To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

When I burried my mum I couldn't tell you what anyone wore. I was just pleased that they took the time to come and say goodbye to mum.

OP YANBU

I can't believe the excuses on here or the banging on about the hairpiece/fascinator.

I have not heard one valid reason for turning up to a funeral looking like a slob. So you were at work? It's a funeral. Get changed.
You don't have any formal clothes? Clean and iron the best ones you have
And as for saying some people go to a funeral every week - bollocks and if they did, it would have been worth investing in one decent outfit.

OP I am so sorry you lost your dad. You are not wrong to be disappointed that people didn't dress respectfully, but try to focus now on starting to grieve and remembering all the people, friends, family who did love and care for your dad and the wonderful impact he had on others.

The funeral was a moment in time - be annoyed for a moment then move past it.

I'm genuinely confused that you'd think everyone has cotton shirts and formal trousers, thin enough for hot temperatures. Surely you can't presume that's the case across the board?

My Dad died relatively recently. A lot of people came to his funeral because he was locally quite well known. Many of these people were dressed casually. I couldn't have cared less. I wanted to hear their stories about Dad and their memories of him. Such a joy to talk about him with people I'd never met before. It was a beautiful day, although intensely sad. I miss him so much

I went to my beloved husband's funeral yesterday. I said no dress code as it was too hot. I wore blue linen trousers and a pale pink polo shirt. Most people were in summery rig but not scruffy. It's about respect in the end.

Funerals are a thing people sometimes can't get to unless they take time in their working day, so that's spectacularly debatable. You are free not to want anyone at a funeral of your loved one unless they've 'made an effort' but you don't speak for everyone.

I’ve seen one once, when an elderly woman wore a black mantilla to her sister’s funeral. This was in Ireland, about thirty years ago.

When I was confirmed, more than 40 years ago now, we all had to wear white mantillas.

I haven’t seen one in use for a long time now.

I agree with you that people should dress respectfully and appropriately for a funeral, OP, and I am very sorry for your loss.

YANBU, we had exactly the same when my FIL died. His immediate family were dressed appropriately, black suits or dresses, smart attire. He had a partner who he’d been with several years after he left DH’s mum and her side of the family were in jeans, joggers, leggings, flip flops. I was clearly brought up with very different standards as I was horrified. So disrespectful.

I’m genuinely confused by the people who think the hot weather excuses this stuff.

Jogging bottoms are no cooler than a pair of trousers.

A cotton shirt is as cool as a t-shirt.

A lot of people seem to think they’ll spontaneously
combust if they wear black on a hot day.

I agree OP it seems everything is dumbed down now, I went to a wedding recently and it said on the invites formal/smart attire and yet some people turned up looking they were just nipping to the shops,

Op it says everything about the drop in standards in society and is not a reflection of your father or the love others felt for him.

I have for some time been explicit about expected attire. Jackets, ties etc for gentlemen, and covered shoulders. Black only and no sports wear. Spell it out next time. You shouldn’t need to, but we are where we are.

I am Irish and have been to many many funerals. I do notice that funeral clothing is becoming less and less formal even among the family of the deceased. I tend to wear muted colours and semi formal ( think office smart). However I also notice with Irish Removals and Funerals that a lot of people just pop in and offer their sympathies to the family and then leave before the mass. They tend to be more casually dressed as normally they have popped out of work for a few minutes. Admittedly in Ireland the funeral is normally two days later.

In all the funerals I have been to it was only in the UK that I saw a person wear a hat to a funeral and that person was elderly.

I can understand why you would feel like this.
I would always dress modestly at a funeral, even if it was a very hot day, there are plenty of chiffon tops that cover keeping you cool.
I hope you’re doing okay. It’s a very difficult time, your mind runs riot on you.

There's nothing more MORBID than a death FFS. Weddings, funerals and christenings you should always make the effort or not bother going.

And I'm sure that if the bereaved said 'Please only attend X's funeral if you are formally dressed in black', most people would have respected that. There may have been fewer people present, and some of those present wondering if they're quite formal and dark-clad enough, but that's clearly of less significance.

Sorry for your loss.
I wonder if some of this is just down to more people wanting others to dress comfortably or in bright colours rather than traditional black and whether that now needs to be stated.

I can only assume that those with dirty clothes had to come on a work break/leave immediately with no time to change and would rather attend and show their respect through being present rather than not being there.

I'm with you OP, I always try and look my best for a funeral, with black dress, makeup, jewellery etc. To me it's a mark of respect. (And I am in my 30s too!), But I also think it's best to give the benefit of the doubt... Perhaps they were just raised differently.

Another PP said this:
I think perhaps the heat had affected people as many only have black funeral clothes in heavy, colder weather materials.

and I really think that is a very real possibility, at least for some of the people.

I think people should make an effort to dress respectfully and smartly and that generally means dark clothing, unless specifically requested otherwise. But I think makeup, jewellery, high heels and a “hairpiece” are unnecessary and perhaps even too flamboyant, especially the last two. I also disagree with the person who said a funeral is a celebration of life. It’s not. It’s traditionally a mournful and serious occasion, not a celebration.

The point of the funeral is people for whom the dead person was important gathering to pay tribute to him or her collectively, and/or to support the bereaved.

If the dead person felt that his friends/family's presence to remember and celebrate his life was less important than what those people happened to be wearing when they did so, I'd suggest they had an odd set of relative priorities in death as well as in life.

No I haven't seen anyone wear anything like that at a funeral.
The last funeral I went to was for my youngest brother who I loved very much. It was actually a joyous occasion where we were giving thanks for his life and where we remembered who he was. There were tears but it wasn't sombre.
I came away from the service knowing that he had been loved and remembered by a lot of people. I honestly can't remember what anyone was wearing.

Op I'm so sorry for your loss and that the funeral didn't provide the comfort it should have💐

I do suspect standards have dropped. I'm a Christian and between church and the volunteering work I do with pensioners I end up going to lots of funerals. Posters are correct that many funerals are treated as a celebration of life. Which is fine if that's what the grieving family want. But the wishes of the grieving family should always be foremost in attendees minds. Not that it especially matters but I'm typing this in a black linen dress - there are funeral appropriate clothes in every season.

With regards to people attending and not acknowledging you. I'm sorry that happened. People rarely know what to say and most decide to avoid difficult situations altogether.

I think the family of the deceased can set the tone for what is expected in terms of dress if it matters to them.
For my Fil’s funeral close family were all dressed in black. V formal funeral. For my Mil’s funeral we asked people to dress in colours to reflect her life. And it was a joyful array of colours.
Last week I attended, in blistering heat, a requiem mass and all close family were dressed in black or dark colours. Other attendees were less formally dressed but they had all made an effort to look clean and smart.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I agree its not appropriate clothing at all. Unless its stated on the invite (we attended a child's funeral and they asked for colourful clothing) I would wear black, formal wear. I too would view it as disrespectful not to.

It’s disrespectful to show up looking sloppy. In fact it’s disrespectful to show up looking anything other than appropriately sombre unless the family have requested bright clothing or whatever.

I know a teenager who insisted on wearing a bright yellow mini dress to a family funeral despite her mum arguing against it. Luckily the mother had the sense to throw a dark coloured dress in the car boot, as said teenager soon realised how wrong she was when she saw all the other mourners in dark colours - quick change in the village pub toilets!

Worth pointing out that the standards set by previous generations came about in an era where funerals well in 30 odd degree heat were not something people in the UK ever had to worry about. We don't know what they'd have worn in those circumstances because they never faced them.