To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

I never called anyone a bad word.

Sorry, I just don’t agree. I mean, flip-flops??!

Not the same scenario but if you’re interviewing someone for a job and one rolls up in a creased t-shirt,
unkempt hair, and a pair of flip flops, and the other candidate bothered to actually groom themselves, who would you pick?

Under 25 lol.

But anyway, as I said, so what if it isn't easy? do it anyway.

I get it but I dont think it means they don't care. Its the heat and modern society. Plus us brits are rubbish at dresding well.

I’m mid 40s and can do it!

For someone under 25, maybe.

They show it by being there. There are easier ways to get food. Maybe they came from work and that's how they dress for their jobs. Maybe they have young children and are lucky to be able to even take a shower. Maybe they learned of the funeral at the last minute. They were under no obligation to pay their respects and come at all. They were there (however they were dressed) to honor your father, not to satisfy your aesthetics. I think your grief has caused you to overreact. It happens. You'd have shown up to a funeral differently. Fine. But they've done nothing wrong.

Does it? When they can't be bothered to make even the tiniest effort?
Maybe they're just there for a free buffet 🤷‍♀️
How are you supposed to know if they don't bother to show it?

I've responded to a similar statement up thread. I will not be attending any more funerals.

Be glad they showed up at all. It means they care. That’s not always the case. Focus on their hearts, not their clothes.

Well if you are retired ( like me) then you are probably going to going to a few funerals in the next few years.

I wonder what normal social conventions, that are usually accepted by society, people will start saying they had no awareness of next?

Oh, I didn't know you're supposed to queue to get into a building so I just went straight to the front. Don't blame me. I'm not just an impatient asshole. I didn't know.

I didn't know you're supposed to let people off a train before you get on, not my fault, I'm not rude, I'm just totally ignorant and have never been outside before.

I didn't know you're supposed to cover your mouth when you cough. I didn't know you're supposed to chew with your mouth closed. I've never even heard the words please and thank you. It's not my fault and anyway you're all upright and expecting too much.

Society is going down the drain.

So if you meet a man and you say “no” when he asks for sex, but he has sex anyway, because “no” actually means “yes”, then you can hardly complain!

As for a house party, it’s generally “from” not “at” a time, so it’s rather different.

If I wrote on invitations no presents please and someone decided "oh she doesn’t mean that, everyone knows you never turn up empty-handed" and ignored my request then they absolutely would be in the wrong.

If nothing is said then sure, follow the usual practice of bringing a present but in this example no presents was specifically requested.

Sigh, I have no relatives or friends whose 'loved ones' will need my support at a funeral.

I do not own joggers, I don't know why you made that up.

This is a difficult issue in 2026. A lot of things have changed - clothing post covid has changed, people are financially struggling and we live in uncertain times. My mum died recently and I organised her funeral. Someone called me the night before saying they had nothing appropriate to wear. I said not to worry what you wear, just come. I think having to buy yet more stuff to go to a funeral is kind of sad. Clothing has changed, people lose and gain weight, and lots of us no longer own what in the past might have been considered basic items.

I wore trainers to my mum’s funeral. They were totally black and really comfortable. I had enough to deal with that day without worrying about a pair of shoes hurting me or feeling bad due to a lot of standing up. I think it was probably noticeable if someone inspected everyone’s footwear, but wouldn’t have otherwise stood out. I wore a black fleece to my stepfather’s funeral. Again, I’d organised it, the fleece was comfortable and it had pockets. He wouldn’t have minded at all. I do not own any suits, I do not own a black dress.

I think in your father’s case, perhaps people had black dresses that were meant for going out but has nothing else black. I would try not to get caught up with what people wore. Perhaps they had previously attended funerals where it wasn’t black clothing / no dress code. I don’t think it’s disrespectful - I think in the past it would have been disrespectful, but times have really changed.

@AutumnHazel

it IS a faux pas. It’s like turning up on time for a house party. Just one of those things that you know NOT TO DO.

Indeed, it’s not a faux pas to understand someone’s instructions on an invitation as they are written, rather than second guess, whether no actually means yes and vice versa.

Anyone who castigates someone for NOT ignoring invitation instructions is the one with the social problem and committing a serious faux pas… in fact it’s more than an faux pas, it’s just shitty.

I agree OP.
When i left work I cleared out most of my formal wardrobe (who has the space for unworn clothes anymore!) But I kept one below the knee length black skirt and a pair of smart black leather pumps, specifically for funerals.

I am 30s, but I was always taught how you should present yourself neatly as a form of respect at funerals. The situation as you describe would have upset me.

Of course, if someone puts on their notice that X loved her garden, so wear something floral or green, then I'd go with their wishes. But the norm is subdued colours, knees and shoulders covered (or at least not a strappy top, a dark linen shift dress in the heat would be fine).

Just because the trend is to do something different, doesn't mean we should be expected to not get upset when a basic level of respect (which is our cultural norm) isn't followed.

And as for PP telling you what your dad would have wanted.... well. It is incredibly insensitive.

I am sorry for your loss.

@grumpygrape

relatives? Friends? Will you just not go cos you’ll have to be parted from your fleece and joggers?!

What is office smart? And if you don’t work in an office, especially if you are relatively young (ie still changing shape and size) and not at all well off, why should you buy a new outfit for a rare event?

At one of this summer’s funerals, a family member was wearing clothing that some would perceive to be ‘not smart’. Certainly not office wear, and not pristine clean.

However, if you knew them and their circumstances, you would understand the love and respect implied by how much smarter and cleaner their clothes were than their daily norm - in fact, they were putting far, far more effort in than those who had easily pulled on their regular office wear or even their Sunday suit. Similarly, the elderly members of the congregation who had painfully eased themselves to the church on walkers, in the soft shoes that fit and what had been a good cardigan some time ago. So much more effort than the ‘smart workwear’ of others.

I think it’s disrespectful not to be ‘office smart’. Even if you haven’t got black, then navy, grey or sombre colours would be appropriate (unless otherwise stated).

Considering you know bugger all about me and my circumstances, trying to guilt trip me by talking about ‘duty’ is beyond the pale. ‘I don't feel like putting a pair of black trousers on’ is putting lies you have made up in my mouth.

I don’t know anyone whose death would require me to support another person at a funeral. I am perfectly able to support the family and friends outwith a funeral.

I went to a graduation yesterday and I was surprised at how casual some people dressed. Clothing beyond being clean and tidy doesn’t interest a lot of people it seems.

Whose funerals will they be. Do tell me ?