and it's just as hot so probably will be the same .

@OneElatedOpalDuck

those people must live under a rock to not know what you don’t wear white to a wedding and that you always always give a gift when attending a wedding! Honestly there’s no excuse

Posters on here will tie themselves in knots to defend those people who turned up to a funeral in mucky joggers because on mumsnet ‘dressing up’ is detested and it’s a case comfort at costs, nothing matters but me me me and how I feel … but in the real world it’s very slobby to turn up to a funeral how these people have turned up to your fathers funeral , OP

That's my point - you think there are societal expectations but if there are, they vary with age groups and cultures.

A lot of people aren't aware of them at all.

Not everyone knows or agrees that you shouldn't wear white to a wedding or should give a gift of monetary value to 'cover your plate' or not give a gift that isn't on the registry, or that you shouldn't put a coin or cash in a babies pram, or that you should dress for dinner in a hotel or that you should not come down for breakfast in your nightwear. Or not go to the local shop in your nightwear. Or you should always get dressed at home even if you're not going anywhere.

A few years ago I took a wedding invite at it's word when it said we don't want presents but if you want to give something, you can give cash and I didn't because it had cost me several hundred pounds to attend the wedding. I later found out id committed a social faux pas and should have given money even though the invite said it wasn't being asked for.

And a lot of people, even if they aware that other people think that way, also think they are stupid and outdated rules and expectations that someone once made up and others followed and they are not relevant.

“Things have changed. There really aren't societal expectations anymore that everyone is aware of.”

There are still societal expectations, as this thread has shown. If I was invited to a wedding, I would dress appropriately for that event likewise the same for a funeral. However, it’s the “I can’t be arsed to get changed out of my Covid clothes” attitude that people seem to have these days that has lead to more people thinking it’s ok to dress like slobs for special occasions.

If you don't remember what they were wearing it's because they were dressed appropriately and didn't stand out in any way, as is correct. If they'd been dressed like they just came in from the beach or a car wash or like Carmen Miranda, you'd notice.

OP, you are absolutely completely in the right, no matter what some people say. Perhaps some people truly wouldn't mind someone attending their loved one's funeral in ripped dirty denim and flip flops, but that puts absolutely no obligation on anyone else. Some people get very superior about clothing; it's an easy thing to get somewhat Puritan and moralistic about, and in the context of a funeral, such people can also weaponise the death over it to attack the newly bereaved ("how can you care about such superficial things when someone has DIED!").

It's total bullshit. It's not hard or expensive to dress appropriately for a standard English funeral and it's not a moral failing to be upset when people turn up as though it's a summer barbecue. It's definitely a moral failing attack and insult the newly bereaved to make yourself feel superior, though.

I think focus on the fact they turned up, which is a sign of respect. No one wants to go to a funeral. They don’t dress as you would, but they did make an effort to be there.

Things have changed. There really aren't societal expectations anymore that everyone is aware of.

Go to court any day of the week for instance and you'll see people treating it like a family day out and wearing whatever.

I don't go to funerals at all, a personal choice and I think that's becoming more common too.

Your family knows multiple people who would turn up to a funeral with ‘tits and arse’ on show???

I have absolutely no idea what anyone was wearing at my dad’s funeral. Just the sea of faces looking up at me as I read the eulogy - it don’t know who was there and who wasn’t, or what anyone looked like. Do you think you’re focusing on this as a way to shield yourself from grief? Because I’m really surprised this was such a detail for you.

Very true.

Yeah, but you don’t know if he needed that baseball cap to keep the sun from his eyes… it’s been a hot summer don’t you know!

YANBU OP. I find it so odd that people don’t dress appropriately for funerals or weddings either.

At my dad’s funeral, an in law turned up wearing a baseball cap! I honestly would rather he hadn’t bothered to come. It felt so disrespectful especially as my dad was known for dressing smartly at all times.

Sorry for your loss op.

Would you have preferred if they hadn’t had gone to pay their last respects to your father (not to support your family) but for your father?

I'm a good deal older than you OP so have been to more funerals than I would like over the last decade or so 😦and I have definitely noticed this. If people can't make an effort for a funeral, I sometimes wonder if they have ANY idea of dress and presentation as anything more than "wear whatever is lying about that you feel like throwing on that morning".

I think it's sad, and a loss of one small but significant part of social cohesion.

I was actually talking about your funeral practices, but one "best summer ever" doesn't alter the fact that you are usually a cloudy, rainy, country most of the time. We've in the middle of winter with wall to wall sunshine. 😆

For the millionth time I’ve said this….
So joggers and trainers are not going to melt people then? 🙄 Would love to know what makes them much cooler than other clothing. Doesn’t have to be formal wear, just nice cool clothing. Bloody joggers would be at the bottom of my list of cool clothing to wear during a heatwave. Not buying the “it’s too hot to dress properly for a funeral bullshit”. Just lazy ass people wanting to look “cool and trendy” and pretend they are dressing for “comfort”. Bet they must have been sweating their socks off in their desperation to take the Covid trend to the max and look causal as possible because “nobody dresses up anymore” 🙄

Tbf, if it was in the heatwave, people’s standard formal clothing may simply have been unwearably hot, and many women in particular may have had nothing between that and more casual summery outfits. Even churches have been ridiculously warm, and a crematorium chapel, with less heat-resistant architecture and a quick throughput of large groups of people, may have been utterly unbearable.

Looking at eg workwear, it is noticeably ‘scruffier’ in very hot weather, because in general the British are poor at dressing for hot weather and own few suitable non-holiday outfits.