To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

I have never, ever seen a farmer attend a funeral in slovenly clothes. They might not be suited and booted but they have a ‘funeral outfit’. Where I live the farming community is more traditional and judgemental than the city folk.

it would be them who would be horrified by jeans and flip flops!

“So why are jogger wearers sheep but the more traditional, dark formal clothes wearers not?”. Because they all started wearing the same attire as each other during Covid, have got stuck in a time warp and wear the same bloody outfits they have been wearing for the last 6 years. Formal wear is not every day. Like I said, doesn’t have to be formal, just look like you’ve made an effort and not rocked up to an occasion in the same outfits you’ve been wearing day in day out for 6 years.

”So you're talking about people potentially having to buy something specific, which obviously is going to be inaccessible to some, and at quite short notice because you don't know the temperature til a few days in advance.”

How do you think people attended funerals before Covid if they didn’t have the attire? Buy something special maybe? Borrow something? Or put together whatever outfit you had in the wardrobe that was suitable for such an occasion. You’re talking as if people didn’t used to make the effort before Covid.

I’m sorry about your Dad.
I can understand why you don’t like the fact that people came to the funeral wearing casual or scruffy clothes. The most important thing is that they came though.
I wouldn’t think I’d need to wear black to a funeral but I would dress more smartly and would choose darker clothes.
I think when someone dies the most important thing is for everyone to be a kind and understanding towards everyone else as possible. Everyone has such different ways of dealing with it.

If anyone had worn a hat or fascinator to my husband's funeral I would have been amazed! They are surely for weddings?

I turned up to a relatives funeral on my motorbike, I hope the family were more appreciative of me being there rather than how I was dressed personally. Can't say I gave a shit about what people wore to own my mothers funeral.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and YANBU. It sounds so disrespectful. My mum died last month and the funeral was.last week. We had a church service, then a short service in the crematorium and then the wake. The church was absolutely full and, even though it was an extremely hot day everyone was dressed well. Men in dark suits and ties and ladies in smart, black outfits. I was so pleaaed that everyone had made such an effort (my mum.was very traditional), so I completely understand how you feel and why you were upset. I think those who made little effort were highly disrespectful. Maybe it was simply a lack of thought and ignorance, but it's still very poor. Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are not unreasonable at all OP. How hard is it to put on something half decent that’s clean, and ideally black? Don’t we all have a certain amount of funerals to go to in our lives, so you could easily have something hanging in your cupboard already? My cousin’s wife showed up in a bright yellow sun dress at my father’s funeral. I found it distracting! Yes, it’s great that she came (and that all those people came to your father’s funeral), I was grateful for it, I really was. But the way so many people rocked up at your dad’s funeral … I don’t understand it at all. You’re not unreasonable and you’re not emotional. You simply have standards - just like your dad had.

Do you not understand that a cardigan or shawl is too hot in high temperatures, regardless of how “classy” or not the rest of the outfit is?

Im not defending joggers or jeans at a funeral but saying they should have worn a cardigan is unreasonable in this weather.

I don’t think that “new thing” is quite universal. When in doubt I would wear sombre clothing.

I doubt they were in jogging bottoms
and t-shirts.

You're not being unreasonable for the way you feel, because it's how you feel, and it's a difficult time for you.

But honestly, it doesn't matter. It's the fact they're there that's important, not what they wear.

With so many people working from home these days, fewer and fewer people actually have smart clothes that are "suitable" for a funeral.

Honestly, they were there to pay their respects. Their clothes DON'T matter.

That’s you. Not everyone is the same! I’d hope on my funeral people don’t turn up like a looking like a scruff that couldn’t be arsed to make an effort and have been wearing the same clothes every day since Covid 🤣

So why are jogger wearers sheep but the more traditional, dark formal clothes wearers not? I'm not interested in what gets you more judged, just this question specifically.

The reason why people might own joggers but not more formal, heatwave friendly clothing is because actually, the latter is still quite an uncommon thing to need to dress for in our society. I happen to have a couple of dark, plain maxis myself, but that wasn't anything to do with planning for funeral attendance. This is why saying they've always got jeans and joggers but not clothes for quite a specific niche isn't a very salient point.

So you're talking about people potentially having to buy something specific, which obviously is going to be inaccessible to some, and at quite short notice because you don't know the temperature til a few days in advance. This is, like it or not, an explanation as to why heat is a reason why people might not have anything they deem suitable. If this sort of weather starts happening every summer, more and more people will have formal, funeral suitable heatwave wear.

Black is a respectful colour to wear to a funeral - funerals are by their nature morbid, they aren’t entertainment and it isn’t a trip to the supermarket. You should only wear bright colours of the immediate family request it - I have been to children’s funerals where this was reqested.

OP I am so sorry for your loss and agree it is disrespectful to turn up in very casual clothes to a funeral. I have seen standards slip at funeral over the last five years in particular - men in trainers and jeans, people in hoodies.

Even in warm weather it is possible to wear a simple dark t-shirt and dark trousers. People have less and less respect for others and themselves. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised - people wear their pajamas to school pick up and the supermarket

At my husband's funeral I simply didn't care what anyone wore. Family/friends wore bright clothes as requested. What other people wore just wasn't important, the fact they came was.

I am sorry for you loss

One issues is that a lot of people cannot get a full or half day off of work for a funeral these days so may only get an hour away to attend the service. if coming/going back to work then there is no time or place to change.
In my view attendance is preferred over being in proper attire.

Yet there’s people on here defending the fact that jeans and joggers aren’t too hot but a nice put together outfit suitable for the summer that’s classy, not too short, not too hot to wear… is somehow too hot for the very same people who wear jeans and joggers in hot weather 🤣

I’d hope on the day of my funeral people will be thinking of me and my life, not judging the clothes of the people who attend. And if there is another world, then know that it’s the judgers, I’ll be judging!🙄

We had some turn up to my great aunt’s funeral a couple of years ago who were completely inappropriate. 5 ‘carers’ turned up from the company she paid to look after her - 3 had never met her and 1 had been banned from dealing with her due to theft, the other 1 turned up dressed as if she was going to the palace garden party and in a huge expensive new car which she used to intercept the funeral cars on the way to the crematorium from the church so she could be first there 🫣. Turns out she was the carer who was charging £30 a time to walk to the corner shop a few metres away and had siphoned thousands out of my relative with lies about cancer etc (police had no interest in that or the thefts).

Most were dressed like they were off to Aldi and they heckled the vicar during the ceremony! They made snide comments about my great aunt and laughed loudly and made loud and rude comments about her during the ceremony. It was awful.

They were only interested in the wake (ie free food) and were very annoyed they’d made the effort to turn up for nothing when we told them there wasn’t one. My mum finally got them to leave by asking them if they wanted to make a charity donation. They suddenly had somewhere to be 😄

I just don’t understand some people. I can’t understand the lack of effort for what I see as a formal occasion and I certainly can’t understand the complete lack of respect.

Anyone who can’t be arsed to dress appropriately for a funeral and thinks it’s ok to rock up in joggers and a grubby t-shirt is a dirty disrespectful scumbag in my book.

No one suggested jeans or joggers should be worn? If they were worn then those particular people obviously felt comfortable in the temperature (mainly the torso/arms that needs cooler clothing rather than the legs anyway.)

She’s saying people should have worn a cardigan or shawl. It’s a ridiculous thing to suggest when the temperature is 30+.

No reason for shame. There isn't a dresscode. Affection for the deceased, or a desire to support the bereaved is all that is required.

Absolutely. Just like the dozens of elderly farmers who arranged for someone else to handle the milking, climbed into their cars and rove 40 miles to attend my uncle's funeral because they'd grown up alongside him, even though he'd lived in the city for decades. '"I don't give a fuck" scumbags', every one of them, as the queued up to shake my mum and my aunts' hands and condole and share their memories of sitting next to my uncle at school, because they were casually dressed. 🙄

I am sorry @Wheelchairbarbie I lost my mum very suddenly almost 6 years ago (she collapsed and died at home despite all the paramedics did). Something like this changes you.

This was during Covid and we were only allowed 15 people at her funeral, we had to wear masks and we were unable to hold a wake. How I wish it had been different, but this is just another part of my grief I have had to try and make peace with.

Your loss is raw and your grief in such early stages, but please know that nothing that happens will ever change the love between you and your dad.

If someone doesn’t have any clothes that are even passably smart, and have nothing to wear but a grubby t-shirt and some joggers, yet they have the money to get some time-permitting, they should be ashamed.