To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

I’m with you, OP, I’d have been absolutely appalled. I’m quite relaxed about my own funeral (because I think it should be mainly up to my kids) but I do want to specify black!

@godmum - yes, the OP has said she meant a fascinator.

I agree.

I think you’re being unreasonable and focusing on the wrong thing. People actually turned to which is what really matters. Who cares what they wear.

When I’ve gone to the funeral of a close loved one I can barely remember who else attended, never mind what they wore!

You are being very unreasonable, surely the fact they attend should mean much more to you than what they’re wearing? Judgey or what?!
You probably would have complained if they hadn’t turned up. Can’t win either way.
Ridiculous.

OP, I think a lot of makeup and any jewellery is disrespectful. Everyone is different. I think what matters is that people showed up. I have been to funerals where people have worn all sorts of things and it just doesn’t matter. The older you get, the more it becomes a celebration of life and not about loss.

I find this a bit puzzling. Did those people know him and were they specifically told about the funeral or do you live somewhere where its in the paper and on the grapevine and everybody and the neighbour's cat turns up? And what is this thing about hairpieces? I mean do you actually mean fake hair or is it like a fascinator?

Yanbu, it does sound disrespectful not to even giving a nod to funeral attire. I wouldn't expect full make-up, jewellery and heels though (I never do any of these), just a bit formal with black or dark colours.

This is a lovely post. Try not to dwell on what people wore and reflect on the love there was in the room for your dad xxx

There's been so much talk about the need for our lifestyles and norms to change due to climate change. I never thought of this in terms of funerals until this thread, but thinking about it, it's really obvious we don't have a cultural model for how you're meant to dress for a funeral when it's 30 odd degrees out.

Which is pretty important when you think about it. More so than something like a wedding, because we have more choice in when we hold those. Countries where it's normally boiling out all day in summer have norms of holding events in the morning or late evening. We don't have that yet.

I'd be upset by that but given yesterday was hot its understandable people turned up in casual clothing. One way to look at it is that they turned up.

No, only if the family bill it as such, and often that is a separate event.. A funeral is a time to grieve loss, to lament, as this poster said quite rightly.

Unless told otherwise, I would always wear something smart and black. My husband would wear a suit and dark tie. My children would wear something dark and smart.

Unless told otherwise. At a friend's celebration of life we were told to wear bright colours so we did because that's what she wanted. At a teen's funeral the other teens were asked to wear the sports tops of the teams they'd played together in because that was important to his parents and really showed visually the sense of belonging and togetherness in those teams.

At a friend's relative's funeral I was told that no one was wearing black so I wore a patterned silk dress (below the knee, with sleeves) in gold and green that I knew the person had loved. I turned up and everyone else was in navy blue! I kept my coat on.

I went to a funeral last week when it was absolutely bloody boiling. Working class, elderly relative, wake in a pub with sausage rolls, pints and cups of tea. Women wore black (some navy or dark grey) summer dresses and sandals or heels. Men wore shirts and black ties. The hot weather was not an excuse to wear flip flops.

Even in the very hot weather and even when the deceased person was a funny lively person who lived a full and lovely life with a wicked sese of humour, it was still respectful of the occasion to dress more formally.

I know people who struggle financially who would still wear a smart dress from a charity shop to a funeral or will borrow a tie.

Jogging bottoms takes the absolute piss.

Where did your dad know these people from?

The irony of writing "your wrong"...

Not everyone will view a funeral in that way. The circumstances in which the deceased died can vary hugely.

Not in dirty joggers and a strappy top I wouldn't!

I'm sorry you're upset about this, but I think you should focus on the fact that people made the effort to come and be there for your dad and your family. They have shown through being there that they cared. I don't think the norms on dressing for funerals are at all clear these days, so without a clear steer it is quite easy to get it wrong. I wouldn't dress as casually as you describe, but probably more casually than it seems you would expect. Many of these people would probably be mortified if they thought they had hurt your feelings by the way they dressed. I'm sure they wouldn't have wanted to do that.

I think it depends, @Secretseverywhere - some funerals are very sombre, and others are more a celebration of life - I try to be guided by the family (some families will specify a dress code, as we did for my MIL’s funeral - I wouldn't bother the family with questions about a dress code if they didn’t mention one), and if I’m not sure what they would prefer, I will wear black.

Do you think some of the attendees may have taken a couple of hours off work or come before or after? In that case they would be in work clothes with no opportunity to change. Not everyone can take a day off work in these hard times.

I attended two family funerals on the mourning of a working day and went straight on shift at a public facing service. In those days people did mostly wear black or dark colours for funerals so I did feel a bit conspicuous. One service user did remark on my wearing an all black outfit in the height of a heatwave. I told her "I buried my grandmother this morning." She didn't know where to look for shame.

Sorry for your loss OP.

The heat makes all this a lot more difficult. A lot of us would, if we were going to be in a presumably not air conditioned venue or I expect you'd have mentioned it, wouldn't have much choice other than to dress in the way most likely to keep cool when it's 31 degrees out. I do have a black and a dark navy maxi dress though, so there's that. My mum's friend had to bury her dad during the 2022 heatwave and she put a message on social media telling everyone to wear what was coolest because the last thing she wanted was to have to deal with anyone keeling over in the heat.

I think if you were expecting anything like pashminas and headpieces that was very unlikely even in cold weather, and make up is probably going to be sweated off. I do see why stained stuff might feel insulting.

She’s talking about dirty joggers, flip flops and messy hair.. not that people didn’t show up in black suits. Can’t you see there is an in between?

The person who showed the most emotion at my husbands funeral was dressed in joggers. The clothes don’t matter, his face I will never forget.

Funerals come in an array of different forms now. Some people do want colours or happy to be more casual etc. Some prefer to see as 'celebration of life' instead of a solemn event to grieve.
But that's not the point. Whatever your feeling, it needs to be respectful both to the grieving and to the deceased.
Casual is one thing. Jogging bottoms are another.
Unless there are extremely extenuating and rare circumstances, it's simply disrespectful to come in grubby or stained clothes.
Maybe people don't have as much formal wear these days but I find it difficult to believe that many people would struggle with 'smart casual'.
Funerals are a bit like job interviews. If there's no set dress code indicated, you err on the side of smartly dressed.

My husbands family are all practicing Catholics and I’ve been to a fair few Catholic funerals with a full Mass, and not even my MIL who goes to church most days wore a veil or hairpiece. However, I do agree that some people’s choice of attire is questionable. At my FILs funeral which was a full mass in Church a few people turned up with bare shoulders in dresses more suitable for clubbing and a couple of blokes turned up in joggers and crocs. My MIL found this very disrespectful. Anyone reading this do not go in bright colours or club wear to a Catholic funeral unless the notice tells you it is ok.

The deceased do not, but funerals are for the living, for the grieving family. Turning up
in jogging bottoms and flip flops is beyond inappropriate, unless you’ve apologised beforehand and explained that you have no money at all.

Very disrespectful. My dad died last year and everyone came to the funeral dressed as you would expect. I’ve never seen anyone dressed inappropriately at a funeral. Sounds horrible for you and your family.