To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

I'm not arrogant thanks.

the last funeral I went to was the funeral of my best friend who died at 42 of cancer and I saw her 5 year old daughter bewildered in the dress she was supposed to wear to her Mums wedding which couldn't happen because she died too soon.

And heard her parents sobbing as they said how much they loved her. And all the music that was played that I now can't hear without breaking down.

I thought WTAF are we all doing here? why are we doing it? is anyone actually comforted by this or is everyone just having the worst day of their lives and will carry the traumatic memories of this that will be triggered for decades when that song comes on the radio, or they see Lillies or whatever?.

How on earth was that 'paying your respects'? just being there being the worst day you could possibly imagine. Looking at the coffin and imagining my best friends cold, dead body in there. Was that me paying my respects?

I paid my respects to her when she was alive. I loved her, deeply for most of my life. I said goodbye to her when she was dying.

If other people want to go to funerals that's up to them but I won't and thats up to me. I couldn't care less what people think.

Just look at this thread and all the other threads of distress caused BY FUNERALS. Someone didn't wear what the judging person thought they should wear, someone thinks this piece of music should have played and not another, someone thinks so and so should have attended, someone thinks so and so shouldn't have attended, someone thinks so and so shouldn't have spoken, someone thinks so and so shouldn't have sat in the first row. Who should get to go in the funeral cars? Complaints about so and so who hasn't seen the deceased in years turning up for a sandwich and a piss-up.

On and on.

There are frequent threads about people and their expectations of what should and shouldn't happen.

How is any of that respecting the dead?

Cut it all out. I won't ever go to another funeral. I'll have a pure cremation, my parents have already said they want the same too and they're the only people i'll be expected to bury.

Same. My SIL wore a white dress with a little bit of black flower pattern on it to my wedding only 15 years ago when I was 32 and she was 34. It is only in the last couple of years since I've seen threads on here that I've discovered I was meant to be offended by that and she would stand out as trying to male a point. She wasn't, she didn't stand out and nobody thought it was in the least inappropriate.

I'm a vintage Goth by style, so finding something black and suitable for all weathers isn't an issue for me. What flummoxes me is when no black or bright colours is a stipulation. Had to dig out a bright red shiny skirt for my ex FILs funeral. But that's how it works in my opinion. No stipulation - formal and sombre. This "but how do people know" hand wringing is very peculiar. How many celebrity funerals have been plastered all over the place for example? I don't recall the Queens funeral being populated by Juicy Couture.

I think it'd cause me far more distress to think someone wasn't going to even bother to turn up to my funeral or that of a loved one on so-called ideological grounds. If that's even the real reason - ime when people trot out the 'it's just a money-making exercise' spiel it's a handy excuse not to do something they can't be arsed doing.

And it's not for you to speak for everyone else on what is or isn't 'necessary'. How arrogant.

It certainly is, and also really quite childish. But if a person really is unwilling to wear anything appropriate for an occasion, it's better to send their apologies than rock up looking totally inappropriate and disrespectful and then try to put everyone else in the wrong.

Also, refusing to attend funerals on an anti capitalist principle is a new one on me, but again, if someone's going to make out that I'm doing something morally wrong by holding a funeral, I'd rather they fucked off too.

Well, unless there are circumstances around this that you haven't disclosed, I think that's plain selfish.

“I don't dress like a slob for any important occasion but I also don't attend funerals at all because I think they're an outdated money-making scheme that cause unnecessary distress.”

Says it all really 😂
Another one who doesn’t attend funerals commenting on a thread about people who do attend them.

Because they're an outdated money-making exercise that is completely unnecessary and cause unnecessary distress.

Okay lol

I don't dress like a slob for any important occasion but I also don't attend funerals at all because I think they're an outdated money-making scheme that cause unnecessary distress. So if you think it's a societal expectation that I do go, that's further evidence for you that people either don't know or don't agree with you.

Times change. Being in your 40s as I am and you are and getting het up as you are about people doing things differently to you is just a recipe for causing you stress unecessarily.

Completely agree. If in doubt there is such a thing as google too… which people didn’t have generations ago and STILL knew what to wear. I’m not buying this shit that people just don’t know 😂

It's only in the last two or three years since I started on MN that I heard about the white at weddings thing, and no, I haven't been living under a rock!

No, I've said up thread I'm not going to any more funerals.

how are other people informed of this do you think? Is there a rule book? No.

Well actually there is, but to be fair most people don't check it regularly. However, you really do have to live under a rock not to have any idea how to dress for a funeral (and don't ask me how anyone missed the "don't wear white at a wedding" rule, I truly don't know, and I've been accused of personally making it up because I want to ruin weddings for people, which gives you some idea of how resistant people are to finding out they've been doing something wrong).

But let's say you truly didn't know and you honestly thought it was totally done to wear ripped denim, dirty joggers and flip flops to see someone put in the ground or oven. You didn't, obviously, but let's pretend you did. Ok, now you know. So now you know better, and you can see there are a lot of people who'd be very upset to see you rock up to their loved one's interment like it was a beach party... why wouldn't you just dress differently from now on? What purpose could you possibly have in arguing and complaining about it instead?

Yes quite… and I did say this in my post “I’m not saying this is what you did during Covid but a lot of people during Covid settled into a routine of wearing t shits/ jeans/ joggers”

”I have no intention of turning up at any events where I'm expected to wear formal clothing.”

So why comment on a thread then by saying you have nothing suitable to wear for a funeral?

I've just said up thread I have no intention of going to any more funerals so I don't need to buy a 'funeral outfit' thanks.
I haven't worn a dress for 40 years or a skirt for 30.

Why don't you go to funerals?

I retired before COVID and it wasn't until 2022 when I retired from my voluntary work, where wore more formal clothing, that my wardrobe diminished. I have no intention of turning up at any events where I'm expected to wear formal clothing.

“How are you expecting people to know?”

Alright so seeing as the worst offenders I have come across who dress like a bag of shit to special events seem to be people who are around my age (mid 40s) and born in this country, ones who used to be able to dress appropriately for funerals but for some reason decided they can’t be arsed anymore, I would say they KNOW perfectly well!

Im absolutely sick and tired of people coming on here to defend such people and making excuses for them! I can only imagine those who do defend them also dress like slobs at important occasions.

@grumpygrape

so… you would have to buy a suitable outfit for a funeral then, rather than turn up in a fleece

How are you expecting people to know?

Genuinely.

Alright, someone told you that you should dress a certain way but how are other people informed of this do you think? Is there a rule book? No.

MN every day has threads about these kind of issues with people saying they weren't aware e.g of not wearing white to a wedding or not dressing casually to a funeral or to court. Or giving a gift with monetary value at a wedding to cover the cost of your meal.

Lots of people saying everyone knows and lots of people saying they didn't know.

People aren't brought up automatically knowing, they're either told and agree or disagree and ignore. Or they're not told so they don't know and then they post on MN and have a lot of people saying 'everyone knows that expectation' when others say it's the first time they've heard it.

I would also respectfully suggest that you start thinking about buying a funeral outfit then. It is a fact of life that as one gets older attending funerals becomes more frequent and last minute panic buying isn’t the way to go. I have a high neck knee length black dress with sheer long sleeves that can be worn all year round which sadly gets worn a few times a year.

I am of an ‘age’ where I go to a lot of funerals and you are not alone. I think people no longer have a sense of decorum or standards of dress for occasions. I have seen athleisure in lots of formal events and it saddens me. I think social media has made it acceptable or people have not been educated in social etiquette. I was brought up in a working class home where my father had to pawn his shoes each week because we were poor. He would borrow money from my granddad to go to the pawn shop each week and get his formal shoes back to so that he could go and get his wages from the foreman and to go to church on Sunday in a suit with nice shoes. Then my mother would take them back to the pawn shop on Monday as we needed the cash to tide us over.

I saw a funeral in Lanzarote recently (I was not involved) and in the heat, everyone was formally dressed to the church.

“I would struggle to find a 'suitable' outfit for a funeral nowadays because I'm retired and mostly only have jeans, t-shirts, fleeces. A lot of men have never owned a suit.”

And this is the point I have been making throughout this thread. I’m not saying this is what you did during Covid but a lot of people during Covid settled into a routine of wearing t shits/ jeans/ joggers/ trainers and lounging about, it’s a routine that they now can’t seem to get out of and just either do not have any suitable attire in their wardrobe for special events anymore or simply do not know what to wear anymore. That’s not really an excuse to turn up at such events looking like you haven’t made an effort. Other people manage it.

I think societal expectations must change even if only gradually.
Women wearing trousers to work (unless they were working on the land), 'lady' Magistrates wearing hats, etc. All expectations that have gone.
I would struggle to find a 'suitable' outfit for a funeral nowadays because I'm retired and mostly only have jeans, t-shirts, fleeces. A lot of men have never owned a suit.